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Hi and Lois, 4/2/15

“Dad pretends to be OK with little kid threatening to run away” is an old humor trope, but the bolding on months really adds a subtle edge to this one, in my opinion. “Ha ha, yeah, cute hobo bindle, glad to see I raised a kid who appreciates the classics, and by the way I don’t want to see you again until fucking July at the earliest, OK? Seriously, why am I even looking at you now? The railyard’s a couple miles away, you could be there before dark if you hurry. Don’t wanna spend too much time around railyards after dark, that’s my last tip for you.”

Mary Worth, 4/2/15

“Josh,” you’re probably wondering, “when will you stop putting up episodes from this Mary Worth cop-romance flashback every day just to marvel at their hilarious squareness?” Oh, I don’t know, maybe around the time they stop being hilariously square, something which I earnestly pray will never happen. Guys, what’s more terrifying than karate? Probably synchronized karate, am I right? Two flying karate kicks, coming at you a perfect tandem forged by professional camaraderie, true love, and years of training in a bald sensei’s dojo. Not really sure why they even need the guns in panel two, to be honest.

Beetle Bailey, 4/2/15

True story: based on General Halftrack’s gobsmacked expression in panel two, I assumed Private Blips was about to double-check his temperature using a rectal thermometer and wanted a little privacy for the procedure. In fact, the joke is that General Halftrack’s temperature is high because he’s horny for Miss Buxley! I’m terrible, but I’m pretty sure that’s worse.

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Mary Worth, 4/1/15

Looks like Adam and Terry weren’t just makeout partners; they were also partners … in crime. Wait, did I say “crime?” I meant “fighting crime, and specifically fighting crime through the medium of pretending to be criminals, so as to fool the real criminals.” Their crime-disguises are just so accurate that I forgot for a minute. An electric blue suit over a white non-buttoned shirt? Lime green short-shorts, long non-ponytailed hair, and sunglasses? Striking bold, unafraid poses in this criminal hellscape (why would you throw a blank piece of letter-size paper onto the sidewalk directly in front of a trash can unless you were the worst kind of monster)? This behattèd ne’er-do-well is going to spill his criminal guts to our heroes, thinking he’s talking to fellow lowlifes! Then they’ll go have some victory makeouts.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/15

So Mopey Pete has been strongarmed by his editor into doing a terrible dumb story for the comic book series he writes where it turns out that the superhero everyone’s been following and loving has been an evil (?) clone for years. Now a bunch of fans are going to freak the fuck out about it on the Internet, threatening to subject Pete to vigilante justice! Finally, a storyline where I can feel free to hate literally everybody involved.

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Mary Worth, 3/31/15

Well, well, it seems Terry and Adam had a nice little thing going on before he became a stalker-y creep. They had it all — both at work, which apparently involved handing pamphlets to a combovered man while standing at attention and smirking, and at play, by which they mean brazenly making out with Adam wearing nothing but his undershirt. His undershirt! It’s a good thing Mary can’t see this shameful reverie … or can she?

Marvin, 3/31/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Marvin is going try to sell food to people but hopes that the persistent odor of his feces will result in them eating less than what they’ve paid for!

Gasoline Alley, 3/31/15

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW BOOG