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Greetings, humans! Are you ready for this week’s top comment? Here it is!

“You know why pornos almost never end with the guy just losing his erection and sheepishly meandering off to the beach? This is why.” –Cloudbuster

And the runners up! Very funny!

“‘Mr. Catfish wouldn’t let me get any pictures of Rod’s equipment inside their van!’ OK, now you’re just trolling us, Rusty.” –cisko

“Nothing says you understand the dangers of the Internet like shuffling a stack of papers.” –NoahSnark

“Considering the condo lifestyle? Look no further than scenic Charterstone, where you never have to make your own meals! Stay in your own apartment and keep to yourself, and unofficial ‘welcome wagon’ greeter Mary Worth will force her famous coagulated soup on you! Come to her apartment for a visit, and Mary will insist you try one of her baked potatoes, which you must hold in your hand and eat like an apple! Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?” –Cassandra Cat’s Lawyer

“Thanks to the link, I can see that Margo’s parents are still wearing their overcoats. What kind of people never take off their overcoats? Flashers! Why spend time worrying about Margo when you can go out and be part of a geriatric flasher tag-team?” –nescio

“See, the puppy is looking in from outside, because animals are the ones who are truly free, and we’re the pets, man! We’re all in a pet store of our own maki… okay, I think I figured out what’s in Heathcliff’s pipe.” –Dan

“But you’re reading a print newspaper, and I’m watching a cathode ray television! How is anyone getting more timely information than us?!” –Doctor Handsome

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Blondie, 3/1/13

I’m not exactly sure what inside economic information would prompt you to abruptly sell your house. Maybe another housing bubble is going to burst and the neighbors realize they need to get whatever equity they can out of their home now? Maybe total economic and societal collapse is just around the corner and the neighbors know that the suburbs will become violent kill zones as desperate ad hoc gangs forage for food and fuel, so they’re retreating to their heavily fortified countryside bunker? But honestly, if I found out my new neighbors were leaving the neighborhood after six months, I’m not sure that “secret information about the economy” would be really high on my list of suspected reasons why. Hey, Dagwood, have you ever considered that maybe they’re trying to get away from you? That they just can’t handle the omnipresent stench of pastrami and laziness that oozes out of your house and permeates the whole subdivision?

Mary Worth, 3/1/13

An older woman arrives at a young man’s apartment, bearing an enormous bowl of soup. She is resplendent in a purple blazer; he’s in a tatty green robe, unshaven, disheveled, and ill with fever and a phlegmy cough. “Would you like to come in?” he asks. “I’d like that,” she says aloud, and then thinks “Maybe I could help you with more than your cold.” There really is pornography for just about every sexual taste you can imagine.

Luann, 3/1/13

Good news, everybody! We know that Luann isn’t doing anything online that’s “scary” and that should make her parents “concerned”. We know this because Tiffany needled her at school all week about Luann “flirting” with Quill on Skype (HOW DARE TEENAGERS FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER WHAT WHORES) and Luann got really upset about it, which is a sign that she isn’t doing any nasty soul-besmirching flirting, I guess? Anyway, all’s well that ends well, now that Luann is back home opening up to her parents about her emotional life! The whole thing makes her dad want to drown himself.

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Heathcliff, 2/28/13

Well, isn’t this a surreal delight! I have no idea what exactly is happening here, if any “thing” can truly be said to be “happening” in such a nonlinear dreamscape. “Hold it right there, Professor,” the strangely well dressed pet store clerk bellows, as a flock of oddly identical birds arises in precise formation from Heathcliff’s pipe. Why attempt to impose some kind of dull linear “meaning” on this episode at all? Why not just enjoy it in all its trippy nonsense?

Gasoline Alley, 2/28/13

Meanwhile, in Gasoline Alley, beloved rustic Rufus is still planning on marrying a donkey, for money. They’re … they’re really doing this, huh? I would have though they’d have stopped doing this by now.

Marvin, 2/28/13

You know, before today I would’ve said that Marvin had pretty thoroughly explored the dramatic and comedic possibilities of feces, but I hadn’t even dreamed of the concept of revenge-shitting.