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Herb and Jamaal, 9/28/15

Pretty sure the word you’re looking for is “beneficiaries,” there, my friend! Or maybe not? Maybe this poor fellow has become ensnared in some diabolical scheme that he agreed to when he was young and foolish, when sinister figures offered to lavish gifts upon him so long as he named them in his life insurance policy, knowing, through devilishly accurate actuarial science, that their investment would be profitable. Now he’s a living financial product, the revenues arising from his demise already securitized and sold as tranches to overseas investors in China and Dubai, and everyone is just waiting as his clock ticks inevitably down.

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/15

This is amazing. I am genuinely in awe of this. Imagine that you had asked me, “Hey, Josh, this storyline, where Margo crossed a psychic and was behaving erratically and didn’t recognize her former fiance, who had sensed that she was in danger with his psychic Tibetan mind powers — can you come up with a super boring resolution for it?” Never in a million years would I have settled on “I dunno … something glandular, maybe?” I wouldn’t have had the nerve.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/28/15

I also would never have predicted that the “Other Woman” DVD would feature Lisa telling Les’s future partner that, yeah, Les is going to shout “LISA!” while you’re fucking, and that Cayla would watch this and smile a little smile and think, yeah, he does, that’s classic Les. I mean, it’s pretty obvious in retrospect that this was how this might go down, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to force myself to think about it long enough to reach that natural conclusion. I’ve barely been able to hold it together and type this paragraph.

Momma, 9/28/15

You know, the Met has very little contemporary art, so look on the bright side, Momma: at least your son isn’t some kind of eternal undead demon.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 9/27/15

Oh, look who’s suddenly the defender of strict laws regulating who can and cannot engage in genetic experimentation: it’s unnatural bipedal fox-abomination Slylock Fox! Slylock probably owes his very existence to Count Weirdly’s scientific advances, so I’m sorry, I think the Count and Wanda ought to be allowed to artificially create more humans via cloning, if only to restore some balance to this nightmare-world.

Apartment 3-G, 9/27/15

As usual, Sunday’s Apartment 3-G is just a rehash of what happened over the course of the week, but I feel there are a couple things worth pointing out. First of all, Tommie and Eric spend five panels outside, then very abruptly spend a panel inside before just as suddenly being outside again. More importantly, though, Tommie’s “plan” is hilariously moronic. I mean, I know she’s just trying to be inspirational, but still. “OK, here’s how we succeed. Step 1: we don’t fail. And that’s it! That’s literally all we need!”

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Crock, 9/26/15

Why did I recoil in disgust from Tuesday’s pee-soaked Beetle Bailey and yet genuinely chuckle at today’s camel-poop-centric Crock? I dunno, man, probably I’m just fickle, but I think it has a little to do with the attitudes of the two comic creatures. Otto looked sadistically thrilled at the prospect of pissing all over some innocent flowers; Quench the camel, meanwhile, just looks kind of pleased with himself for his quick thinking. “Yeah, you can kill me, bandit-man, but at least I gave back as good as I got, via pooping. That’s some solid wordplay-inspired defecation work on my part, if I do say so myself.”

(Side note: I remembered Quench’s name without having to look it up! I’m a sad, sad man who’s wasted his life.)

Funky Winkerbean, 9/26/15

Oh, God, this tape is going to be full of praise for anyone who managed to overcome her natural emotional defense mechanisms and fall in love with Les. I wish it were about sex stuff now!

Dennis the Menace, 9/26/15

All the neighborhood parents abruptly abandoned their homes and children several weeks ago, and these cookies are the last food they have left. Believe me, there’s nothing else! They’ve looked.