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“I ate at this great Italian place in Times Square called ‘the Olive Garden'”

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Mary Worth, 12/16/13

Oh goodie, Mary is hitting the “NEW YORK IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD” fugue state many visitors achieve when they’ve been there for a few days, assuming they haven’t been permanently turned off by the density or the people or the smell. Look at how blissfully happy she is shoving that delicious cheese ’n’ grease triangle into her grinning teeth in panel one! We all know she won’t have the nerve to actually up and move to New York, but look for her to sigh theatrically and talk about how everything in Santa Royale is so lame compared to New York for weeks after she gets back. (She’ll be right.)

Marvin, 12/16/13

I guess “Elf Marvy” is supposed to be Marvin’s dream elf name, à la Hermey the Elf from the Rankin-Bass Rudolph special? Or maybe “Marvy” is just the cool nickname that he’s always wanted but nobody will give him, because it has the same number of syllables as “Marvin” and also nobody likes him enough to give him a nickname. Anyway, Marvin this week will be relentlessly hammering home some dumb joke where Santa Claus becomes one of the Duck Dynasty people, so brace yourself for that.

Heathcliff, 12/16/13

I’m not sure what possible interpretation of this cartoon is more unsettling: that Heathcliff is going to fuck this cupcake, or that he’s going to eat it, with the visual tropes of romance being a metaphorical lead-in to eating it.

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I’m MC Billy and I’m here to say/ Nope not gonna go any further with this

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Judge Parker, 12/15/13

Oh hey remember the overly nice concierge who aggressively helped Judge Parker Senior with his terrible screenplay? (Side note: the Parkers have been on this hell cruise since July, Jesus.) Anyway, she’s now been replaced by a “fantastic” computer program, so we’ll need no more of her creative input! She’ll be perfectly happy with whatever loose hundos Alan had floating around in his wallet, plus a “small writer’s credit,” and hahahahaha if he thinks that there’s any such thing as a “small writer’s credit” or that he gets to decide who gets one. Hope you enjoy endless lawsuits and/or WGA mediation sessions, Alan!

Family Circus, 12/15/13

Re: “rapping his presence”: Obviously it’s ludicrous that a seven-year-old in 2013 would think “rapping” means “criticizing” and not “hip-hop vocals.” But still, I think we can all be thankful that the Family Circus has chosen not to depict some form of terrifying holiday-themed Christian praise rap.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 12/15/13

oh no Shady Shrew has mastered inception, we’re all done for

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Keep in mind that manure-shoveling is a significant part of Id’s economy

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Crankshaft, 12/14/12

Hey, all, have you been curious about why exactly Crankshaft has introduced a new character, who is cheerful and competent and thus hated by Crankshaft but also sad and lonely and abandoned by her family, into the strip? Well, now you know: she’s Crankshaft’s new love interest. that’s right, they’re going to make sex to each other, probably still wearing their Santa outfits. Happy holidays! (I took the Christ out of Christmas there because the whole scenario would make Baby Jesus cry.)

Apartment 3-G, 12/14/13

I haven’t really been able to figure out what the deal is with Cole’s doctor in Apartment 3-G, beyond the fact that he’s a creep with inconsistent character design. (Ha ha, it’s kind of funny that when I see two wildly different people presented as doctors in this strip, my assumption is not “there are multiple physicians working on the same case” but rather “jeez, Apartment 3-G artist and colorists, get it together.”) Anyway, Doctor “Doc” Whoever continues to be vaguely off-putting today, and also continues to deal with Lu Ann as if she has some relationship to his patient beyond “former art teacher of daughter.” What could this mysterious Christmas gift be? “Surprise! It’s a new brain for Cole, your not-boyfriend! A brain is what he needs, right? I sure hope so, it’s been out of the fridge for a while and it’s gonna go bad soon.”

Wizard of Id, 12/14/13

There’s obviously a lot to object to in this cartoon, but the one thing I can’t get past is the idea that Id is somehow one of the 20 most economically powerful nations in the faux-medieval hell dimension where it exists.