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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/22/23

Well, well, well, it looks like what’s increasingly obviously Buzzy and Rene’s co-grift is coming along nicely, with Rene being sprung from jail by his fancy lawyer so he can do more crimes. Too bad the Harwoods couldn’t afford a lawyer who could keep this notorious criminal behind bars! Also, too bad Congress passed the I’ve Got Mine Act, under which all public criminal prosecution for offenses up to and including attempted murder were eliminated as “not cost effective” and now victims need to hire their own attorneys, as all disputes are hashed out in civil courts. (The I’ve Got Mine Act was passed after heavy lobbying from Rex Morgan, who has his and frankly thinks less of you if you don’t have yours.)

Dennis the Menace, 11/22/23

Man, I don’t know if you can ever be called a “menace” if you’re so dumb that someone has to point at a giant picture of a turkey and say “This is called Thanksgiving, Dennis. That’s a turkey. Turkey. No, that’s a picture you, can’t eat it.” Anyway, to answer your questions, Dennis, the turkey can’t stay awake because it’s dead. You have to kill it well before you put it in the oven.

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Gil Thorp, 11/21/23

Hey, remember earlier this year, when Gil Thorp did a ripped from the headlines story about about a player who got terribly hurt during a game, only unlike the headlines, where professional athletes refused to return to play, the high school students were forced to forced to finish the game while their friend might’ve been dying? Well, looks like it’s happening again, and this time the injured student is Coach Luke’s son, still playing for Valley Tech even after his dad had to take a job working for his hated rival Gil Thorp. Why do these gruesome injuries keep happening to Valley Conference players? Probably for the same reason that the games continue after the kids are medivac’d off the field: because none of the adults involved care whether the student-athletes live or die.

Mary Worth, 11/21/23

“Did you know that this huge, beefy hunk is also a man-whore, who has impregnated at least one woman, via sex? Do with that information what you will, though if what you’re going to do with it is masturbation or dissociative fantasies during your thrice annual marital encounter with Ian, please feel free not to tell me.”

Beetle Bailey, 11/21/23

I know Beetle is using “neat” in the first panel to mean “tidy” but it’s hard for me to not read it as just “good” in general. He likes beds! He spends a lot of time in them, and has come to appreciate the ones that are especially interesting or high-quality.

Hagar the Horrible, 11/21/23

Hagar and his warriors have all suffered battle wounds during their latest raid, and their loved ones are waiting for them as they return to Norway, doing their best to nurse them back to health. That’s not a joke or anything, just a thing that’s happening in this comic strip!

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Mary Worth, 11/20/23

I regret to inform you that Keith and Kitty’s date redo went really well, and now she’s accepted Keith’s invite to help him sensually relive his days as a Horse Cop and hers as a Horse Girl. Our last hope is that the Santa Royale Stables remain just as romantically cursed as they were back in 2007 when Jeff’s son Dr. Drew was on the receiving end of an epic love triangle slapdown from Dawn that echoed down through the ages and still haunts the place.

Six Chix, 11/20/23

Normally I’d interpret this as a human saying something rude about the cows in human language and a cow saying something similarly rude about the human in cow language, but the fact that the woman on the right turns her head to face the cows between panels seems to indicate to me that maybe the cows are speaking English aloud? I don’t think I’d react to talking cow with a sly little smile — more a series of unintelligible screams, to be honest — but I don’t know what other people do.

Dennis the Menace, 11/20/23

I like the way Henry seems to be holding Alice back a bit. “No, no, let’s see where he goes with this,” he’s saying. “I’ve honestly wondered this myself.”