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Judge Parker, 11/28/16

The characters in Judge Parker, who have spent the last few decades as the unquestioned lords and masters of all they survey, with people just handing them money and power for no good reason, have now been abruptly brought low by a series of tragic events. Frankly, we’ve all been so focused on Neddy’s factory disaster and Sophie’s kidnapping that we’ve neglected another damsel in distress: April, Judge Parker Junior’s CIA assassin wife, who actually vanished before the change of writers, after being sent to do One Last Job in Belgrade.

Anyway, Randy’s been pretty broken up about it, obviously, and today’s strip reminds us of a reality of the newly grim Parkerburg: our heroes are so emotionally bereft as to be incapacitated, but they’re still in charge, which means that vital decisions are going unmade. Look at that huge stack of paperwork! Randy hasn’t heard a case in weeks, which means probably there are some people in jail who have no idea if they’ll ever get to trial, or maybe some businesses in limbo because lawsuits they’re involved in can’t move forward. Is Randy a criminal or civil judge? Who even knows? The point is, he’s sad about his wife, and the rest of you people will have to wait.

Curtis, 11/28/16

Curtis’s dad is giving his son a crash course on what life is like in this fallen world, where a constant stream of resources are needed to extend the lives of anything, from an advertising agency to an apartment building to a human body. Of course, all this effort still won’t stave off your inevitable death, but that’s a story for another day!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/28/16

“Shhh, June, no. I know what you’re thinking, but it isn’t true. Sarah isn’t the way she is because you worked when she was a baby. She’s that way because we summoned her into existence via unholy, forbidden science! I swear to you we have the procedure refined now!”

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Dennis the Menace, 11/27/16

OK, yes, fine, we all know that the real menace here is comparing your restricted grown-up life to your carefree youth and blaming your partner rather than the realities and responsibilities of adulthood. But mostly I enjoy the depiction of Teen Henry Mitchell in panel three. He looks exactly like Adult Henry Mitchell, only wearing a hat.

Mary Worth, 11/27/16

OH MY GOD

THIS MARY WORTH STORYLINE IS REALLY GOING FOR IT

YOU KNOW, SEXUALLY

“IF YOU DON’T FLIRT, YOU’RE PROBABLY DEAD INSIDE” SAYS EPIGRAPH TO BORING OLD SOAP OPERA STRIP

“ABSOLUTELY CAST A WIDE NET AND EAGERLY SEEK OUT NEW SEXUAL PARTNERS” URGES MARY WORTH

THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING

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Hi and Lois, 11/26/16

I just spent a lot more time and effort than I’m comfortable admitting trying and failing to remember what the name of Chip’s garage band used to be; all I could come up with is that the first word was “NOYZ” (was it “Noyz II Men”? Dare we dream we live in such a perfect world?). Anyway, I think we can all agree that whatever it was, it was a better name than “Big Bad Wolf,” which maybe is just the name they use when they get paying gigs where they have to play classic rock for Boomers, to subsidize their more cutting-edge punk stuff.

Dick Tracy, 11/26/16

Vic was so obnoxiously holier-than-thou in his first appearance in this plot that I’ve really been enjoying the fact that ever since he’s demonstrated one ethical foible after another, from easy bribeability to compulsive gambling to today’s cartoonish on-the-job drunkenness. It’s sad that supposed hood Selfy is the only one around here still sticking to the sacred Zookeeper’s Code, which states in no uncertain terms that when the guys down at the big cat exhibit call for help, you get over there as soon as possible. Anyway, Selfy’s going to get eaten by a tiger, probably!