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Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/15/24

Welp, I guess we’ve finally wrung all the narrative content we can out of Rene getting extremely injured and also involuntarily reunited with his beloved hated family, so it’s time for a … thrilling new adventure! The last storyline didn’t get into medical stuff too much (other than the aforementioned terrible injury at the end), so I’m excited to see that this strip has the guts to tackle the important question of whether microwave ovens beam CIA mind control rays into your brain to keep you subdued and compliant. You should be heating that coffee up over an open fire like our primitive ancestors did, Count! Or at least wear your tinfoil skullshield!

Shoe 2/15/24

The Perfesser is, of course, very depressed, possibly the most depressed out of all the depressed bird-men of Shoe. It’s particularly sad that the only way he can feel pleasure anymore is to taunt someone else who’s feeling down. Look at his face in that first panel! “Oh, is someone nearby sad for a specific reason, rather than just suffocating under the crushing weight of generalized ennui? Well, do I have a bon mot for him!”

Mary Worth, 2/15/24

Speaking of depression, this is a pretty grim look at Keith’s inner life right now. He used to be a guy with a family, who earned fun meals like pizza and root beer! Now he’s alone again, and all he deserves is bacon, eggs, and black coffee. Also Mary’s about to show up at his door, and that’s not going to help.

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Arctic Circle, 2/14/24

Arctic Circle is usually a strip about climate change and other environmental issues, but on this special day of St. Valentine, it boldly poses the question: Could a human who is horny for penguins and a penguin horny for people find love, on an app? And could their hybrid children carry penguin DNA into a future in which the ice caps have all melted and full-blooded penguins go extinct? Let’s carry this beautiful dream into 2024!

Blondie, 2/14/24

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be “cute” but all I can experience is utter revulsion at what the consistency of that steak sauce must be in order for it to hold its shape like that. It’s like fucking toothpaste, the nastiest toothpaste you’ve ever seen. I know Dagwood’s appetites are born in the darkest nightmares of our subconscious, but this is too much even this strip.

Mary Worth, 2/14/24

Most of today’s strips were supposed to be “fun” “romantic” Valentine’s Day strips, and Arctic Circle and Blondie were honestly the best of the lot. (Not one but two strips did jokes about male praying mantises dipping their heads in chocolate so their lovers would enjoy eating them, after sex.) But only Mary Worth dares to look at the dark side of romance on this day, and tells us that sometimes you think a girl is your long-lost daughter and so you rekindle your sexual relationship with her mom but then you find out the kid isn’t yours and so you gradually start fading out and eventually ghost her. That’s why this strip is #1! Read and learn, losers!

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Pluggers, 2/13/24

Wow, I feel like the backstory that lead up to today’s Pluggers is even grimmer than usual. Chicken-lady is thrusting this inoffensive but uninspiring plate at her husband, her facial expression seemingly indicating that she’s drunk or angry or confused or maybe all three, belligerently telling him he can shove it up his ass if he doesn’t like it; dog-man’s eyes are wide with shock, as he gingerly reaches out to grab the plate before she erupts. The way they’re both standing in the middle of this room implies that he’s going to take the plate somewhere else, as they retreat to different corners of the house to have dinner in wounded silence. Take it or leave it! Ha ha!

Shoe, 2/13/24

A fun fact is that Shoe and Pluggers were created by Jeff MacNelly, who worked for much of his career at the Chicago Tribune, so I guess it makes sense that Shoe would be a Cubs fan, even though we’ve seen no evidence that sleepy Treetops is a bird-world analogue of Chicago or that baseball even exists in the bird-ruled Shoeniverse. This also just could be something the doctor is saying passive-aggressively, though; if he doesn’t have the nerve to tell Shoe not to smoke cigars in his office, he definitely doesn’t have the nerve to tell him that his high blood pressure has been caused by all those cigars he smokes constantly.