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Haha, whoops, I completely neglected to do a comment of the week last week, didn’t I? In my defense there was, uh, Thanksgiving weekend and such. ANYWAY. I’m fixing that today! Ladies and gentlemen, your comment … of the week!

“In the first panel, a cackling octogenarian Pee Wee Herman squeezes some white goo into a bowl while Tobey gives herself a breast exam. After that, who needs a second panel?” –AhClem

And the hilarious runners up!

“‘I’m worried about MJ. I keep giving her the finger, and she doesn’t even notice,’ thinks Peter, the man who forgot how hands work.” –made of wince

“Having visited Iceland with its 300,000 inhabitants, I can totally understand how the Phantom family, especially the tall purple dude with the trenchcoat, will be able to move about while remaining quite unnoticed. Yes.” –Poteet

“Deserve to be in the finals? What, are you insinuating that we’re here just because of luck, or some kind of deal with Satan where I traded my immortal soul for just one shot at glory with this terrible team? Because that is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.” –pugfuggly

“Stan Lee IS Sean Hastings IN The Brave Little Toaster III: The Quickening.” –@MattFossen on Twitter

“Pius XI wrote some encyclicals that pointed out the evils of greed, capitalism and international finance. Gil will rally his troops by explaining that they’re not going to up against the power of the Almighty, they’re going to war against Communism.” –Hogenmogen

“A basic artistic question has been haunting Judge Parker’s readership: how would Manley portray a Hollywood star world-famous for her good looks in a strip where lawyers, secretaries, ‘translators,’ bookish high school students, vineyard owners in Napa County, and the domestic staff at Spencer Farms are all as stunningly gorgeous as the constraints of a daily comic strip panel allows? Well, the answer delivers on Judge Parker’s core strength of deadpan social satire. From her ludicrous name to the blank oblivion behind her glasses to the fact that she has a bra-less figure that by high-fashion mannequins would consider unrealistic, Godiva Danube is the paragon of empty, mass-media materialism.” –Master Softheart

“Dennis the Menace raises questions about time and space. Did Alice have time to wash her hands? Where is ‘there’ that isn’t here? Is there a safe concealed behind the vaguely erotic broccoli painting? If so, how does it fit into the thin wall?” –Downpuppy

“A ‘classic’? Does that mean this has run before? ‘Hello, Mr Pluggers Guy? Yeah, this is Bill Beck. My wife is still bugging me about the gutters. Can you rerun that cartoon for me? Thanks, appreciate it.'” –aphthakid

“‘That swamp really smells bad! I can’t wait to replace it with the clear, dry, mineral scent of a mining operation.’ ‘We get it, Mitchum — you’re named after a deodorant.'” –BigTed

“So he just leaves through his own apartment window? Well, I guess that’s how he keeps his secret identity. Man on the street: ‘Wow, Spider-Man sure visits that dipshit Parker a lot.'” –Mikey

“Hey, if you’ve got a squirrelly guy like Mitchum around the office — masturbates behind word bubbles, walks around with a cup and pot of coffee, calls sums of money ‘large’ — you’ll want to assure him to calm the fuck down at the end of every sentence you speak.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Crankshaft takes place in the relative past to Funky Winkerbean, right? So it’s safe to assume that in the main Funkyverse strip, this movie theater does not exist and has fallen into oblivion. This pleases me.” –Justin

“I’m legitimately amazed that Ed hasn’t responded to Mustache Man’s continual self-pity/loathing with something along the lines of ‘People aren’t tired of seeing movies on the big screen. They’re just tired of you.’ This isn’t the Crankshaft we know and lov… we know.” –Shran

“Mary Worth likes to watch people fuck. Now we know.” –cheech wizard

“Loweezy wears a hat over a shawl. Let that sink in for a moment. Loweezy wears a hat over a shawl.” –Pozzo

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/5/14

I guess it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that the eschatological beliefs of the residents of Hootin’ Holler trend towards Christian futurism. Loweezy isn’t sure whether the Great Tribulation will happen before the Rapture, or after, or if one will happen in the midst of the other, but one thing’s for certain: it’s best to stock up on detergent now.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/14

The first three times I read this strip, I thought Baldy McPresumptious said “Ah, yes — you’re with Ms. Magee,” presumably because my brain is desperately trying to make things interesting. Anyway, the strip is still noteworthy for the narration box in panel one, which seems like a grudging workaround for the fact that no A3G character is going to have anything other than an expressionless rubber mask for a face anytime soon.

Gasoline Alley, 12/5/14

As you know, I routinely ignore Gasoline Alley for months at a time. But clearly I need to tune back in for the thrills and twists of our latest plotline, “Skeezix buys a phone charger,” which promises to reach the heights of “Skeezix returns a DVD player.” Elderly characters grappling with mundane tasks involving modern technology are the core of this strip’s brand!

Mary Worth, 12/5/14

“It’ll be a good way for you to see them interact,” said one completely normal human to another! If you had “alien anthropologist studying Earthling behavior” in the “What exactly is the deal with Mary Worth” pool, you’ve gotta be pretty psyched today.

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Pluggers, 12/4/14

Pluggers usually focuses on the vaguely cheery aspects of life as an aging, downwardly mobile working-class beast-thing, but occasionally the truly grim undercurrent is made explicit. Kudos to Pluggers HQ for going there with the phrase “a small part of each plugger dies” in the caption. Usually a small part of each plugger dies when coronary blockage stops the flow of life-giving oxygen to various limbs, but the bug-eyed stare this man-bear is giving to the useless stump where an outdated piece of electronic equipment once moldered lets us know that this psychic pain is just as real.

Crankshaft, 12/4/14

Speaking of real pain, Crankshaft is really turning it up this week! Today we’re not even given the glimpse of a punchline, just one of our ancillary characters stewing in agony as his life’s work (which, I should say again, I’m reasonably sure we didn’t even know was his life’s work until this week) dies around him.

Anyway, it’s true that it’s a brutal environment out there for single-screen theaters. Some have been able to make it work by doing special events, live performances, and the like, though most of those are in major urban areas and not decaying rust-belt gloom-towns like Centerville. Still, I have a couple of ideas to improve Crankshaft’s Bald Friend Whose Name I Forget’s business plan: (1) your “nostalgia” flicks probably shouldn’t be widely hated slasher flicks from the early ’00s; and (2) I don’t care if you’re the owner, how about not talking while the movie is playing?