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Blondie, 5/5/13

Having supernatural beings of various ethical alignments battling for control of your actions (and, by extension, your soul) is an old comics trope, but usually these spirits are matched, good against evil. Poor Dagwood only has his own moral resources to draw upon in the battle against sinful sloth, and the results are predictable. In related news, if the sight of a Dagwood-headed jazz-handing actual demon doesn’t haunt your dreams for weeks, you are made of stronger stuff than I am, my friend.

Judge Parker, 5/5/13

“Abbey … what if he’s dead? What will happen to my money? Could I … lose … my money? Is it even possible for the verb ‘lose’ to have ‘my money’ as an object? This is all so terrifying for me!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/4/13

Oh, man, Darrin’s bio-dad is just not going to give up on his mission of assholery, is he? I have literally no idea what he thinks is going to happen if he goes public with the knowledge that Dead Lisa had sex as a teenager and had a kid and gave it up for adoption. Will the Westview citizenry gather in the town square and ritually burn all copies of Lisa’s Story, as is the accepted fate for Whore Literature? Fools, they already bought the books, and Les already got paid! You bought the book too, Darrin-bio-dad! You bought it in hardcover!

Mary Worth, 5/4/13

Haha, awesome first date strategy, Tom. “I know how to eat better! I just didn’t bother because I didn’t care if I lived or died! I wanted to commit suicide the slowest, most passive-aggressive way possible. But after one trip to the grocery store, one awkward dinner with your mom and some random old lady in our apartment building, and 10 minutes of orange food prep, I know I want to live! You’re the only one keeping me alive, Beth! NEVER LEAVE THIS ROOM OR I’LL KILL MYSELF WITH A VEGETABLE PEELER I SWEAR TO GOD”

Herb and Jamaal, 5/4/13

Herb’s mother-in-law lives with his family and works at the soul food restaurant he runs with Jamaal, but we don’t really know much about her social life. Did she always live in this town, or did she uproot herself from her social networks to come here? Does she have a circle of friends her own age that she spends time with? Are they the ones that she apparently got hella drunk with last night?

Spider-Man, 5/4/13

I mean, we’re all imagining Kingpin speaking in a gravelly, menacing voice, dramatically stretched out over two panels, right? “Now, and only now, it’s time — to awaken Spider-Man! …in the dullest, most pedestrian way possible, by splashing him with water out of a mid-sized Rubbermaid container. HAHA, I was soaking my sore feet in this all afternoon, the water is totally gross! Take that, wall-crawler!”

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Your comment of the week: Enjoy it!

“Not only does Kingpin hold the patent on the world’s coolest TV-anywhere-and-everywhere system, but he also owns the mind-control gas to make people watch it. COMCAST, do you read this comic strip? Behold, the new President of NBC!” –seismic-2

And your runners up: Enjoy them!

‘We have a confirmed maternal situation on our hands’ is probably the most Rex reaction to a pregnancy I can imagine. Did this strip ever show him proposing? ‘June: we share a similar degree of physical attractiveness and biological maturity. Would you not agree that it is time to formalize our romantic arrangement in a manner recognized by the state? Please respond within a timely manner.'” –pugfuggly

‘And how long did you study?’ asked the heavy-lidded Jughead, in his usual half-hearted tone. He very clearly didn’t care, but it was the question Archie had been waiting for. His time had finally come. His moment was now. The ambient noise outside the popular Lasagna Hardware store simply ceased. It was as though the universe melted away, leaving only Archie, his shite-eating expression, and his terrible pun. ‘About five … minuets.’ Finally. Now Archie could die, here, in this empty void, where he would finally have some peace.” –Roto13

The first thing I’m going to do is look for my dad, John Darling. I know we were talking about getting shelter for your grandbaby, but before I find a place to live and make my life with my husband, we’re going to find this man that I’ve brought up apropos of nothing. Segue? No thank you, I prefer to walk.” –bunivasal

“Mock the Kingpin’s Hypno-Gas all you want. It has done wonders for Daredevil’s posture.” –Everything Is Better with Monkeys

“The aesthetic behind feet photos is showing that the person was there, was present. Not exactly in the moment, since you’re taking the time to take a selfie of sorts, but proof that you were there. Like that time someone changed your clothes after you thoroughly shit yourself.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Today Crock manages to pass the Bechdel test. Spiteful put-downs count, right?” –Emma J

“Kingpin has missed one opportunity after another to kill Spider-Man and Daredevil, and his excuses are becoming progressively less plausible. I conclude that his plan is not to kill them, but to make them his guests at a surprise birthday party for his henchman. He knows that Henchy McSunglasses is a huge SM/DD fan, so the three of them arranged the whole thing beforehand. Kingpin is totally earning that World’s Greatest Boss mug!” –Steve

“Forget Facebook, Marvin — you should be posting pictures like that to your Shitter account.” –NoahSnark

“I still hope I die as soon as possible; I just wish I were aready older.” –Doctor Handsome

“Normally, I would abstain from commenting on Ziggy. What good could ever become of such an endeavor, right?” –tallyHo

“So instead of ‘car explosion’ they meant ‘victim of a tragic corset accident?’ Right? Because oh my god look at her waist. Good thing she lives on the moon, because clearly she does not need to breathe.” –Holly Folly

“Are Darrin and Jess smirking, which seems likely in this strip, or do they combine to make one whole, almost human smile?” –bemibet

“When Shelly becomes nervous, she farts. Of course, being a refined lady, the farts come out as wafts of strawberry-scented cotton candy.” –Perky Bird

“Sam’s disappointment in Sophie is evident on his face. This isn’t the way he raised her. The Parker way of expressing displeasure with traffic conditions doesn’t involve shouting at one’s fellow drivers. It involves a helicopter ferry or, if economic times are tough, building a private closed-access highway.” –Voshkod

“Nothing says New York sophistication like a novelty outsized driver’s license, so Ted West should be all right!” –NonnyMus

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