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Heathcliff, 1/18/13

I am seriously puzzled about just what exactly Heathcliff’s puppet-thing is supposed to be. The holes (or are they just black dots?) and the general shape and the proximity to mice remind me of a stereotypical wedge of cartoon Swiss cheese that the colorists have misjudged into greenness. But perhaps not? Maybe it’s some sort of weird makeshift sponge-puppet? I’m a little resentful about the ambiguity, because it’s distracting me from the delightful main point of the strip, which is that Heathcliff rules the local mice as a brutal dictator, demanding not just that they obey him in deed, but that they love him, deep in their souls. Heathcliff’s second-rate ventriloquist antics are in fact an elaborate test of loyalty. The two unhappy mice in the back of the queue here will soon be reported by informers to his brutal Happiness Police.

Judge Parker, 1/18/13

Judge Parker’s seems to be on the verge of a new plot that will test the philosophical boundaries of its own fictional universe. Specifically, it will answer the question we’ve all wondered about: is there a sum of money so large that it can, when spent, actually have a noticeable effect on the balance sheet of the Spencer-Driver clan? Keep in mind that Neddy, Sam and Abbey’s daughter, is a college student, and yet today’s strip reveals that she has her own private banker. One assumes that, in order for this to even get on her parents’ radar, these “large withdrawals” involved a fleet of armored trucks guarded by elite French special forces troops.

Dick Tracy, 1/18/13

Wow, it turns out I my interpretation of Lake Freedom’s significance was all wrong! Because it turns out that underneath Lake Freedom there’s an internment camp. That’s symbolism, guys, symbolism about America, really makes you think, hmm?

Spider-Man, 1/18/13

Sometimes conventional law enforcement in the Newspaper Spider-Man world is also super-incompetent, probably mostly to make Spidey feel better about himself.

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Mark Trail, 1/17/13

So it turns out that literally everyone in this bass fishing storyline is going to have a painfully obvious name or nickname. “Let me tell you about my friend Bluegill. We started calling him that because he caught a bunch of Bluegill! A bluegill is a kind of fish, in case you’re wondering.” “Neat,” says Rusty, at a loss for any other way to respond to this incredibly banal anecdote. Later: “Bluegill, this is my ward Rusty! When I told him how you came to be called Bluegill, he said ‘Neat.'” “Well, isn’t that something? I think we’ll call you ‘Neat’ from now on, young man. How’d you like that nickname, Neat?” “But ‘Rusty’ is already a nickname! My real name is–” “Hush now, Neat, you’re scaring the fish with all your jibber jabber.”

Momma, 1/17/13

“Haha, yes, we’ve all had some good fun with the cross-generational misunderstanding of technological terminology, but Francis really is passed out on the sofa in parlor. I think he’s drunk, or maybe dead?”

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Mark Trail, 1/16/13

I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to laugh at however Mark weasels out of fishing with Rusty this time, but for now I just want to point out that our intrepid journalist plans to interview a superstar bass fisherman whose name is literally “Rod Bassy.” Get it, because you use a fishing “rod” catch “bass”? This is absurdly on the nose, even for this strip, and I look forward to future characters named Art Smugglerish, Beard Villain, and Corrupt Bald Politician Who Wants To Harm The Environment Somehow.

Gil Thorp, 1/16/13

How can Gil complain that the Thorps need to get a life when they already do fun stuff like have their own private ’80s parties at home on weekends? At least, I’m assuming that’s what’s going on, because Mimi is wearing leg warmers in panel two; she has to be doing it for the nostalgia value, because how could her legs be anything but toasty warm with that out-of-control fire blazing eight inches away from them?

Spider-Man, 1/16/13

“Because that’s what people do in mental hospitals, right? Fill out puzzle books? No? Um, ok, how about: You should be connecting the dots — in kindergarten, after I send you back … to … journalist kindergarten? Damn it damn it damn it, let’s start this whole thing over.”