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Herb and Jamaal, 4/13/13

The only thing Herb and Jamaal loves more than eschewing concrete nouns is rerunning the exact same joke every few years, so you’d think the last thing it would do would be to make a joke about a very specific television program that aired only a couple of weeks before the strip was published. I guess a mildly accurate recounting of the Bible from the same cable channel that brought you Ancient Aliens generates enough excitement to break longstanding strip traditions! Anyway, obviously Hip Young Reverend Whose Name I Forget is referring to the actual Bible in the punchline, but wouldn’t it be a bazillion times funnier if he were talking about this, which is a real thing that exists?

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/13

Oh, man, New York’s hot, devil-may-care governor is so intensely interested in having sex with Lu Ann Lu Ann’s art-classes-for-veterans’-kids charity that he isn’t even bothering to talk to anyone else at this party. This quickly establishes his personality (i.e., we now know he has sent a non-negligible number of pictures of his penis to lady constituents via various electronic communications platforms) and also saves the strip artist from the terrifying prospect of drawing a crowd scene.

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The weekend is here, and with it, your comment of the week!

“Cayla’s face demonstrating how much she is enjoying the fruits of Lisa’s death is the very heart and soul of the strip.” –Jack Scat

And the hilarious runners up!

“If Shelley doesn’t like the outdoors now, I have a feeling she may hate the outdoors by the time this camping trip [cue ominous music] is over.” –Poteet

“I compliment Slick Smitty for his sheer ballsiness. When making a sales call with carnivores, he dresses in a meat colored suit.” –Hogenmogen

“Mary, please give Wilbur his advice column back. When did he return from his trip, six months ago? Alone he sits, eating mayonnaise straight out of the jar and perusing Kite Action magazine. You monster.” –KreatureFeatures

“If I don’t slow down, my heart is going to explode! In fact, it might cause a BOOM on the market! Hah hah, no seriously I will die.” –Notebooked

“So, Mark, I’d like you to take Shelly on a tour of Lost Forest. Teach her that the forest is peaceful and has nothing for her to fear. Maybe start with a tour of the places that your hideous ward was either kidnapped or shot at from above. Show her the drug fields and the famous skeleton tree. Then maybe after a hearty pancake lunch you can show her Cherry’s giant beaver. That should all help her see what she’s been missing.” –Mikey

“The cardiologist ran no tests but pronounced his patient a ‘time bomb’? Seems legit. Rex asks the first man he sees to remove his shirt? Of course. Rex’s nurse giving the guy a hot cup of coffee right before an EKG? Sorry, that ‘ping”’was my suspension of disbeief snapping.” –Ed Dravecky

“I remain deeply suspicious of time-traveling Harry Truman’s motives in this particular Mark Trail plotline. I can’t tell you how, but I’m quite sure that it will develop that Cherry and Shelley’s presence in the woods will result in an attempt on Gov. Thomas Dewey’s life.” –Crankenstank

“Kingpin must have spent a fortune on that funky retro-sci-fi floating video monitor, so he can Skype with his mind-control victim: The blind guy.” –Doctor Handsome

“Telling your girlfriend what to wear/ Is boorish and intrusive/ You can’t write poetry for shit/ And you’re quite possibly abusive” –Mustang

“‘Hey, did you see that, Bob?’ ‘What, Bill?’ ‘That floating, bobbing television with the commanding visage of a fat man? You know, the one following that guy dressed in a red costume around?’ ‘Huh. Well, that’s New York for ya.’ ‘Aren’t we in San Francisco?’ ‘Hell if I know, Bill. The art looks the same, and they never draw the weather.'” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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B.C., 4/12/13

Poetry is in essence an auditory medium, meant to be heard, and if that means that sometimes you have to sacrifice ease of comprehension to euphony, so be it! In unrelated news, the poem that Wiley is writing in today’s B.C. is confusing and also sounds stupid when you read it aloud. Anyway, ladies, don’t look get all uppity and dress too sexy at the gym, or you’re a whore who’ll lose your boyfriend, I guess? You don’t want to lose your boyfriend! He sounds like a real prize, what with all his opinions about your sexy gymwear.

Shoe, 4/12/13

See, because “carbon footprint” is a thing, but what if it were … carbon buttprint, eh? Wouldn’t that be funnier? Because of butts? I actually am enjoying Shoe’s violent temper tantrum, so it pains me to point out that any joke about “carbon buttprints” that doesn’t involve farts is garbage.

Spider-Man, 4/12/13

Kingpin is a busy CEO who doesn’t have time to travel to every dark alley in the city to personally taunt every superhero dosed with his terrifying mind-control gas. That’s why he turned to Cisco’s range of innovative telepresence solutions! Cisco’s Autonomous Hovering TerrorScreen® will navigate city streets along with your henchmen, beaming video and audio over encrypted private networks to your office/lair. You’ll be able to issue commands to your new willing slave and then get back to managing the rest of your diverse enterprise — all without stepping outside. Cisco: Tomorrow Starts Here™!

Funky Winkerbean, 4/12/13

Ha ha, Les got a big check because his sad book about his dead wife is going to be turned into a movie on basic cable, and then he got a boner! This plot is already so much more traumatizing than I could have possibly imagined.