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Funky Winkerbean, 8/10/14

Good news, everyone! Despite the fact that Les holds everyone involved in the lowbrow and extremely lucrative (for him) process of turning Lisa’s Story into a cable movie in the deepest contempt, he’s still been able to give everyone little pick-me-ups and sage advice, like “it’s really all about acting,” so I think everything’s going to be OK. The best line here is clearly “Not in a weird way or anything,” because the best way to make sure an attractive actress knows you’ve been masturbating to the pictures on her website is to blurt out, without prompting, “NOT IN A WEIRD WAY OR ANYTHING” after telling her you’ve been looking at her website.

Crock, 8/10/14

Jules Schmeese is definitely one of the more hapless of the damned souls who inhabit Crock, always on the verge of being executed but never actually achieving the sweet release of death. Today we learn that not only is he somehow suspended in his final moments of mortal terror forever, but that, like Franz Kafka’s Josef K., he is not even permitted to know what he has done to merit his punishment.

Hagar the Horrible, 8/10/14

We already know that Hagar looks forward to the day when he will enter Valhalla. Apparently he’s concerned that his entourage in the afterlife won’t be adequate for his status, because he’s planning on taking his entire crew with him whether they want to go or not.

Heathcliff, 8/10/14

Heathcliff killed a shark with a fork, and now he’s going to eat it! That’s the joke, I think?

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Mary Worth, 8/9/14

Since the dawn of time earliest days of this blog, Mary Worth has had one message for us when it comes to drugs, and that message is: drugs are bad. But it’s not just ponytail-sporting ex-cons who sell and/or do drugs. No, drug abuse can be found among the pillars of society, like doctors with comically inappropriate names, who seem like upstanding non-addicts but when you stumble into their office at night you find them ready to inject themselves with some sweet, sweet morphine/heroin/look that’s a medicine syringe and I just happened to have it laying out on the table while I did a little flexing, OK? I’m not a junkie, I swear! Anyway, I definitely would not let this guy remove any cysts from my torso, no sir.

Judge Parker, 8/9/14

Welp, it looks like Gloria and Steve won’t be raising human cattle for processing into Soylent Green after all; this was apparently just a weird reference to having their having kids or whatever. Anyway, today is the day we learn that Gloria hasn’t done any work in years.

Apartment 3-G, 8/9/14

We, the readers, already know that Tommie’s Terrible Trauma is that her fiancé died in a plane crash. Does that make her refusal to talk about it more or less boring for us? Discuss.

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Hope your mid-August is going pleasantly, and that this hilarious comment of the week makes it more so!

“No more water, Jeffy, fire next time. FIRE. NEXT. TIME.” –Chyron HR

These very funny runners up certainly won’t hurt, either!

“The Singing Clam has gone solo? Does he still perform songs from his old band, The Bivalvet Underground?” –gelded wildebeeste

Judge Parker: “How about two weeks in your own Parisian flat two blocks from the Eiffel Tower? However, you can’t keep the money that sometimes leaks from the plumbing. That’s ours. Just let it accumulate in the buckets that have been set out for the purpose and Ned or I will collect it the next time one of us happens to be there.” –cheech wizard

“Ahh, the problem is revealed in panel three. The shape of Pam’s ear indicates that she’s an elf from Middle-Earth, perhaps an Eldar, who has lingered long in the corrupt and declining world of men, far from the Blessed Realm. This is why everything in this Funkyverse is so forlorn. She knows that none of these trucks will serve Lembas. She knows.” –Joe Momma

Mary Worth: “Her voice says ‘intuitive about a lot of things’ but her pointy finger says ‘I can say with experience that she’s a magical psychic being with powers of precognition your puny minds cannot comprehend! Do not doubt my powers!’ It’s all in the wrist, with Mary.” –Mikey

“So, you hear about that new bull in the barn? Yeah, he’s hung like a horse … Wait, is that a compliment for a bull? Anyway, he’s big. I like ‘em beefy. Oh, yeah, ‘beefy’ isn’t polite. He’s horny, too. I mean, you know, because he’s a bull. Okaaay, I heard Edna got killed, ground up and packaged yesterday.” –hogenmogen

“If Camp Swampy has a hygiene problem, maybe it’s because there are just two small sinks for an entire barracks. And everyone walks around barefoot in the latrine area. And Beetle appears to be lathering his face with a toothbrush. And Cookie… well, let’s not even talk about Cookie.” –BigTed

“Sam is looking through an early draft of his book, Eye Contact and How to Avoid It.” –Joe Blevins

“Sure, I’ll give you the horns as soon as I drink from this canteen … with the cap still on! Ha ha!” –Little Blue Bicycle

Funky Winkerbean: “Oh, I know so many things about Pavarotti, all from this biography right here! Tomorrow I’m reading about Guy de Maupassant — Mason, have you considered syphilis?” –Uncle Lumpy

“I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to ride in a taxi cab with a driver with hollow eyes that swallow your nightmares. Where to? how about the darkest corners of your soul?” –Chareth Cutestory

Funky Winkerbean: “Yeah, yeah, more talk about nails. Say Les, there’s three nails right here! Let take them and this hammer and go over to the set of The Last Temptation of Christ. I want to show you something!” –Mikey

“The Treetops Tattler-Tribune, despite being part of a rapidly shrinking market in a moribund medium, continues to survive in the Shoe universe of ornithoid/humanoid beings, but not due to its curmudgeonly weather hotline, which is outdated even by pre-internet standards. Rather, it owes its continued success to two words: cage lining.” –Chad Sexington

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• Self-Loathing Nerds: Humor fiction, news, reviews, and other crap by some huge god damned nerds.

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