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They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/23/07

See, here’s the thing about the classic “send in your ideas to get them turned into a comic” comics: you never really know what’s going to happen to them after you send them in. They might get through almost entirely unfiltered, except that you end up in a vest or with a bow in your hair or something; on the other hand, you things might get so twisted around that they become completely unrecognizable. For instance, I have a hard time imagining that a “number of wives all over the U.S.A.” wrote Al Scaduto to say, “Ha! It used to be that I would harass my husband all the time for working for a living while I sat around doing nothing … but now that he’s retired, the very sight of him disgusts me! Ha! I guess I’m just a fickle, controlling shrew!” On the bright side, it looks like we’re about to get some hi-larious wife-beating action.

Mark Trail, 3/23/07

Wow, I’ve never seen Mark so depressed, so downcast, so … upset and confused. All because of one little hook from the bottom of a boat. That hook made him feel worse than he did watching his old army buddy drown and die. Maybe it’s his Rosebud, his madeleine, bringing his mind back to a past that’s now lost, a better time, when he didn’t have to live with a dumb girl and her creepy old dad and a moronic adopted son, when it was just him and his vast collection of hooks and screws, and he was happy.

Ziggy, 3/23/07

AUUUUGGGHHH ZIGGY OWNS SAILOR MOON UNDERWEAR MUST NOT VISUALIZE NOOOOOOOO

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Family Circus, 3/8/07

Man, does the total and constant humiliation of Jeffy ever get old? I’m going to go ahead and say “no.” In a normal human family, Grandma would have probably sent clothes a few sizes too big in the expectation that her grandson would soon grow into them; however, since Jeffy’s been the same height for decades and shows no sign of getting any taller, we have to assume that her aim was to drive him ever deeper into self-loathing.

The Phantom, 3/8/07

So the Phantom is in the midst of an incredibly dull storyline involving the kidnapping of Old Man Mozz and some bank robbers who want the seer to [Note: Rest of recap cut because of extreme dullness. –Eds.] Anyway, I’d just like to point out that Kono slipping and falling on the steps of the bank he’s attempting to rob, followed by him cracking his dreadlocked skull open as his eyes roll back in his head, is a pretty gruesome image for the funny pages.

And where is our purple-clad, stripy-butt hero in all of this? Last we saw him, he was lounging in a jungle clearing while his cone-headed midget sidekick was napping on top of an elephant. No, really.

Pluggers, 3/8/07

You heard it here first, people: The only choice available for the radio-listening plugger is “AM” or “FM.” What, you also want to be able to change channels within each band? What are you, some kind of chardonnay-swilling East Coast liberal elitist? In this sense, plugger radios are like the one available in Nazi Germany, which were also pre-set to a single station. Although my guess is that pluggers listen to a lot fewer hateful rants about how the Jews are undermining the purity of the master race and a lot more hateful rants about how the Cowboys really need to get more free agent help for their offensive line.

I also note that today’s featured plugger has been banished out of the house entirely, presumably so that his radio listening doesn’t distract his she-plugger mate from her “stories.” Either that, or all his furniture has been repossessed and a tree stump is a “plugger easy chair.”

They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/8/07

The looks of pure joy on the faces of Loopina’s parents in the first panel at the prospect of a Loopina-free evening are only matched by the wave of obscenity-tinged bile we get in the second. It seems that her parents don’t really like her very much, though that should have been obvious from the mere fact that they named her “Loopina.”

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Pluggers, 3/6/07

So I’ve been staring at this Pluggers for a while, trying to figure out how this little bathroom still life, in keeping with the mission statement for this feature, “celebrates” the plugger lifestyle. Here are the possibilities I’ve come up with:

• Pluggers
  • won’t put their toilet paper rolls on the little tube thingy because
    • they’re lazy.
    • simple gadgets like this are the devil’s work.
  • can’t put their toilet paper rolls on the little tube thingy because
    • it’s broken, but they’re too thrifty to spend money frivolously and buy a new one.
    • they’re ignorant and can’t figure it how to do it.
    • they’re freakish, unnatural human-animal hybrids, and their thick, nondextrous fingers prevent them from doing so.
• Pluggers may defecate in enormous quantity without warning at any given moment, and thus multiple rolls of toilet paper must be kept constantly at the ready.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 3/6/07

You know, if my surgeon were named “Dr. Allthumbs,” I might appreciate it if he brought in some specialists to assist.

I’m kind of weirded out by the layout of this hospital room; it looks like the fellow on the right, recovering from brain surgery, has turned his bed 90 degrees so as to improve his view of the flop-sweating. He needs the entertainment, as it seems his only reading material as an airline safety information card.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/07

NO, DAMMIT! IN ORDER TO CONVINCE US THAT A JOKE IS CUTE, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY MAKE A CUTE JOKE! YOU CAN’T JUST HAVE THE CHARACTER THAT DIDN’T DELIVER THE JOKE SAY “CUTE”!

DAMMIT!