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Family Circus, 8/25/11

Ha ha, the Keane Kids are aggressively illiterate philistines, what a surprise! I’m not sure which is sadder: that Jeffy and Billy are encouraging their mother to walk all over books, therefore showing their contempt for learning, or that they’ve managed to soak the entire living room rug, no doubt through some process too distasteful to contemplate.

Jumble, 8/25/11

Ha ha, Jumble Jeff sure likes sewing curtains! And drawing curtains! Wait, wait, that’s the solution to the puzzle, right? “Drawn shades” or something? I’ll just count the blanks in the answer and … God damn it, I hate how dumb the Jumble always makes me feel.

Ziggy, 8/25/11

I think a bird is drowning in the birdbath? Too bad Ziggy won’t be able to save it. He’s not CPR-qualified! He’s not good at anything!

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Jumble, 7/6/11

Wow, this is an unexpectedly grim scenario for the Jumble. What could possibly be the subject of this epic debate between man and cow? I’m guessing it’s “Resolved: It is morally acceptable for humans to eat cows,” which explains why both parties are so angry: this is no mere academic enterprise. Unfortunately, the cows had no chance of winning the debate because everything they said was a series of moos and lowing noises. “You’ll have to speak English if you expect us to respect what you have to say!” jeered the farmers. Then, having declared themselves the winners, they led the cows off to the slaughterhouse.

Wizard of Id, 7/6/11

Since (despite what you might guess) I don’t own an extensive collection of mouldering Wizard of Id paperbacks from the ’60s and ’70s, I have no idea whether the recent trend in the strip for the Wizard to be more cruel and diabolical is a return to the character’s origin or just a what-the-hell-why-not impulse from the creative team, but I can’t say I entirely disapprove of it. Today he lives out every science geek’s fantasy of making those who find his hobby boring into unwilling experimental subjects.

Ziggy, 7/6/11

At last, the truth comes out: Ziggy is a damn dirty communist. I don’t approve of Joseph McCarthy’s methods, but if we could maybe arrange a Congressional hearing at the climax of which Ziggy would be blacklisted, that’d be great.

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Mary Worth, 6/24/11

Mary Worth continues to prove that just because you have no understanding of the ways humans think and feel and act doesn’t mean that you can’t try to heal their emotional pain! Did you experience a moment of life-shattering public humiliation and emotional trauma? Eh, just try remembering it differently, maybe you’ll feel better. Have you become sexually obsessed with someone who doesn’t reciprocate? Probably it’s because you hate your job! Sure, that totally makes sense.

Jumble, 6/24/11

Kudos to Jumble Jeff for taking the time to meticulously depict both of these fictional bears in their native garments (though I’m assuming he also deserves blame for the unspeakable pun that is the puzzle’s answer). For many years I’ve found Smokey Bear’s habit of wearing jeans and a hat but no shirt deeply unsettling. I mean, if he weren’t wearing any clothes at all, that’d be one thing — he’s a bear, it’s natural enough — but wearing pants means that he casually performs his ranger duties topless, which is a little weird. Not until this moment, however, had I considered the full-on obscenity of Yogi Bear, who wears a hat and a collar and a tie and nothing else. Is he some kind of ursine Chippendale?

I’m also a little unsettled by this apparent superstar team-up between straight-arrow Smokey and known criminal Yogi. Do you think Smokey’s co-worker Ranger Smith feels hurt by this? I imagine that Smokey believes that he’ll teach Yogi about agriculture and that will stop the constant pic-a-nic basket theft. He’s going to be pretty disappointed.

Ziggy, 6/24/11

Ha ha, Ziggy doesn’t understand that in fancy finance talk “buying debt” just means “lending money.” Anyway, long story short, some mid-level member of the Chinese Communist Party is going to be the proud owner of Ziggy’s kidneys real soon now.

Pluggers, 6/24/11

Wait, can pluggers swear? I … I don’t think pluggers can swear. Pluggers complain about other people swearing. Young people. With the hip-hop music. And the baggy pants. And yet here’s a cuss, plain as day. I have to go lie down now.