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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/3/14

I’m actually, genuinely sad that Slylock’s usual soulless ratiocination didn’t end up benefitting Slick Smitty this time around. “Sorry, everyone, you paid to see the singing clam, and it’s logically impossible to prove a negative, so we can’t rule out the possibility that you saw a singing clam while it happened to not be singing. Welp, off to solve more crimes!” How do you think Slylock “convinced” Slick Smitty refund all the money? Was it via biting? Was there biting involved?

Panel from Heathcliff, 8/3/14

Guys, I don’t think I really cover Heathcliff’s “Kitty Korner” often enough on this blog. There’s some real drama that goes down in these supposedly adorable cat anecdotes. Real drama. Girl, your boyfriend is no good and your cat knows it, is what I’m trying to say.

Panel from Dennis the Menace, 8/3/14

HAHA THE LADIES THEY KEEP SCREWING UP THE JOB THEIR GENDER ASSIGNED TO THEM AMIRGHT FELLAS BUT WHAT’RE YA GONNA DO IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO COOK OR ANYTHING

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/20/14

Long ago, I worked with a photographer who was also a passionate VW enthusiast, and for whom every new “upgrade” to his beloved brand was a kick in the solar plexus: One-piece rear window, UNGH! Big tail lights, UNGH! Convertible top, UNGH! When they introduced a semiautomatic transmission he uttered a fearsome oath, bought a Porsche, and never looked back. Good thing, too, or he would’ve seen the abomination Niki’s driving.

The same dark forces that turned the bug by degrees into the Super Beetle turned Original Niki and Kelly into these two. We first met Niki snatching June’s purse to buy artisanal salami for his methskank Mom, then doing some impressive ethical acrobatics to talk himself into a big payday “reward” after an extended tutorial from Rex. Kelly started out a stereotypical Bad Girl running off to drug parties in the woods and having a Brush with Death before Seeing the Error of Her Ways. Now they’re all cleaned up, and droning out text like “Sarah’s a great kid and I like her very much” about hideous paint-spattered brat-monsters. Kids, don’t let the Morgans get anywhere near you, is what I’m saying.

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/20/14

Slylock’s totalitarian society descends into outright racism: “First they came for the skunks and I did not speak out, because I was not stinky.”

Lockhorns (panel), 7/20/14

Loretta, lack of wind is not the problem.

Also: Alfas haven’t had those bumpers since 1982. Has Leroy been bald 32 years?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/20/14

Parson Tuttle’s own sins tend toward small-time grifting, so he’s plum tickled to get a lead on the more entertainin’ sinnin’ goin’ on in th’ Holler.

Piranha Club, 7/20/14

Now that right there is an authentic automobile. Own it, Ernie — own it as long as you possibly can. Doris will be happy to drive you to work.

— Uncle Lumpy

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The life of a second-string comics blogger isn’t all shootouts and fresh new characters. Most days it’s just slappin’ down the html and takin’ care of business:

Six Chix, 7/17/14

Like poking fun at an easy target:

Hey lady, “testing the limits of humor” usually means the upper limits.

Apartment 3-G, 7/17/14

Or two:

When Jack comes back on foot to lead the mare away, Tommie will regret having brought up the whole “glue” thing. Unless he takes Carol, too.

Gil Thorp, 7/17/14

Marking the return of cherished themes:

Hey, Kaz’s earring is back, and ready for its closeup! Hi, Mimi — how are the kids? Still enjoying 2005? Potatoes, again?

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/17/14

Reporting industry news:

Slylock Fox auteur Bob Weber Jr. has signed on with Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Enterprises LLC as a gag writer for Hägär the Horrible, and apparently has designs on drawing it, too.

Dick Tracy, 7/17/14

Keeping folks up to date on beloved comics:

“Daddy” Warbucks’ and Tracy’s crews look for Annie, last known to have been hostage to the Butcher of the Balkans, who The Great Am believes is now in touch with dangerous spy Axel. B.O. Plenty gets a letter with a vintage stamp and no ZIP Code, which gets passed to Dick, who recognizes the handwriting as Annie’s and the contents as the coded location of an abandoned island nuclear facility, to which he boats in the middle of the night.

Tracy wakes up in a hospital in Simmons Corners in June, 1944, recovering from shell-shock sustained at Anzio. Annie says they’ve known each other for years, and that he’s the main police presence in the town where she lives with Ma and Pa Silo.

Tracy seems to have disappeared from the present. An informant tells Warbucks his boss Axel had him collect the Butcher and Annie, but dies mysteriously before he can say where he took them.

Back in 1944, Tracy is discharged. Annie becomes alarmed when he says “there’s a war on”, thinking he believes what she apparently thinks is a charade. She visits Professor Kenyon, for whom she does chores, then gets a call at the Silos’ asking her to meet with the owner of the local newspaper — a Mr. Axel. Axel, a sinister sort, interrogates Annie about Professor Kenyon and his experiments, then sends her away to listen to the “Belinda” radio show, which seems to have a hypnotic effect on people.

Family Circus, 7/17/14

And, of course, slagging on little Jeffy Keane:

“Why no, Jeffy, I don’t know how he could say such a thing! You have totally achieved every bit of your full potential. There, there ….”

Update: Happy 40th birthday, Josh, and congratulations on completing The Enthusiast!

— Uncle Lumpy