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Wizard of Id, 2/11/14

Valentine’s Day is coming up, everybody! The Wizard of Id has long ago made its position on this beloved, long-standing holiday clear: that it leads directly to grotesque and perverse sexual practices. This year’s cautionary tale includes normal human love, the use of a broomstick as a potentially dangerous sexual aid, tree-fucking, and of course your garden-variety bestiality. The most harrowing aspect is that this full-panel horrorshow is being published three days before February 14th, which means that the rest of the week will be dedicated to increasingly grim sex-nightmares and will conclude with the strip’s entire readership taking vows of chastity and/or suicide.

B.C., 2/11/14

Ha ha, yes, it’s funny because “1982” is a year in the distant past when we all used pay phones and made collect calls? Except it’s in the distant future for the cavemen of B.C.? Or the even more distant past, according to the persistent theory that B.C. takes place in our post-apocalyptic future? Anyway, good joke, B.C., it’s not going to make most readers confused and irritated at having to think about your timeline situation at all. Also, probably the phone should’ve rung at some point.

Spider-Man, 2/11/14

J. Jonah Jameson has gone mad with power and is determined to destroy our hero! Looks like it’s time for Spidey to use his greatest power: running away! THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!!!!!

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This is yet another reminder to Baltimore-regional folk that your have the unique opportunity to see hilarious live acts based on the Internet, the very Internet on which you’re reading this text! On this coming Sunday, February 16! In downtown Baltimore! Hosted by me, Comics Curmudgeon Josh Fruhlinger, plus Rifftrax’s Conor Lastowka! Hilarity includes:

• Wikipedia movie pitch madness
• Robotic status updates gone mad
• Secret emails that only Hollywood insiders receive
• WikiFur drama
• Children arguing with adults
• People who you don’t want to date even though they want to date you
• Craigslist polymorphous perversity
• Improvised riffing on ALL of the above
• The glory and pageantry of CAT MASSAGE
• Plus a [Citation Needed] giveaway, and also an opportunity for us to “give away” the book to you, in exchange for money, so it’s really more “selling” the book, but wouldn’t that be fun, and we’ll even sign it for you?

Anyway, you should come, here’s the Facebook event, etc.

And if you’re wondering, “How can I find out about Josh-related performances like this if I forget to check out the Comics Curmudgeon”: well, I don’t want to be all trendy, but you might want to follow Josh on the social media whosit of your choice:

• Twitter
• Facebook
• Tumblr
• Google+
• Instagram

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Blondie, 2/10/14

The Winter Olympics, in addition to being a stage where the greatest athletes compete at the highest level to achieve glory, is also a carefully managed corporate product with armies of lawyers. They are not to be joked about, OK? You can’t just publish in hundreds of newspapers a dumb joke about how the kids today like texting and wouldn’t it be funny if someone at the Olympics were texting while competing in their chosen event? No, that would be unthinkable. You can only have someone make that joke, then immediately acknowledge that it was just a joke, ha ha, obviously the Olympics has no such event, that would be degrading to the sport, please, tune in for primetime coverage on NBC!

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/14

Tommie’s fiancé has stopped by her apartment in New York on the way to the airport … from … England? Which makes no sense? Anyway, he’s missed his plane now, because they’re “drowsy from happiness,” which I’m assuming is some sort of code for sex that you’re allowed to use in the comics because it’s completely opaque. But now he’s missed his plane! And his head is bobbing suggestively! And he’s going to figure out that his fiancée is a crazy person who is keeping a baby deer in her New York City apartment! Everything about this whole scenario just screams “surrealistic dream narrative” to me, starting with “somebody agreed to marry Tommie.”

Herb and Jamaal, 2/10/14

Ho ho, these fellas are lost but they won’t stop and ask for directions? Men, amiright? In unrelated news, Herb has a malignant melanoma.