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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/9/14

Oh hey, remember how Sarah Morgan, who is a child, got a lucrative book deal from a museum for her horsey drawings, but it came so easily to her that she was wracked with self-doubt? Well, just because she may be undergoing some internal self-reassessment doesn’t mean that it’s okay for the people paying her money for a book to assign her an God-damned professional editor to supervise the process just like they would for literally any other writer they publish, including adults who have already written multiple books. Just look at her face in that last panel! You’re dealing with Sarah Morgan, motherfuckers, and her lawyer is going to make sure you regret everything about this decision.

Beetle Bailey, 2/9/14

Speaking of regrets, I sure regret reading this comic, because now I can’t stop thinking about Otto the dog suddenly growing to full human size and asserting his right to bring lady dogs to the barracks, for sex.

Hi and Lois, 2/9/14

Ha ha, an adorable child in a comic is talking about “promoting my brand,” time to break all the computers and move to an island far away!

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Dennis the Menace, 2/8/14

Implying that Almighty God might not be all-knowing and all-powerful, that there might be limits to His ability to hear prayers from His mortal creations, that He is somehow constrained by the passage of time as perceived by us puny beings, that He must occasionally rest? Menacingly heretical! It is perhaps ironic that Dennis is courting divine wrath only if he’s wrong.

Pluggers, 2/8/14

This is … a joke about the metric system, I guess? Pluggers are glad that we don’t use metric time? Pluggers are relieved that the most radical phase of the French Revolution burned itself out before the icy tide of Jacobin rationality could wash away all of our long-standing traditional institutions, like the division of time into sixtieths that dates back to ancient Babylon? Sure, why the hell not! Let’s hear it for sexagesimal chronometry!

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Hey all! Are you ready? For your comment of the week? I hope so!

“After the wild success of Garbage Ape, the team at Heathcliff is seeing what other wacky new characters they can spawn. Personally, I don’t find ‘Philosopher Yarn’ very exciting, but I’m creating a tumblr for him right now just in case he blows up.” –pugfuggly

And your hilarious runners up! Still prepared, emotionally, for the hilarity?

“The second to last panel of Hi and Lois features Hagar the Horrible hanging out with that babbling kid from Fat Albert, which is something I’m pretty surprised to realize I have been waiting for my entire life.” –Tophat

“Hey, kids, let’s all learn about frostbite by watching your comic strip hero Mark Trail freeze to death.” –Liam

“It looks like Tommie’s feeding that baby deer with a bottle of vodka. Seems more like a Margo move.” –Yahtzee

“When did Rick Santorum take over the lead in Mark Trail and why is he so passionate about turtles? (Pro tip: do not Google ‘Rick Santorum turtles’.)” –Ed Dravecky

“I actually laughed at this, but only because I imagine that Les is the kind of teacher who smirks sarcastically (possibly with condescending puns) when his students are stressed about deadlines, and I hate him.” –GTM

“Anyone else feel cheated because we’ll never see Philip Seymour Hoffman play Thirsty in Hi and Lois: The Movie?” –nescio

“So … Hi and Thirsty are at Andy Capp’s wake?” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Jim!! I’ll be right down!’ yelled Tommie into the wrong end of the telephone. ‘Gosh,’ she thought to herself, ‘I sure hope I get to see Jim soon. Preferably before my eyes, which have slowly been drifting closer to each other over the course of the phone call, completely collide!'” –Cassandra Cat’s Lawyer

“Does anyone else find it odd that Slylock Fox on Comics Kingdom is listed in the Family genre, but NOT in the Animals genre? Has the rise of the animals already started?” –Hogenmogen

“In other news, I think Blondie farted.” –Nekrotzar

“The Bumsteads’ marriage is on thin ice. I mean that quite literally. Just check out their kitchen floor.” –Joe Blevins

“I did wonder, for a minute anyway, whether Looweezy (sp?) was listening to Ringo or Joe Cocker. Wouldn’t the despair of the Joe Cocker version suit her better, as she sits by her threadbare, badly-patched curtains, knitting next year’s Christmas tree in blue yarn because the Hootin’ Holler store only sells one color at a time, probably contemplating her next meal of cabbage soup or something similar? All while her man goes off to blow the last few coppers in her cookie jar on a game he’s going to lose despite trying to cheat, because his ace fell out of the hole in his sleeve on the way out the door.” –sally

“Heathcliff is too weird to live and too rare to die.” –Martha

“I knew this day would come; the twins have finally lost their minds. Ditto is pretending to be a morse code snake and Dot thinks she’s in Oz. Hi, fetch the chloroform.” –Dr. Dread

“Apparently, you’re also a plugger if your truck drives six inches above the ground in a featureless Limbo. The old dog smiles wryly, for his granddaughter doesn’t yet understand that there is no need for texting when there is no one else in this world.’ –Guts Dozier

“Hey Ditto, your father’s name is Hiram. Go nuts.” –Rusty

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