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Spider-Man, 12/15/12

This strip raises a lot of questions, from the philosophical — Can a trained chimp be held liable for a crime? — to the narrative-related — How did Peter make the leap from “these chimps have been stealing things for Kraven” to “these chimps each have specialties, and Moe’s is jewel-thievery?” Still, I’m pretty excited at the prospect of Spidey engaging in a battle of wits with a non-human primate, since it’ll almost certainly end with his humiliation.

Crankshaft, 12/15/12

Look, I’m not a proponent of violence, but Crankshaft is history’s greatest monster, who’s been nothing but mean to all the children of Westview his whole life. If you manage to get at point-blank range with a canister of pepper spray, I say take your chance.

Apartment 3-G, 12/15/12

Haha, I mean obviously the only reason Margo tried to get a Christmas party going with her roommates is because her boyfriend was busy, I’m not sure why this was ever in question. Look at Lu Ann and Tommie’s little smiles. “Oh, that Margo! She doesn’t care about us at all, unless she’s lonely!”

Dick Tracy, 12/15/12

What’s Dick Tracy doing on this fine Saturday? Oh, you know, just making some chili with extra cumin and singing Chumbawamba, like you do.

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Ugh, not much funny stuff in me right now for obvious reasons. Still, I hope the top comments from this silly and supportive community can make people feel a little better tonight. The top comment!

“While other papers may use the word ‘obituaries,’ the Plugger Gazette knows that is readers have no time or patience for such highfalutin’, college-boy nonsense. Besides, the more concise ‘OBITS’ allows them to print the page header in a bigger font, because if there’s one thing pluggers like better than contemplating their own mortality, it’s large type.” –wonkeythemonkey

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Can we prove with absolute certainty that Margo’s arm is actually attached to her body in panel two and is not a dummy arm she’s carrying around and wiggling in Evan’s face?” –sporknpork

“I read today’s Hi & Lois three times before I realized that Dawg doesn’t want the daily newspaper to stop publishing because he wants to fetch it. Dawg’s need for exercise notwithstanding, this strip’s unmistakable doggist-oppressive attitude is why the printed daily newspaper is in trouble today.” –Comcis Fan

“I’ll bet that pier smells strongly of Old Spice and rough trade.” –Ned Ryerson

“Bow-tie with plaid jacket, heavy rimmed glasses, green pastel frock and fake pearls, dressing their kid like Mr Pink to go eat somewhere with mismatched thrift-store tableware. Are the Mitchells … hipsters?” –Fats Pinto

“Someday Gunther will be mildly interesting for three weeks on Project Runway.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I like how this storyline has spent approximately 30 seconds on Rex begrudgingly saving the life of an old woman and hours upon hours of June in her bathing suit hanging out with a trio of strippers. The artist knows my tastes! Here’s hoping June’s hitherto-unpictured scandalous bathing suit makes an appearance at some sort of cancer fund charity strip-off. That’s how people pay for cancer treatments, right? Stripper avalanches?” –Dr. P and the Women

“When you think of evil comic strip characters, the Wizard of Id is the first that comes to mind. Whose moments of quiet reflection are not disturbed by the memory of that time the Wizard responded unenthusiastically to something his wife said?” –Spunde

“Didn’t I tell you, Margo? Marvin and I have joined the Wizard in rejecting the Triune godhead.” –Pozzo

“I’m actually more impressed with Margo’s dismissive ‘I should have guessed, Tommie.’ Yes, Tommie, it’s a given that you’re a simp who will sub for the nurses so that they can see their family and friends on holidays, as you have neither. I only extended the invitation to you as a courtesy, which is now balanced by my overtly rude remark about what I really think of you. Now, Lu Ann, the key to a great party is to have a blonde chick drunk and dancing by herself waaay too early in the evening. I have only one question: Do you have what it takes??” –hogenmogen

“Two clean-cut white people in white shirts in a sterile tiled kitchen bereft of any signs of actual food. In a thousand years, when the Smithsonian does an exhibit on life in the 21st century, this is going to be the diorama they use for ‘American WASP.'” –pugfuggly

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Momma, 12/14/12

I was trying to figure out a “Francis is secretly blowing people for money down at the bus station” joke here, but then decided that wouldn’t be true to his character. Not because he’s unshakably heterosexual or anything, but because he’s notoriously lazy. Francis doesn’t do anything with the word the “job” in it, and fellatio takes a dedication to craft and an interest in other people that he’s simply never demonstrated.

Pluggers, 12/14/12

The first rule of senior plugger fight club is: you do not talk about senior plugger fight club, because the details are all hazy, because of the encroaching senility.

Judge Parker, 12/14/12

“When I married your father, and you were 12 and I was 15, I thought, ‘I can’t wait to see that young man walk down the aisle.’ That isn’t creepy at all!”