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Crankshaft, 5/22/16

The Funkyverse seems to have taken my proclamed indifference to its chrono-narrative shenanigans as some sort of challenge. “Oh, Mr. Fancy Comics Blogger Man, it doesn’t bother you that Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft take place ten years apart, and yet both also take place in an eternal Comic Book Time present, which right now in both cases is a recognizable 2016? Well, what if we do a fractured-time narrative around Rose’s death in Crankshaft, and we keep prefacing every strip with narration boxes like ‘One week ago…’ and ‘Three weeks ago…’, but we do it over the course of nearly a month, so it becomes increasingly muddled what the chronological reference point is? How about that, huh?” Well, OK, fine. That would bother me. That would bother me quite a bit, actually!

Funky Winkerbean, 5/22/16

Funky Winkerbean, meanwhile, presents me with a simple pleasure: knowing that, while Les thinks he can glimpse daylight at the end of the decade-long hell-tunnel that is his chosen profession, he’ll actually be stuck in place spinning his wheels endlessly until this strip hits its next time-jump, which will no doubt catapult him past his brief joy upon retirement and straight into whatever his next depressing life stage is (old age and death, I would hope).

Mary Worth, 5/22/16

Oh, look, it’s Mary Worth’s first appearance under the new Sunday strip artistic regime! I give her two thumbs up; the cowl-neck sweater is a particularly appropriate choice. Less appropriate is Dawn’s assertion that obviously she’s not in love with Harlan, but if she were, would that really be so bad? After all, Cher once fell in love with a bitter, sullen Nicolas Cage in a movie, and that worked out fine!

Judge Parker, 5/22/16

Since Neddy abandoned her old person sweatshop idea, the world has clamored to know: how will the Spencer-Drivers get rich now, at taxpayer expense? Well, it looks like this is how!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/22/16

Congratulations to the animals, for finally figuring out how to drive the Morgans out of the countryside!

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/21/16

When I was in DC for my book tour last month, at one point I found myself downtown-ish with time to kill, so I looked up the nearest Starbucks with the intention of parking myself there and soaking up the free wi-fi. It quickly became clear that I had in fact selected the Starbucks closest to the White House, and had to walk right in front of the White House to get there! Anyway, here’s some news if, like me, you haven’t been in that part of town since the mid-’00s: they’ve totally rebuilt Pennsylvania Avenue in that section as a very pleasant pedestrian mall, and you can actually get quite close to the White House now, at least as close as you could get in the ’80s when I was a kid, if not closer. Far be it for me to imply that Funky Winkerbean didn’t do the research here, so I’m instead going to assume that Toque Boy is just being extremely sarcastic, and Les’s look of crushing self-loathing at having just been publicly owned by one of his students is the real punchline.

Gil Thorp, 5/21/16

Hey, so, it looks like the girls softball team has been forced to play their games wearing their basketball uniforms! Clearly better funding is in order, by which I mean both better funding for high school athletic departments so that athletes can wear sport-appropriate uniforms and also better funding for comics so artists don’t just say “Enh fuck it” and drop in some clip art from three months earlier into their strips.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/16

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Smiths are so poor that not having the kids at home means they won’t go hungry for once!

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A quick note on the fundraiser that just passed: yesterday I put all the tote bags in the mail, so you should be getting yours soon, if you asked for one! If you gave more than $25 but never got an email from me with the link to the page where you can tell me that you want a tote bag and where I should send said tote bag, let me know!

And now without any further ado, here is your comment of the week!

“In Dawn’s defense, I think Wilbur’s attempts to use a smartphone would be pretty hilarious. I would follow the hell out of his Instagram account, @sad-wiches.” –Dan

And here are your hilarious runners up!

“‘There are lots of new mirrors … everywhere.’ Neddy isn’t looking sadly uncomfortable because of the sexual implication, it’s because she only has one fucking mirror in her bedroom in which to admire her breathtaking visage, and it’s not fair.” –tb4000

“Another example of the Mammal Supremacy mindset. The pets for sale are all birds, reptiles, and fish. Come the revolution, that warm blood will flow in the streets!” –Ukulele Ike

“Of course, I’m biased… I love cows! Their big noses, their soft eyes, those funny swinging udders. Anyhow, you say that this cow is going to put your dad in jail?” –pugfuggly

“Ha-ha, isn’t their unhealthy, mutually destructive relationship crazy? Anyway, I got to go; text me if someone gives us money.” –TheDiva

“Rocky and Godiva’s argument is over as quickly as it started (argument began June 4th, 1998, and again on June 7th for Sunday only readers).” –Dragon of Life

“No, I will not trade husbands! The same rental agreement applies as always, $100 an hour and $150 if he wears the policeman’s uniform.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“This is one of those strips that could go on for a few more panels. ‘Yeah. Beeper. Good one. So, uh … who do think’s calling him? His wife … or widow now, I guess? I bet it’s his widow. Crock?'” –Joe Blevins

“What’s menacing is that Mister Wilson can’t recognize performance art when he sees it. Dennis has been spraying water in the air for an hour now while Joey sits there, hammer hovering but never hitting, frozen in indecision. It’s a stark and bleak statement on public education, but wasted on that philistine.” –Voshkod

“I don’t trust the curriculum standards in Hootin’ Holler, especially not for a history test. They’re probably just word scrambles of slurs that fell out of favor sometime around 1880.” –Irrischano

“A thoughtful Mary Worth reads her own comic strip.” –Pak-Man

“The debate may make the front page, but the real story is how the Santa Royale economy is booming, based on the lengthy help-wanted section and depiction of new four-story live-work condo developments. If Dawn decides to leave school because of her no-sex scandal, surely there’s a job waiting for her at a company that makes high-tech fitness trackers and appreciates an employee who has experience doing yoga and has heard of parkour.” –BigTed

“Neddy had the dressmaker’s dummies sculpted in her image by the finest craftsmen. (They of course were willing to do it gratis, the pleasure of copying her perfect bosom its own reward.)” –Lacey Wooton, on Facebook

“OK! Time to sit down and draw panel one. Let’s see, ok, we need a computer monitor … big rectangle … (Oh, but I also need to focus on Neddy’s sweet gams…) Ahem! Yes, computer monitor … uhh, another rectangle. (Mmmm those sweet, sweet gams…) Rectangle!!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Also, why does the Snuffy Smith family have a framed postcard reproduction of a Barnett Newman lithograph? Did Snuffy wander into MOMA, thinking the name stood for ‘Market O’ More Alcohol?’” –SamECircle

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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