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Marvin, 1/25/17

This comic about how Mavin’s dad Jeff is getting lavishly praised for using his well-outfitted kitchen to create palatable food is a little undermined by the fact that the food depicted is one of the most disgusting entrees I’ve ever seen in the comics, and I read Mary Worth daily. “I can’t believe you made this!” exclaims Jeff’s mother-in-law, and it’s true, it’s hard to believe that anyone would present a writhing mass of sheet-white tentacles topped with a viscous blob of ink-black goo to his family and expect them to eat it. “And you didn’t even burn anything!” his father-in-law adds, perhaps unaware that this awful feast absorbs all heat energy without getting any warmer, because it was forged in the infinitely hot bowels of hell.

Anyway, the “punchline” here is that Jeff, a man, has managed to produce an unburnt meal, in contrast with the typical efforts of his wife, Jenny, a woman. As a result, Jeff will take on family cooking duties from now on, since he’s clearly better suited for them will hold this over Jenny in their long-running marital oneupmanship, forever.

Gil Thorp, 1/25/17

Oops, it only took a day to solve the mystery: Aaron Aargard is terribly inconsistent because his mother (?) won’t come see him play, because she has the vapors or something. It’s enough to drive anyone into the welcoming arms of electronic dance music, and maybe drugs!

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Gil Thorp, 1/24/17

Oh dear! So the only “molly” Aaron Aargard is addicted to is his girlfriend Molly O’Herlihy, and we mean “addicted to” here to mean “in an emotionally healthy relationship with, which includes shared interests like electronic dance music.” So you’d think this would wrap up this idiotic plot, but nope, we’re not even done with January so we can’t start playing baseball yet. That means that Brown & Granger: The Overhearers have a mystery on their hands! A mystery they’re going to solve whether Coach Thorp wants them to or not! I’m actually not sure where this is going to go, because both possible directions fit in with Gil Thorp’s storytelling aesthetics: there could be some dumb “secret” non-sports-related reason for Aaron’s inconsistency, because this strip loves big, implausible reveals, but they could also just end up diagnosing his problems entirely on the court, because the strip loves plots where non-Gil people engage in unpaid assistant coaching.

Six Chix, 1/24/17

“And now let’s run like hell. That thing is as big as we are! Jesus Christ, the birds are out for revenge!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/17

Oh yeah, right, the artist of those smutty comic books Rex found under his floorboards, for whom Buck is serving as an agent, is real real old! I certainly hope Buck is running a Weekend At Bernie’s-style scam for this book tour, and that whopper of a check he just handed Rex was a bribe to make sure that the good doctor certifies Hank Sr. as “just resting his eyelids.”

Mary Worth, 1/23/17

Wouldn’t it be great if this conversation just kept going on with misunderstandings that make Zak feel like Iris condescending to him as a young person?

“Heh heh … no, Zak, I was just quoting Bogie!”

“Bogie? Isn’t that a golf term? You’re making fun of me because I don’t play golf, like some guy your age would?”

“No, he’s a film actor…”

“Oh, you like films, huh? I suppose I can’t appreciate that because I’m too young to remember a day before movies were shot digitally, and also I can’t sit still in a theater for two hours without looking at my phone?”

“No, Zak, the movie’s called Casablanca…”

“In Morocco? You know I haven’t travelled to Africa! I’m not worldly the way … the way Wilbur is!” [sobs]

Dennis the Menace, 1/23/17

Dennis plans to opt out of the entire economic structure of our society. Menace level: very high.