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Dick Tracy, 12/7/17

Oh, hey, so it turns out that the smoking alien from a few months back was the Moon Governor, returning to Earth to find his daughter, who is actually this flower-themed gangster’s daughter who’s been surgically and mentally altered and I was going to find the links for these plot points but it all just makes me tired, you guys. Anyway, like all terrifying emissaries of extraplanetary governments, the Moon Governor has chosen to take a meeting in a coffee shop. The best, most hilarious part is that this mostly humanoid alien appears to have put on a hat to disguise himself but then had to cut holes in the hat for the antennae that are the one visible feature that distinguishes him from Earthlings.

Beetle Bailey, 12/7/17

Ha ha, can you imagine if you sliced Sarge open and discovered that he was just an outer layer of Sarge-meat wrapped around a human child, and then you sliced that child open to discover that it was just a flesh-shell with an awful demon from the depths of hell at its core? It’s definitely going to be fun thinking about this nightmare turducken of humanity and supernatural evil for the rest of the day!

Blondie, 12/7/17

You definitely have to admire the sheer force of Mr. Dithers’ personality. Even in mug form, it’s so overwhelming that it’s forced the entire Bumstead family to retreat to the other side of the room.

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Crankshaft, 12/6/17

Every year Crankshaft takes a job as a mall Santa, and every year he’s a sullen dick about it, like he always is about everything. This year the mall closed down, though, and Crankshaft felt bad about that, presumably because he missed being cruel to children. Now it appears Lillian has hired him to play Santa in the unlicensed book store she runs over her garage, which as far as I know has never had a customer, so I guess she just wants him to sit there scowling in the suit all day while she putters around, which I dearly hope is not a sex thing.

Mary Worth, 12/6/17

“I just made a very expensive purchase and our entertainment budget is a bit crimped at the moment. On a completely unrelated note, what would you say the resale value of, just to pick something at random, all of our kitchen appliances would be?”

Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/17

I bet when you give this tour in Memphis, when you get to this part you have old white people loudly finishing your sentences for you and trying to change the subject a lot.

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Mark Trail, 12/5/17

I for one am extremely excited for Mark Trail to finally become the full-on avant garde art project we’ve always imagined it to be. When the one-eyed man and his companion, a gentleman with a blue suit and pocket square who’s cosplaying a mid-level Ancient Egyptian official from the 19th Dynasty from the neck up, encounter a wizened old clown who just screams and screams, American newspaper readers will experience the mingled terror, confusion, alienation, and catharsis formerly available only to highbrow types seeing radical theater produced in big cities.

Family Circus, 12/5/17

I have to admit that I genuinely laughed out loud at Jeffy’s smug facial expression here. “Eh?” he’s saying. “Breakdown of traditional gender roles? Eh? Eh?”