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The Phantom, 7/26/15

When we last saw Maurice, he was an unranked minion sleeping through his boss’s crash landing after a botched mission to kill the Phantom. You would expect such a terrible minion to be fired or at least killed, but co-branding agreements with a certain movie franchise have given minions everywhere second chances and promotions. Unfortunately, it hasn’t given Maurice sense enough to know which side of that door you want to be on when it closes.

The “Man who cannot die” has made a lot of enemies in his 479 years. There’s the Singh Brotherhood of Pirates, his Dad’s murderers, who date from before Bangalla moved from South Asia to Africa. And of course Chatu, the Wambesi terrorist who imprisoned Diana and now chills in tribal Supermax between Phantom beat-downs. Eric Sahara (The Nomad!) is subbing for Chatu during the latter’s sabbatical, but it doesn’t seem to be going well.

You know, daily Phantom is standing around spectating at Guran’s win-by-losing triumph in the Chief Derby, and Sunday Phantom is standing around spectating at the Nomad vs. Chatu gunathlon. Seems like the guy’s heart just isn’t in it anymore. Maybe it’s time to retire, let Heloise take her rightful place, and do color commentary.

Curtis, 7/26/15

Barry is an alternate-universe Curtis with the hero/tormentor and other roles subtly reversed. Here, Bizarro Derek and “Onion” deal out rough pool justice to history’s worst brother since Cain. And Ladies and Gentlemen, the hat is off!

Judge Parker, 7/26/15

Judge Parker seems hell-bent on making Neddy the sympathetic character because she was forced — forced — to turn down Mark’s proposal. And she feels terrible about it. What could that bastard have been thinking, to propose just like that for no reason at all!? And then leave in a huff. A goddamn HUFF the son of a bitch!!! Why do these terrible things keep happening to Neddy?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/25/15

Ahh, vacation time with the Morgans — two weeks of nothing but free food, drink, and fishing-themed sexual innuendo.

Dick Tracy, 7/25/15

Wave roses around, covet Space Coupes, brand a few minions on the face with a “B” and it won’t be long before people ask, “Say, do you suppose this ‘Mr. Bigg’ is actually beloved insane villain ‘Mr. Bribery’ from Dick Tracy’s beloved insane “Descent into Madness” period, the mid-1960’s?” Bribery was supposed to have died on June 26th, 1967, but today’s Bigg Reveal casts doubt on that.

Bribery is a bad man even by the standards of Dick Tracy villains, and let me tell you that’s pretty bad. You can read for yourself about his exploits, cigar-smoking cat, and much more on the lovingly maintained and informative Dick Tracy Wiki.

Bribery has long been obsessed with getting hold of a Space Coupe, even though the only one now in human hands was last seen carrying Dr. Sail, Dr. Ghote, “pilot” Flash Munro, no food or water, and very little oxygen toward Jupiter on a collision course. So that one’s probably out of reach. Kidnapping Diet Smith to build him a new one is Plan “B” (bwahaha).

Hi and Lois, 7/25/15

Hi’s wife is his boss. Thirsty’s wife is his enemy. Hypothesis: Thirsty and Irma are happier than Hi and Lois, and enjoy far better sex.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/24/15

Hey Old Cindy, news flash: popularity comes from people liking you. Young Cindy isn’t wearing a “popularity mask” — in her time she is genuinely, extraordinarily, and (imagine this) hilariously popular. And far from loathing herself, she feels really good about it. If you managed to talk yourself into regretting all that, it’s your loss — Young Cindy is having a blast.

Maybe Young Cindy should point out that bossy olds like you are forever bringing kids down telling them to stop having fun, and just because your Special Lesson cost you so much doesn’t mean it’s worth anything to her. And that her drink needs refreshing so excuse me lady, sheesh.

Hey, I guess in some crazy way that “self-loathing” thing was right after all!

Herb and Jamaal, 7/24/15

OK, Generic Customer Guy, what’s your beef? You didn’t like hanging out and watching TV with your friends, and you don’t like hauling stuff around for your friends, so I’m getting the impression you just really don’t like these friends! Go find new ones … like me, for example! It just so happens I’m replacing a fence out back, and will accept a generous offer to haul some lumber in lieu of a formal introduction.

Reminder: no Comments of the Week on my watch – Josh alone stands in judgment! I hope you enjoy your weekend as much as I enjoy building a fence with my new friend!

— Uncle Lumpy