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Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/15

As is the case in many societies, the economic and spiritual malaise that lies over Westview can be traced back to its education system. For instance, when a science teacher urges his students to “put on [their] thinking caps,” you’d think he was about to challenge them to use their knowledge of the scientific method to solve some problem or test a hypothesis. But at Westview High, this is just a prelude to a rambling punny joke-style utterance that might, if they’re lucky, teach them the Latin name of a constellation, a datum that at best you could call science-adjacent. The students look on in dumb incomprehension, which is a good preparation for their life in the Funkyverse, which will mostly consist of abuse structured as terrible unfunny wordplay.

Judge Parker, 12/6/15

You might be thinking, “The Spencer-Drivers are almost unimaginably rich. Isn’t it kind of unseemly for them to rush to cash this check, considering the solid possibility that Neddy is going to destroy the RV before delivering it to its purchaser?” Well, the joke’s on you and your bourgeois morality. How do you think the Spencer-Drivers got to be unimaginably rich? It certainly wasn’t by not cashing checks.

Marvin, 12/6/15

Kudos to Marvin for getting through a whole Sunday comic without a reference to urine or feces, I guess, but I have to say I find Jeff’s dead-eyed explanation of why dogs like nose-rubs pretty off-putting. It’s just because they have big noses, OK? There’s no pleasure to be had from rubbing the nose of your beloved pet. Any sense of bonding or connection you get from the process is false. It’s a simple physical reaction to an immutable physical fact. I kind of wish this strip was about Marvin shitting, honestly. At least Marvin enjoys shitting.

Spider-Man, 12/16/15

Backed into a corner and unsure how to respond, Peter Parker reacts like the hero he is: by slamming his head into JJJ’s computer until he can induce blessed unconsciousness.

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The Phantom, 12/5/15

Aw, a flashback to young Phantom romance! You know, I always thought for some reason that Diana was supposed to be American, but apparently she grew up in Bangalla? In some suburban colonial enclave? Where our hero, who we’ve seen in previous flashbacks as wearing the finest in junglewear loincloths, just sort of wanders around half-naked? “Good-bye little boy! I wonder where he came from, and why the guards didn’t keep him out?”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/5/15

Loweezy’s analysis of her predicament shows that she’s quite familiar with the germ theory of disease. Thus, I can only interpret her decision to shove her snot-ridden handkerchief directly under Elviney’s nose as one of pure spite. If she’s sick, then everyone’s going to be sick, by God.

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Hey guys! As you can see from the exciting email screenshot above, yesterday afternoon a large pile of actual physical copies of my novel shipped from the printer in sunny (?) Manitoba to the good people at TopatoCo, who will distribute it to Kickstarter backers and also set up a storefront; a much smaller pile is heading to Los Angeles for me to sell and sign at my book party on the 15th. I’m still not 100% sure on when they’ll ship out to backers and sales to everyone else will start, but it should be within the next couple of weeks, and so to celebrate I sent out surveys via the Kickstarter site to get the information we’ll need to send you your books and other rewards. You should’ve received one of these via email by now if you backed the project via Kickstarter. If you haven’t, please check your spam filter or log into your Kickstarter account!

But you won’t have to wait a couple of weeks for this week’s comment of the week:

“Apartment 3-G is leaving us with so many unanswered questions. Will Margo finally become God Empress of Dune? Will Lu Ann finally learn how to operate a toaster? Will, umm, the third one … there is a third one, right? Teri? Tammy? Anyway, I will personally miss Apartment 2-G.” –Master Mahan

And you should also enjoy this week’s hilarious runners up!

“Dagwood grabs the bouquet now, but for the low bride price of a good wedding meal he would sell Cookie off.” –Philip Moon, on Twitter

“Pomade is not for children, dearie.” –Emcee Fravel, on Facebook

“Well I am very sorry indeed to say goodbye to A3G. But whatever changes it’s gone through, it retained to the last its core principles of interchangeable males, relentlessly consistent home (?) furnishings, and arbitrary, inscrutable character motivations for all. You have to respect that kind of integrity.” –Violet

“Btw I never cared about A3G but your tireless efforts changed that. I lit a roughly drawn candle in a featureless setting that could have been inside or outside to mark the passing.” –Gregory Adams, on Facebook

“Olive’s eyes have become unfocused and turn in opposite directions. Her declaration ‘I want to see more!’ doesn’t actually refer to the museum but instead is a subtle cry for help. ‘I’m going blind and also possibly turning into Marty Feldman!’ Sadly she’s dealing with Mary Worth who is both the world’s most meddlesome person and the most oblivious.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I for one cannot wait until Mrs. Lopez wades into the ‘Jif vs. Gif’ debate. She’ll long for the days when the bloodiest combat she knew was in the aisles of Jo-Ann Fabrics.” –pastordan

“In the videogame of Heathcliff’s life you know the boss at the end of this particular line is Marvin.” –maltmash3r

“What kinda lameass skull throne has only two skulls on it? They’re supposed to be the main structural component, ya yutz.” –Funkula, on Twitter

“So, we’re talking when Phantom was less than 15 years old, and I assume he is in his late thirties now; so, maybe 20-25 years ago. 1990-1995? I picture young Kit looking more like a member of NSYNC.” –lumaca morente

“Today we see the world through the drug-addled eyes of June Morgan, as she lovingly runs a toilet brush through her hair and hallucinates that her daughter’s head is slowly inflating. Meanwhile, Rex holds a plaster baby Jesus he stole from the crèche in front of the hospital in an attempt to convince her that yes, June, you did have a baby, and you need more drugs.” –Voshkod

“Panel two is a keeper, as Sarah tries to use her tiny, ill-proportioned fingers to cover her peach-colored lips. Her look of concern seems genuine. ‘What’s a midwife? Hopefully, not someone who travels the countryside on horseback, killing freaks of nature with a crossbow. Because that is someone I would not want to meet.'” –Joe Blevins

“I personally applaud the strip’s mining of the rich thematic possibilities of scrapbooking. It’s a cultural reference that’s only a decade out of date, as opposed the strip’s usual 50-60 years out of date.” –The Might Untrained FOOZLE

“SCRAPBOOKING: THE FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST TECHNOLOGY!” –Mibbitmaker

“Of course in Hootin’ Holler, the ‘tooth fairy’ is very much a real person. Phineas J. Tooferry collects children’s teeth at night to make his own brand of hillbilly aphrodisiac that he sells at county fairs. A tough business, but he still makes a dime for every nickel he gives out.” –pugfuggly

“Thomas Jefferson kept scrapbooks of the events in his life! Then again, he lived an eventful life, so I’m not sure how this actually relates to you guys.” –Doctor Handsome

“So, the Lockhorns’ reunion is themed around Nirvana’s Nevermind album, because that was the soundtrack of their senior year, and now they’re forty-two and have entirely lost their youthful fire, and they wish they’d had the sense to end it all when they were young like Kurt Cobain did? Makes sense.” –matt w

“‘Thorp’s teams don’t handle adversity well!’ Uh-oh. If anyone ever introduces this ‘competition’ fad into sports, they’re screwed!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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