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As America has suffered under the polar vortex these past few weeks, many faithful readers have written me to point out that Mark Trail himself has been popping up intermittently on the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association’s website!

Obviously the best way to to reach the kids today to make sure they don’t get frostbite is to have their favorite cartoon character (Mark Trail) drop knowledge on them via their favorite communications medium (websites). And sure, keeping kids from having to have their fingers amputated is a “good cause” or whatever, but is Mark getting a little too cozy with the government?

Mark Trail, 2/2/14

Look, Mark wants you to narc out these borer beetle characters to the Feds if you see any of them! Sure, they seem gross, but we’re not going turn snitch just on your say-so, Mark. Remember when Mark Trail used to go around punching cops in the face? Such a drag to see him sell out to the Man like this.

Hi and Lois, 2/2/14

The sad thing about the prominent product placement in this strip is that I very much doubt it’s been paid for; it’s just that the MetLife, which both flies a blimp that’s prominent at major televised sporting events and owns the naming rights to the stadium where the Super Bowl will take place, is such an integral part of today’s game that it would be strange to leave it out. In this sense, the fact that this prominent branding has invaded Hi’s very dreams seems to me to be a pointed commentary. Yes, Hi, well might you shiver: life in the post-modern mass media capitalist landscape is chilly indeed.

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Beetle Bailey, 2/1/14

Ha ha, isn’t this an enjoyable image? Two digestive systems, a man’s and a dog’s, growling with animal rage, and eventually bursting forth on their own terrible volition, blood and gore everywhere, grappling with each other, still connected to the man and the dog by a trail of steaming viscera. From the creators of the foulest Japanese horror manga? Or from one of America’s best-loved whimsical newspaper comics?

Better Half, 2/1/14

This one’s probably more disturbing, though? First off, nobody finds CPR erotic, despite it being an opportunity for meet-cute and/or gay panic in a thousand movies and TV shows. Second, you shouldn’t do CPR on a cat. Third, AUGH AUGH AUGH THE LIPS THE CAT’S LIPS GROOOOSSSSS

Blondie, 2/1/14

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Bumsteads’ finances are in the process of imploding, and Blondie does not want to know about it.

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Hey all, your comments of the week momentarily, but first a gentle reminder about these programming notes, OK? OK! Now let’s get to the top comment:

“I love the way he stands there with the toilet gloves on, after having just used them to clean out the bowl, casually crossing his arms across his chest and the shirt he will wear for the rest of his senior year.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

And the hilarious runners up!

“Wait, there’s actually a drawing of the fawn. Isn’t that a violation of whatever ‘Under no circumstances will we draw what the characters are talking about’ Dogme95 principles that Apartment 3-G operates under?” –matt w

“If Tom Batiuk would just stay true to his pun-loving self, he’d have had Les say in the last panel, ‘Sounds like a blast.’ C’mon, Tom! Get with it!” –Larry McAwful

“Man, I stop reading Apartment 3-G for just six years, and they change everything on me. I mean, Tommie got a haircut? What the hell?” –Captain Thunder

“Maybe, for the sake of comfort, sanity, and the health of their knees, they shouldn’t have their car seats pushed as far forward as they can possibly go for the whole trip. Just getting out of that baby pink Malibu Stacy dream buggy will make them feel 20 years younger.” –Joe Blevins

“But apart from the felony assault, it’s smooooooth sailing to the playdowns for Milford.” –Chyron HR

Rex Morgan: “As Buck proceeds toward enlightenment through humiliation and mortification of the flesh, the Anja Chakra becomes more prominent — soon a literal third eye will open on his forehead where the nail entered and he will transcend this plane of existence. If only Rex were qualified to study the process, the secrets of the pineal gland could be his!” –Master Softheart

“Man, I feel for Mommy and Kid. Later, when they’re feeling better about the whole situation, they’ll realize they will forever associate the Bum Boat with this depressing conversation and never be able to go there again. As opposed to most of the citizens of Santa Royale, who avoid the Bum Boat because that’s where Mary hangs out. Also, I have a feeling the clam strips are just awful.” –Lily Sincere

“Boy, the word ‘interesting’ is is sure being downgraded today. A bird with something on its leg? INTERESTING! A man is a taxidermist? INTERESTING! Rusty’s eyes go jet-black when he mentions that Mark is writing a new story? INTE–no wait, TERRIFYING!” –pugfuggly

“I like to think that, as the mother dissolves into tears in panel two, the two Big Mouth Billy Bass fixtures The Bum Boat’s restaurant manager has injudiciously placed right next to one another began singing ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ and ‘Take Me To The River’ in horrifying cacophonous unison, a perfect reflection of the mother’s divided mind: should she put her husband behind her without a second thought, or throw herself into the conveniently-located sea that has tempted so many other Bum Boat patrons?” –Doug Wykstra

“I like to think that someone left out an ellipsis in Margo’s last word balloon: ‘You win … this time.’ Revenge, like venison, is a dish best served cold.” –Pozzo

“Of course the reporter lady is not interested in the oldest existing copy of ‘The Song of Roland.’ That doesn’t mean that the Phantom couldn’t take a tip from Jughaid and really sell the second panel of the strip. While saying ‘This is the tenth! The oldest of all!’ he needs to swing his arm over his head, his cowl and mask need to fly in the air, and his tongue needs to loll out. A bow tie wouldn’t hurt either. C’mon, give her a little Ghost Who Razzle-Dazzles.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Tommie not only thinks she’s a mother, she thinks she’s a mother kangaroo! At least all the fawn poop ends up in one place this way.” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“The woman in the third panel (I haven’t got the slightest idea of her name and have no desire to know) seems shocked to find herself in the territory of discount wine distributors. It would ruin my vacation.” –nescio

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.