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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/8/11

Rex Morgan plotlines are actually pretty varied, but in many of them there comes a point when the wacky ancillary characters get in over their head and the Morgans have to bail them out. Inevitably, Rex uses this occasion to act like a put-upon dick. Panel three today, with Rex’s best “oh Lord, the humans and their problems, why can’t I just be left alone to read my newspaper in absolute silence” expression yet, should as far as I’m concerned be hanging up in every art museum in the world.

Mary Worth, 4/8/11

“That little girl with bone cancer who needs her pain meds in Room 287? Fuck her! I’m living in the moment.”

Momma, 4/8/11

The title character in Momma is a cruel, passive-aggressive narcissist, whose parenting style is so monstrous that there’s absolutely no question as to why the her children are so dysfunctional. But the strip has one saving grace, which is that it’s always clear that she’s very, very depressed.

Jumble, 4/8/11

Silly math teacher! You have to go to work every day to try and fail to inspire a group of sullen, hateful teenagers with your love of the beauty and wonder of mathematics. No amount of coffee will make your soul whole!

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 4/8/11

“So if you’re drunk, I’m thinking we could have a pretty good time.”

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Jumble, 3/25/11

If there’s one thing I live for every day, it’s the thought that insane violence might break out in the Jumble, which is why today’s panel, with its false promise of insane violence, is even more disappointing than most. The two fellows here are clearly identified as “beer drinkers” in the caption, and in fact the mugs they’re brandishing as they antagonize one another are obviously full of some kind of brew, to the extent that it’s actually sloshing over the top. Would any “beer drinker” worth the name risk losing any of this precious nectar in the course of fisticuffs? The mere presence of the liquid precludes the use of the heavy glasses as weapons, or indeed any quick movements of any sort. The two ruffians will no doubt use the barkeep’s threat to call in John Law as an excuse to de-escalate their confrontation, and another Jumble ends without anyone being sent to the hospital.

Apartment 3-G, 3/25/11

“Hmm, this unkempt hobo is too gross even for my extremely undiscriminating tastes. Who do I know who’s extremely desperate? Oh, hey!”

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Judge Parker, 3/18/11

Now, I know you people, and a lot of you are going to read this and be all like “Ha, Sam and Angel are going to be go on a gay date, and ‘preferring jazz to musical theater’ is code for being on the down low, etc., etc., hardy har har.” Which just goes to show that you don’t know Sam Driver, at all. Sam doesn’t enjoy physical and emotional intimacy with other human beings, like normal people do; Sam only gets off on denying others his sexual favors. Bored with only spurning women, he’s taking the first tentative steps towards breaking male hearts as well.

Dick Tracy, 3/18/11

I am enjoying the work of the new Dick Tracy artists! The previous regime, of course, focused on a series of villains who were hideously deformed; the new guys are branching out to people who also emit some kind of horrible odor as well.

Apartment 3-G, 3/18/11

Nice try, buddy! Everyone knows that hobos and tramps are entirely different categories of itinerants (the classic dichotomy being that hobos work odd jobs when they can while tramps beg). So why don’t you stop playing coy and admit that you’re a Russian Grand Duke or something who doesn’t like to shave or buy new clothes, and skip ahead to the part where you whisk Iris away to your villa on the Côte d’Azur.

Jumble, 3/18/11

True story: Up until fairly recently, I thought that a “spin class” involved spinning around in circles, and couldn’t figure out why everyone seemed to think they were so difficult! Ha ha, isn’t that funny? Anyway, apparently they actually consist of working out really intensely on stationary bicycles, which explains why the nameless protagonist in this panel appears to be experiencing some sort of massive cardiac event.