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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/26/13

Oh, look, Cuzzin Zeldy has arrived in Hootin’ Holler! Her brand of pagan spiritualism may provide a welcome alternative to Parson Tuttle and his desperate, fraudulent promises. Her first attempt to transform the theological world of the townsfolk involves informing them that chickens and other animals killed for their meat have immortal souls, and will vengefully haunt those who murdered/ate them. Could be awkward!

Spider-Man, 6/26/13

I’ve never really doubted J. Jonah Jameson’s journalistic instincts before. I’ve had plenty of questions about his journalistic ethics, sure, obviously, but I always assumed the guy knows what sells. But if people won’t buy your tabloid when the front cover features a sugar-crazed mob angrily wielding candy bars and screaming for the blood of a mayor who’s deep in the pocket of Big Public Health, maybe print is dead.

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Mary Worth, 6/25/13

Ha, I bet you thought that once Beth and Tom had admitted to Elinor that they were totally in heterosexual love and planned to get married and Elinor miraculously came around to the point of view that Beth shouldn’t live a solitary, unhappy life for the rest of her days, all the conflict in this plot was over and we could move onto something more interesting, with that something to be introduced during a pool party. WELL I GUESS YOU THOUGHT WRONG, DIDN’T YOU?? Here we are and we’re still paying attention to these three mopes! What dramatic conflicts remain for our protagonists? Will Beth’s gratitude for Mary’s intervention transform into adoration and then into obsession? Will she manage to alienate both Elinor and Tom with her incessant Mary-worship? Will Mary’s beatific face appear in a floating picture-thought-bubble in at least one panel of every strip for the remainder of this storyline? Let’s hope!

Spider-Man, 6/25/13

I think we can all agree that “Irony, anyone?” is pretty much the greatest Newspaper Spider-Man narration box ever. It will be harder to come to a consensus as to which panel represents the ultimate Newspaper Spider-Man image: Spidey gazing forlornly into his empty wallet, or Spidey rubbing the back of his head and staring dumbly off into the middle distance.

Mark Trail, 6/25/13

Baker’s been here for two days. Has he seen anything? Stay tuned to find out!

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Heathcliff, 6/24/13

It appears that Heathcliff has entered its Large Labels In Block Lettering phase, to the delight/confusion of comics fans everywhere. The first entry in the genre, in which Heathcliff pledged allegiance to cake, was at least straightforward: Heathcliff really liked cake, you see, and wanted to let people know, in flag form. Today we move further into avante-garde territory. Heathcliff, who is not in a context where he might be expected to play football, is wearing a football helmet, which has “HAM” written across the front of it in very large visible type. Is this meant to indicate, in a somewhat on-the-nose fashion, that he is on “Team Ham,” in terms of the eternal rivalry for esteem among the various meat products? If so, why does our flesh merchant advise his customer against purchasing ham? Is he irritated by Heathcliff’s endless ham cheerleading, and is being contrary out of spite? Or is Heathcliff wearing a helmet not just symbolically, but because he intends to instigate real violence, of the sort that might result in a head injury, to anyone who attempts to take any of the precious, precious ham out of the butcher’s shop?

Spider-Man, 6/24/13

Oops, sorry everybody, Spider-Man’s exciting rescue mission to Central America is on hold! Don’t worry, even more spine-chilling thrills are on the way: Spider-Man waits on hold with his credit card company for 45 minutes, Spider-Man has a petulant argument with the hotel management about their security procedures, Spider-Man stands in line to get a rush replacement for his passport and has to make awkward small talk with the guy next to him who’s hinting with increasing lack of subtlety that his upcoming trip to Thailand is for sex tourism, etc.