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Hello all, hope you are about to embark on a fine Memorial Day Weekend, if you live in America. Let me very briefly point out to you that if you are going to be in Baltimore next Wednesday you could do worse than see me perform my beloved character “Gary the Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor”, at Chucklestorm! Please come and enjoy!

And now, your comment of the week!

“I’m just taking a moment to enjoy the confused look on the faces of the vikings holding the now-superfluous battering ram. ‘Uh, so do we, uh … I mean, what do we do here? Do we still run headlong into the door, or…?'” –Joe Blevins

And your very funny runners up!

“Actually, it really is surprisingly depressing to see Pluggers quote ‘Fake Plastic Trees’. NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE RADIOHEAD, YOU BASTARDS. GO BACK TO HANK JR. YOU CHOSE THIS PATH, NOW WALK IT.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Cherry should have known better than to leave ‘the talk’ to Mark.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“It’s black and white. But it’s always called Le Chat Bleu, because if there’s one thing that doesn’t make you look like a pretentious douche, it’s naming the personification of your mental state in French.” –Horace Broon

“Wait, I thought the talking cat represented death, or maybe just cancer-death? I dunno, this is Funky Winkerbean, I guess it can be two things, as long as one of the things is cancer.” –Dan

“I was going to say here that Tommy could use the prison experience to his benefit by explaining that his assigned duties were janitorial and that he is very familiar with the instruments of dirt removal and has kept abreast of the latest developments in cleaning technology in the trade periodicals. But look at what a shit-ass job he’s doing in his own flashback. It’s like he’s never seen a goddamned mop before. Don’t have that flashback in front of Jerry, or the gig is gone.” –hogenmogen

“A ‘guilt trip’, dear? I wouldn’t call it that but I can see how you would. Would you like a salmon square? Oh, that’s right. It reminds you of things you are suppressing. Grey, garish things.” –tallyHO

“Last year’s county fair a had a pretty lackluster freak show tent, so Jack is really hoping that the twin calves are conjoined. To be honest, we’re all hoping.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I really hope you’re kidding, Carol. Jack has made it clear that I am not to fall in love with him until I’ve mucked out the stables 35 times. Only 15 more to go, and then I can—Oops! Look at the time! Jack allows me one potty break at 10:00, and it’s 9:58. Gotta run!” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Oooh, I wonder how they’re going to stage a catfight without anybody touching or making eye contact.” –TheDiva

“‘Dr. Octopus sure is a pussycat lately.’ ‘Yeah, as it turns out, the most dangerous thing about him were those powerful metal tentacles attached to his torso that he could control with his mind.'” –pugfuggly

“I hope this strip continues to gradually de-power its characters one-by-one until it’s finally through being a silly affair about an insecure, petulant, ineffectual superhero self-contradictingly titled The Amazing Spider-Man and becomes a poignant and brooding character study simply called Man.'” –Perfesser Wut

“I’m intrigued by the implication that ‘lately’, while still in prison, Dr. Octopus had been allowed to keep his metal tentacles. ‘Remember two weeks ago before they took them away? I’m still hosing the blood out of the guard’s breakroom in cellblock D. I guess that’s one way to bust a union.'” –David Schraub

“I am 99% sure that there is nothing in the Declaration of Independence that could be construed as a commentary on workplace safety issues, at least not by conventional standards of jurisprudence. In fact, I had thought that it was one of the few things that anti-regulation Tea Partiers and abortion-crazed liberal Obamaites revered in common. Although I suppose that none of that will matter in ten seconds, after school bus 110 has tragically crashed in the forest while going 95 miles per hour, while some bunnies watch in shock and horror as the grisly carnage unfolds before their adorable eyes.” — Chad Sexington

“If the new boss actually has to say ‘we don’t abuse each other,’ you know something really bad went down with your predecessor, probably involving cops and lots and lots of lawyers.” –BigTed

“Hangovers are a great way to celebrate a dry, hot climate — you can synchronize your pounding headaches with the relentless noontime sun.” –made of wince

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Mary Worth, 5/23/14

“God damn it, Tommy, do you not know how to take a hint? Look, all I’m saying is that if you want to sell meth out of the restaurant, that’s fine with me — more than fine — as long I get my 30 percent of the gross! I think that’s plenty fair, and … wait, you’re not wearing a wire, are you? Damn it damn it damn it damn it”

Six Chix, 5/23/14

“Also the left side of my face is melting off and I’m not wearing any shoes and this thing in front of us is a rug to me but a coffee table to you in defiance of the ordinary rules of time and space. Probably time to cut down on the peyote, is what I’m trying to say!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/22/14

In case you forgot, the title of Les’s book about his dead wife Lisa dying of cancer is Lisa’s Story, which is a terrible boring title that conveys zero information about the book’s tone, genre, or content. At least with a book there’s a cover and a subtitle to draw in attention; as a movie title, Lisa’s Story would be wholly meaningless and an instant kiss of death. In other words, I’m looking forward to this Funky Winkerbean storyline about heroic marketing professionals in the entertainment industry doing their job to the best of their ability in the face of impossible odds.

Judge Parker, 5/22/14

I can’t remember if we ever got an origin story on these diamonds, but based on the players involved the best-case scenario is that Abbott purchased them from a legal, licensed dealer with the millions he made over the years from selling weapons to despotic governments, violent rebel militias, and terrorist fanatics. The worst-case scenario involves a private slave-worked mine in Sierra Leone given to him by a grateful warlord as a thank-you for a long and fruitful business relationship, and is probably best not dwelled upon. Anyway, just sit tight, Randy! Everything is going to be fine! … for you.

Spider-Man, 5/22/14

I’m intrigued by the statement “he can’t play Doctor Octopus anymore,” as it seems to imply that Octavius’s villainous identity was no more than a role, a character he was putting on, and now that his mechanical arms have been somehow detached from his body, he returns to his essential “real” self. Anyway, “Spider-Man fights bio-mechanical madman with super-strong metal arms” was obviously way too exciting for the newspaper Spider-Man narrative aesthetic, so let’s all settle in for “Spider-Man fights portly scientist with bowl haircut.”

Gasoline Alley, 5/22/14

“That’s right, and I won’t get to work in a mine until I’m 18, thanks to these job-killing, innovation-stifling government regulations!”