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Mark Trail, 8/3/07

OH YEAH, MARK TRAIL BEATING THE CRAP OUTTA SOME GUY! That’s the best way to start your weekend right there. I love the way Buzzard is toppling over in panel one, less like an actual human being who just got socked in the jaw and more like the huge statue of a jowly, overalled dictator being pulled down in the wake of some kind of anti-hillbilly revolution.

Since he has no facial hair to punch off, we have to settle for the image of Buzzard’s hat flying off in the opposite direction of his head as he reels from Mark’s punishing blow. Some of you seem to believe that Mark’s punched Buzzard’s overalls off as well, but in panel two they seem to still be securely fastened. No, I think what’s happening in panel three, as Buzzard tries to distract us with his legal jibber-jabber, is that the portly rustic is actually taking off his clothes in preparation for the next phase of the battle. Tomorrow’s going to be awesome.

Apartment 3-G, 8/3/07

I surprised even myself yesterday by glossing over Margo’s blatant come-on, but today’s sordid aftermath is in the final analysis really more my style. Eric and Margo, ever the romantics, apparently did it fully clothed out on the balcony, and Eric, ever the gentleman, passed out almost immediately afterwards. If Margo were capable of feeling, she might be upset, but as it is the situation offers a perfect opportunity to root through Eric’s stuff. These two crazy kids are made for each other!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/3/07

I have to disagree with those commentors who are saying that Lisa is calling Darrin a mistake to his face. She’s saying that, if you don’t want to have a baby, it’s a mistake to have sex without using birth control — which is true, damn it. And Jessica’s comeback implies that the current generation of young Winkerbeaners were smart enough to know that. So, yay for the promotion of safe sex, even if only obliquely hinted at! I give you kudos on this point, Funky Winkerbean.

Darrin and Jessica will still die of cancer before they’re 30, of course.

Gil Thorp, 8/3/07

Gil Thorp continues to be the gift that keeps on giving, as Coach Kaz, P.I., works his way through the has-beens and burnouts that make up Gail Martin’s touring band. You can tell that Kaz has the great people sense that all good detectives need, as he openly condescends to one of the guys he’s going to be on tour with, though Cliff “Second Summer In A Row That Gil Thorp Has Featured A Benjamin Franklin Lookalike” Wrobek is probably too high to notice. I almost hope that Gail cancels her concert tour out of fear, because the image of a dazed and confused Cliff trying to sell insurance while waving his drumsticks around is just too delicious.

Wizard of Id, 8/3/07

After the United States adopted a single-payer health care system, most historians believed that the turning point in the debate came when the Wizard of Id joined the movement.

Ziggy, 8/3/07

Ha ha! Ziggy mouthed off and got punched in the face! Little dude just can’t win! Look at the bruising! Ha!

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That promised weekend wrap-up metapost will be coming soon, but I thought you might enjoy, you know, some comics commentary or something. I had originally planned to skip over the comics from the days I was away, but of course I had to read them to catch up, and some of them just called to me, so here are the highlights of all the stuff I missed. (Sorry in advance if I step on anyone’s snark, I haven’t had time to go over the weekend’s 1000+ comments in depth…)

They’ll Do It Every Time, 6/22/07

Yeah, I know, this one’s from Friday, but faithful reader anne failed to tell me in advance that “Anne D.” was her! So, enjoy another moment in Curmudgeonly TDIET domination.

Archie, 6/23/07

You know, I don’t think we give the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 enough credit. If you gave a mere human the task of of creating a comic strip in which a teenage boy sprays a sexy teenage girl with a hose but which is nevertheless entirely homoerotic in subtext, he or she would invariably stalk off, proclaiming loudly that such a thing is impossible. The AJGLU 3000 merely churns through data and chugs forward implacably to its programmed destination.

Crankshaft, 6/24/07

“Yeah, see, we call them that because sooner or later one of them is going to have a massive myocardial infarction right there in the booth. Ha ha! Hopefully I won’t be on duty when that happens, ’cause they’d probably make me help move the corpse.”

Mary Worth, 6/24/07

This may be the most frankly sexual Mary Worth (and is there a more disturbing four-word sequence in the English language?) in the strip’s long history. Dr. Jeff’s attempts offer up his son has a substitute object of Mary’s affections are quickly quashed. Mary then goes on at great length about her plans to pimp the junior Dr. Corey out to every woman at the party; she’s so excited at the prospect that her ascot has been knocked askew. Dr. Jeff, while obviously proud of his son’s virility and sexual fitness, expresses his concern over the young fellow’s man-whoring. To cap things off, we get the image of a bee pollinating a flower, soon to fly off to another, illustrating Drew’s “love ’em and leave ’em” policy in one of the most discomfort-inducing metaphorical fashions possible (presumably instead of spreading pollen from blossom to blossom, he brings chlamydia instead). Will Vera’s womanly parts be the hive that will trap this bee with its sweet, sweet honey? Stay tuned!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/24/07

The most awesome thing about this Rex Morgan is that every single thing that Hugh is saying is in fact 100 percent demonstrably true, and yet he’s being drawn like a paranoid lunatic drama queen. Panel four, in which he waves his highly trained pointing figure around while he stares goggle-eyed and shouts accusations at nobody in particular, with June rolling her eyes in contempt, is particularly choice. Heather can only defuse the situation by again busting out the “Boo hoo my poor rich husband is dead or possibly floating in the icy North Atlantic” waterworks, which strategy will presumably have diminishing returns.

Gil Thorp, 6/25/07

OH MY GOD CLAMBAKE IS A FRAUD! I’m more than a little embarrassed to admit that I didn’t see this coming at all. I’m looking forward to the shocking revelation that not only was he never in the Negro Leagues, but he’s really just a Greek guy with a good tan!

Sally Forth, 6/25/07

I swear to God, the first time I looked at this, I though Sally’s thought balloon read “I wonder how high I could get before losing my job.”

Ralph, meanwhile, is fooling nobody by poking at a keyboard that isn’t attached to anything. “Easy Ralph … easy … she’ll forget you’re here in a minute … then uncross her ankles … that’s right … any minute now…”

Wizard of Id, 6/25/07

Ha ha! Id is an absolute monarchy and the king’s power isn’t checked by any other institution or law, so he can order the gruesome torture of any of his subjects for the slightest of insults! Ha! The press secretary’s arms have probably both popped out of their sockets, and he’ll die in agony over a series of days! Ah, whimsy.

Gasoline Alley, 6/26/07

Gasoline Alley has been so breathtakingly dull lately, what with plots about sleep apnea and tinnitus by turns, that I haven’t felt the urge to note its continued existence for the last seven months. Today looks promising, however, as it seems to herald the beginning of a new story about how awful it is when black people move into the neighborhood.

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For Better Or For Worse, 3/30/07

I’m not entirely sure what I would considered to be the best possible way for this storyline to play out; it probably would have involved April an’ Gerald having a frank discussion about their respective thoughts about sex and feelings for each other, informed by knowledge about contraception that they learned in school and from their parents. But you know what? This scenario — where they almost let their fifteen-year-old hormones get the better of them but then don’t get the chance, and almost got caught but don’t, with Elly and John none the wiser — works for me. Hopefully in the longer term it’s just another awkward adolescent moment that will be looked back on years later with fond amusement, and not not chapter one of April’s Descent Into Whoredom. Because if she wants to wear something trampy at Liz and Anthony’s wedding (and you know she will), it’d be harder with a bun in the oven.

Mark Trail, 3/30/07

How not to solve a mystery: Like all too many human beings, Mark has seen a little evidence, used that evidence to jump to a conclusion, and now goes into the world not in the spirit of genuine inquiry, but only looking for something that confirms what he already believes. I’d love to see him shown up. “Come on, Andy, let’s look over here in that nearest cove! Hmm, what have we here … some logs … some debris … Dan’s bloated, rotting corpse … dammit, where are the things that will confirm what I believe?”

Sally Forth, 3/30/07

Oh, come on now, we all know — whether we want to or not — that the Forths screw like minks, constantly. I mean, look at this. Or this. Or this. They probably really go nuts when Sally’s totally blotto, which is pretty much all the time. “Been a while” probably means “since lunch, when Ted drove over and we did it in the car out in the parking lot.”

The Wizard of Id, 3/30/07

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second:

1. The Wizard of Id is written by Johnny Hart.
2. Johnny Hart is a strict creationist, as indicated by his constant ridicule of Darwin in B.C.
3. The Wiz here implies that the King is descended from monkeys.
4. [HEAD EXPLODES]