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Mary Worth, 3/27/15

Hey, guys, remember back in 2009, when Mark and Cherry Trail’s friend Patty kept a deer in her house and it infuriated her violent, jealous husband who slapped her around for it (not pictured) and shot the deer, but then the deer came back for revenge and injured him and they decided to let bygones be bygones and adopt a baby? This was egregious enough to generate actual angry letters to King Features, who said that they “should have done a better job of researching the facts about domestic violence” and “We can only apologize sincerely to the readers of Mark Trail for this oversight and endeavor to be more vigilant in the future.” So I’m hoping this vigilance will result in some negative reprecussions for Adam, whose decision to track down Terry has caused her to burst into tears and run away in panic and that’s before she finds out he’s literally moved into her apartment building? Rather than having Mary gently guide to two of them to the altar? Wait, never mind, this is Mary Worth, we know what they do to stalkers here.

Mark Trail, 3/27/15

In new-look Mark Trail, the only violence will be part of the eternal war of man against bug. Bankrupted by beetles! How humiliating that must be for you, Mark’s Friend With Hair That’s Really Aggressively Retreating At The Temples!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/15

Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, M.D., we find out that anyone who dares to inconvenience Sarah Morgan or her entourage in any way gets a MEATY FIST IN THE THROAT. Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for here again? I mean, in theory I’m against punching as an end game for economic disputes, but the thuggish enforcer of a longtime mob family does make some pretty good points about loyalty and the nature of patron-client relationships here.

Spider-Man, 3/27/15

Congratulations, Newspaper Spider-Man Comic Strip! You started a Wolverine storyline a full two months after the release of Wolverine: Origins, and an Avengers storyline four months before the release of the first Avengers movie, but now you’re introducing a storyline featuring beloved Avengers character Black Widow a mere five weeks before the release of the new Avengers movie! This is a decent example of cross-platform marketing for Marvel franchises! Spider-Man the character is still hilariously incompetent, of course, but Spider-Man the comic strip is kind of doing its job well for once.

Gil Thorp, 3/27/15

I DID IT EVERYONE

I SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THE ENDING OF THIS STORYLINE

WHO ELSE COULD’VE — oh, literally everybody? Oh, OK. Damn it, now I’m mostly just bummed that we didn’t get to see the no doubt hilariously inept Max-Bobby fisticuffs.

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Gil Thorp, 3/26/15

Shockingly, the kid who thinks “Max Bacon™” is a cool nickname and who’s been buying what may or may not be fake Adderall has turned out to be not particularly smart.

Heathcliff, 3/26/15

If you’re looking to make the most of your seafood dollar, buying fish from a pet store is indeed about the least efficient way to go about it.

Hi and Lois, 3/26/15

Fortunately for Ditto, Meaties®, the new all-meat cereal from General Mills, is compatible with gluten-free and low-carb diets while still delivering the delicious meaty taste kids crave.

Pluggers, 3/26/15

Price inflation is a natural feature of nearly all economic systems, and in most cases is not a sign of any sort of macroeconomic distress, but pluggers have lived long enough to find it disorienting.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/26/15

AT LAST, WE’VE GOTTEN TO THE PART OF THIS STORYLINE WHERE THIS BRUTAL MOB ENFORCER MAKES AN UNREASONABLY DEMAND AND SOME POOR SCHMO BEGS FOR HIS LIFE

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Shoe, 3/25/15

This is, of course, major front-page news in the Shoeniverse: a ghastly charnel house, a monstrous corporation that makes its profits from turning sapient birds into food for other birds, has been brought down from within. One can only imagine the horrific final days there. How were birds chosen for slaughter? Might you find yourself an executive in the corporation one day, only to be murdered, butchered, and devoured the next, because of some imagined slight against the company’s tyrannical leader? The final cathartic overthrow of the tyrant must have been violent and bloody, as his fanatical supporters were all too aware that they too would be destined for the fryer in a final orgy of cathartic and retributive violence. The Pefesser stares dully at the monitor as he types, doing his best to use his rational, analytic mind to describe the horrors he’s seen without breaking down and sobbing.

Dennis the Menace, 3/25/15

The biggest wave of menace in today’s Dennis the Menace comes from the bedroom eyes Henry is flashing in the second panel. “Welp, just got more confirmation that adulthood’s crushing ennui is more than the innocent mind of a child can handle. Wanna fool around for seven to twelve minutes before I fall asleep, out of soul-deep exhaustion?”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/25/15

“Get it? Because your car used to … carry dead people around in it? Girls love a guy with a sense of humor, right?”