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Sorry, everybody who was hoping that the Mayan Apocalypse would descend today and end all your troubles: it didn’t! You have to endure your existence for who knows how much longer, and also endure my jokes for another couple of days, then I’ll take off for Christmas, then come back just after the New Year, and the cycle will continue ad infinitum. But if the world had ended today, you wouldn’t be able enjoy this comment of the week!

“If this Mary Worth storyline doesn’t feature a Rocky-style cake-decorating training montage, I’m going to start a class-action lawsuit.” –commodorejohn

Nor would you have the experience of reading these very funny runners up!

“Kudos to the A3G colorist for cleverly simulating the effect of viewing the strip through a bottle of urine.” –Cayuga

“That Herb and Jamaal just ruined my day. I know that is the goal of the strip, and they usually come close, but this one knocked it out of the park. I’m going back to bed.” –Lowell

“FAX MACHINES: The fast, modern way to connect!” –Doctor Handsome

“Does anyone think this guy wants to be a professional cake designer for any other reason than to lure children to his home?” –nescio

“I like how the three people in the background of the first panel seem to have never seen a cake before. ‘No … no, wait. It’s a … circular horse picture done in mind meltingly horrible pink? It sure is … something that someone made.'” –Tophat

Mary Worth: “It doesn’t have to be only a dream, John. It can be your worst nightmare, and I can make that happen!” –Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos

“Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection? Perhaps step on a few with your bare feet? Check out my YouTube channel!” –Chareth Cutestory

“It’s a magic hat that brings Frosty to life, right? I’m guessing he’s been a little off since he swiped this one from a boy band member in 1995.” –BigTed

“That cat in Better Half is terrifying. Just staring. Judging.” –Puzzled Pagan

“Where is Spiderman? He’s busy not stopping a trained chimpanzee for committing a crime.” –Holly Folly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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Gasoline Alley, 12/21/12

As usual, I haven’t been keeping you up on Gasoline Alley’s desultory antics, so let me just do so now very quickly: li’l Boog has been persecuted by bullies, including one nicknamed “Bear,” and they lured him out to the woods to beat the crap out of him, but then an actual bear showed up, and now we get to today where, it is revealed, Boog speaks the secret language of bears, and can command them to do his bidding. Did he learn the ursine tongue when his neglectful grandfather let a bear carry him off, years ago? Probably! But rather than satisfyingly going all 2 Kings 2:23-25 on these kids, Boog the Bearomancer just urges this vicious grizzly to make nice with his “friends”, who have been nothing but mean to him. Unless a crippling sense of shame is a crueler punishment than bloody dismemberment?

Spider-Man, 12/21/12

Do I have an unreasoning hatred of Newspaper Spider-Man? Maaayyyybe. I was all set to go on an unhinged rant about this strip’s dastardly use of “heist” as a transitive verb — a usage I had never heard before — but fortunately I looked it up first. Turns out the use of the word as a verb actually predated its use as a noun, by about 10 years! It’s a variation of “hoist,” and was first used as a slang term for shoplifting in the 1920s. So even the world’s crappiest superhero comic can still teach me things about etymologies, which are among my favorite bits of language trivia. Thanks, Newspaper Spider-Man!

Better Half, 12/21/12

Harriet’s friend is way too sleepy for sex.

B.C., 12/21/12

Having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit? Here’s a cartoon about Santa having trouble not pooping his pants!

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Wizard of Id, 12/20/12

Hey, teens, I bet you think that it’s “cool” to drink alcohol! Well, your pal Frosty is pretty hip and extreme with his backwards baseball cap and such, and he thought it would be OK to get drunk like a grown-up, and look what happened: he tore his own body apart and hurled it in gory chunks at his enemies, who presumably ran away in gibbering terror. This is what’ll happen to you if you let bad kids give you a hard lemonade at a party. Just ask for a Mountain Dew instead! You’ll thank us later!

Mary Worth, 12/20/12

The Sad Tale of Dawn’s Sadness that just concluded began way back in May, so obviously we need something wacky to cleanse our palate in its wake. But even longtime Mary Worth trufans such as myself could never have predicted how wacky things would get. Mary coaching an amateur cake designer to victory in the face of smug, sneering professionals, all in an attempt to cash in on the cake decorating TV craze of four years ago? Mary finally getting to see her many rambling philosophical diatribes transformed into pastry dioramas, wowing the world with her wisdom? YES PLEASE.

Better Half, 12/20/12

Whatever, Stanley is just going to keep on doing weird sex stuff with that remote, and he doesn’t need God or society’s approval, man.