Post Content

Mark Trail, 1/24/15

I guess if you almost drowned after being blown up, and then you came to in some mysterious stranger’s ancestral raccoon-guarded swamp-palace, then “relaxed” might be the emotion you’d feel! I mean, you’d maybe be more relaxed if he said “You’re in a hospital where competent medical professionals will be tending to the injuries resulting from your recent traumatic experience, and also law enforcement officials are investigating this terrible crime,” but waking up in an isolated cabin with someone who doesn’t play by society’s rules about how to to deal with bombs and wounded people is kind of relaxing, I guess.

Mary Worth, 1/24/15

You know, people complain about how the Kids Today won’t stop texting during movies or checking their Twitters or whatever, but for my money the number one problem in theaters is old people who just will not shut up about unexpectedly finding a second chance at love! It’s like, hey, senior citizens, was your romance so intense and heart-warming that Nicholas Sparks wrote about it in a novel that was optioned by Warner Brothers before it even hit a second printing and was eventually made into the movie that we all paid $12 to see? No? Then pipe down, jeez.

Post Content

Hello all! Let’s start the weekend right the best way we can: with a comment of the week!

“Nice, quote Oedipus while peeling the eyes from potatoes.” –Joe Momma

And some very funny runners up!

“Crestfallen Sean only manages to continue because he took the batteries out of his hearing aid. If music be the food of love, then what the hell is this?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Charity? That’s one of my favorite causes!” –Peanut Gallery

“Are we actually sure Mr. Wants-to-be-Coach is talking about abstract brands here? Maybe it’s tradition in Gil Thorp-land to literally brand successful players with red-hot irons? ‘It’s time to choose your brand, kid. Make it a good one; you’re gonna have it forever.’” –Lanfranc

“If people feel the need to add the words ‘that criminal known as the…’ in front of your name, it means your nickname didn’t take. Sorry, Jumbler.” –Joe Blevins

“Herb is doing his best to keep print media alive, and he’s pissed off that Jamaal brings up the competition in such a light. ‘Well, if you like these new forms of communication so much, why don’t you go sex their buttholes?! I’m reading the newspaper!'” –rbmalpha

“Sean’s face and arm say, ‘Hey, babe, wanna catch a flick?,’ while his words and leglessness say, ‘I am an animatronic torso programmed to ask the female to view a film.'” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“A BRIBE? You, sir, have clearly never eaten at Montoni’s.” –Windier E. Megatons

“So, this robot took three steps forward and then teetered and fell on its face? A worthy adversary indeed!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You know, maybe wizards who walk around in the middle of winter with bare feet and in robes that stop at their hips shouldn’t be so quick to judge The Girls Today.” –Alex Blaze

“HANDS UP DON’T SMIRK” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Today’s Dick Winkerbean aggregate finally answers the question: How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?” –SgtSaunders

“Don’t confuse jurisdiction with its exact synonym, legal authority. And while you are chewing on that koan, here’s the sound of one hand pulling a trigger.” –Nekrotzar

“Jell-O molds and a ‘Valentine’s social’? Say what you will about pluggers being old-fashioned, but a time-traveling chicken from 1955 is a movie concept I would definitely go to see.” –BigTed

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Post Content

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/15

Oh hey were you wondering what was going with the story of Kelly the teen, who’s being gifted with a free car and a zero-tolerance contract in order to ferry around Sarah Morgan and fulfill the nebulous art-education whims of a lovable old gangster moll? (Haha, I love trying to construct the most implausibly absurd sentences that are nevertheless 100% accurate descriptions of soap opera plots.) Anyway, Bugsy the driver, who is totally reformed and absolutely no longer a brutal mob enforcer, probably, is taking Kelly to get her free car, and it’s a hearse! It’s also free to Bugsy and Mrs. P., because of some ill-defined relationship between garishly suited hearse salesman “Tony” and Mrs. P.’s criminal syndicate. When Bugsy says Mrs. P. “sends her best to you and your family,” does that mean that Tony’s family has now been released from captivity? When Tony thanks Bugsy for “what she did for us,” is that a reference to her mob’s long reign of violent terror really boosting the market for hearses?

Pluggers, 1/23/15

You know you’re a plugger when you’ve never cooked anything even remotely healthy in your entire life.