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Happy Friday everyone! It’s the second Friday of the month, and that means … the Internet Read Aloud, my live comedy show, is BACK and better than ever in Los Angeles! It’s free, so please come (at 8:30 pm, I forgot to put that on the poster, whoopsie). Here’s the FB event!

And here’s your long-awaited (is seven days long?) COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“The refrigerator and dishwasher that Blonde was clearly loading are now replaced by Dagwood in a frilly apron scrubbing dishes by hand. It’s obvious that this is some sort of cuck cosplay they’re livestreaming from their garage. Sadly, it’s a much more realistic scenario than Dagwood being employable as an office manager, particularly when his Eisenhower era brain thinks that ‘Looking good, gorgeous!’ can also get him out of a due diligence presentation.” –Quiggle

And here are your very funny runners up!

“I’m doing my part, unlike every other person in this town. You lazy-ass slackers make me sick.” –Merry Mirth

“His license plate says DOGNAP. The police never made the connection because they’ve been pronouncing it like it was a French word.” –Tom T.

“They’re all pictures of the outline of your skull and nothing else, but, sure, OK.” –taig

“Good thing we sprung for that eggproof glass barrier, it’s holding up pretty well! If I win this again next year, though, we’ll probably have to switch to bulletproof.” –jroggs

“Ha, ha, what fraction of the daily calls to the Santa Royale police department do you think Mary makes? A third? Half? Ninety percent?” –Thelonious_Nick

“A matter I’m not delusional about is that people do not stop having sex just because they get old. Old people may slow down a bit but many of them absolutely still fuck on a regular basis and enjoy sexual activities. And I’m a very sex positive person who enjoys openly horny works. What I am building to hear, is that I’m not inherently objecting to a strip in the newspaper trying to provide some fanservice for its target audience of out-of-touch old folks. I absolutely DO object to using Rufus from Gasoline Alley for that purpose, which I believe constitutes a war crime.” –ectojazzmage

“Loving the expression, love the posture. Yup, just a walrus sitting in a knarr doing walrus things, with my valuable blubber and my valuable ivory and my valuable fur and my valuable … uh, why are you all looking at me like that?” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Gil is going to start to believe only by winning Coach of the Year can he bring his family back together, even if it means putting more hours in the office and seeing them less.” –Philip

“Run, little girl, run like the wind! They’re trying to make you take part in a Judge Parker plot!” –Peanut Gallery

“I like how the sheriff’s ‘again’ implies that this has already happened to him today, maybe multiple times? It’s a shame that we don’t get to see him also chased by a puma, a wolf, maybe a sasquatch? This could have been a whole Sunday strip!” –pugfuggly

“‘Like Dante before me, I use my art to roast those I don’t like. Behold!’ ‘Um…’ ‘It’s … he’s right there! It’s my brother, Jim! He’s always wasting money in Vegas!’ ‘That doesn’t look like your brother … it looks like … something … I guess.’ ‘What? It couldn’t be more clear! That’s Jim!’ ‘Maybe if I kind of … squint?’ ‘That’s it! You’re in the next Hell comic!’ ‘It’s a good thing … uh … no one will be able to recognize me.’ ‘Shut up!’” –Old Man Shadow

“The cops shake their heads. ‘Not one dead dog … and this guy calls himself a dogfighter. Tsk, tsk.’” –Hibbleton

“Where do I get those Rex Morgan, M.D., Squarebutt Trousers ?™??” –Babe Vigoda

“I am so sorry to posit that, judging from the expression of the troll on the left, there is a third option that involves neither murder nor the consumption of Hagar for food. The troll on the right? He’s fine, he’s having a ‘Look at meeee, I’m Haaaagar’ kind of time, but the one on the left is down for some kinky shit. And Hagar, well, he’s not not into the idea, his club might get a workout / Eddie’s ball isn’t the only thing that’s gonna be wet / etc.” –els

“Rex is about to become the star of their next viral video, ‘UNBELIEVABLE! Killjoy Neighbor RUINS Party!!’” –TheDiva

Remember: If you want an ad-free version of this site sent to you every day via email, for $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon newsletter subscriber! And if you never want to see banner ads on this site, and want to get cool comment-editing features to boot, for the same low price you can become a Comics Curmudgeon website subscriber! And if you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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Hagar the Horrible, 7/14/23

Wait, did we know that Hagar was bald under his omnipresent trademark horny hat? I did some deep research (went to my advanced archives search page, looked up “bald” for Hagar the Horrible strips, didn’t find any mention of it, looked up “hat” and “head” but there were too many hits and I didn’t feel like going through them all) and have come to the conclusion that I at least did not. Someone is probably going to drop a triumphant link to me talking about it in 2013 or so in the comments, so it’ll be interesting to see if Past Me agrees with Present Me, because Present Me kinda hates it. At least we won’t have to look at bald Hagar very much in the future, because those trolls are very much going to kill him, right? And eat him? Maybe not in that order?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/14/23

Say what you will about Rex Morgan, M.D., but it does a pretty good job with facial expressions, in my opinion! Like, take Rex in panel two — I feel like this is nicely capturing the two contradictory impulses rising within him: “Ha, do these rubes think I would ever attend a social event at their home, they’re even dumber than they look” and “If next week they’re having yet another drunken rager and they haven’t invited me, I am 100% calling the cops.”

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Mary Worth, 7/13/23

Do you think this warehouse is the same one where the famed Operation H-Town shootout went down way back in ought-nine? You know, the one where Scott, the heroic cop who was in love with Dr. Jeff’s sad sack daughter Adrian, got shot and ended up in a coma, which finally inspired her to accept his marriage proposal, but then he regained consciousness so she had to go through with it and eventually they sort of vanished from the strip? Anyway, my point is that there can’t be that many crime warehouses in a small community like Santa Royale, so it’s probably the same one or pretty close to it, and you can understand why these police officers, remembering the tragic night when they almost lost one of their own, are surprised to find a bunch of non-dead dogs in there. I guess this town really is gentrifying nicely!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/13/23

“Say, you know, one way to deal with that problem would be if your kid suffered some kind of physical trauma that resulted in amnesia, just a whole chunk of your child’s mind and experience wiped conveniently away. Probably the sort of thing that should be done under the supervision of a medical professional, if you want to go that route. My fees are not very reasonable, but you’ve already said that you’re rich, so I assume that’s fine.”

Blondie, 7/13/23

Does it work in those Hallmark movies? Hallmark movies, a genre that stereotypically panders to the fantasies of its female audience? And in those movies, men get out of chores by complimenting their wives’ physical appearances? And that works, you say? Hmm. Hmm.

Zits, 7/13/23

“He’s been a teenager since this comic debuted 26 years ago! Why would he start aging now? It doesn’t add up!”