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Crock, 1/20/13

I continue to be puzzled and irritated by the continuing existence of Crock, which, after publicly insulting me, decided to waltz off into the sunset. The official line was that new Crocks would cease on May 20, 2012, and King Features would supply “Classic Crocks” to newspapers for the next three years. Except the post-May 20 strips have looked not like classics (which I perhaps optimistically assumed meant installments from the early years of the feature) but instead pretty much like the last few years worth of strips, except not repeats, so I have no idea what their story is. Anyway, I bring this up not to harp on it endlessly, but only to suggest that maybe it’s only in this weird, ambiguous afterlife that the strip finally feels free to make a searing indictment of the practices of modern capitalism.

Family Circus, 1/20/13

I’m pretty pleased by the sight of little Jeffy stooped over under the weight of his own sadness, and since his parents always seem to hold their little redheaded son in a fair amount of contempt, I’m a little surprised they aren’t as tickled as I am by it. I’m at least assuming that their shared glance is less “What can we do to cheer him up” and more “Are you fucking kidding me?”

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Mark Trail, 1/19/13

Here’s a free tip from a semi-professional writer person (and yes, the novel is coming along, everybody!): if anyone in your story says “As you know,” you’ve failed! You’re trying to wedge in some backstory in a “natural” way, but in the real world, people don’t go around telling each other things that they both already know. Try maybe introducing this information by having a character who doesn’t know it learn about it? Or even just have it conveyed by the omniscient authorial voice — there’s no shame in that, if you do it deftly!

Usually, of course, this clumsy technique is meant to introduce some information specific to the narrative at hand, but using it for a sweeping statement like “Most fishermen are good people” takes it to another level. I actually had never even considered that fishermen were more or less likely to be good than members of the population at large until ol’ Bluegill felt like he needed to make such a big deal about it; now I’m troubled by how little we really know about these sinister boot-wearing fish-murderers. Sure, they say their flies are made of fur, feather, thread, or other such material, but do we know for sure they aren’t made from human skin? It would be irresponsible not to speculate. If we went into Bluegill’s basement, would we find horrific kill-chamber? Almost certainly!

Slylock Fox, 1/19/13

Meanwhile, Slylock Fox continues to be the sleaziest comic in the newspaper. I don’t know if spraying a consenting partner with liquid out of your nose technically falls under the sexual category of “water sports,” but the satisfied, tongue-lolling expression on this duck makes it clear that this is no innocent bath.

Gil Thorp, 1/19/13

Speaking of bird perversions, you might think based on Scott’s thrilled expression in panel three that “the peacock” is what the kids are calling penises these days. Sadly, his girlfriend is just referring to an actual, albeit maybe magical, peacock.

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Goodness, is it comment of the week time already? Yes, yes it is.

“I have often wished I could produce an exclamation point in a balloon over my head. This is, in fact, Spider-man’s only actual superpower.” –Crankenstank

Also time for the runners up!

“I can’t wait to see Mary’s expression when he reveals his plan: a 5 foot tall cake crafted perfectly in her image, wearing nothing but a few well-placed fig leaves. ‘That’s the nature’ part, he’ll explain, his eyes intense but emotionless.” –pugfuggly

“You hope the ceiling is lead-lined? Trust me, it’s not. This is the Funkyverse! Think ‘asbestos.'” –sporknpork

“I think I know how this storyline of Mary Worth ends. Mary and John stand in the kitchen, pistols in hand, aiming at each other over a range of about six feet (Mary is, of course, holding her pistol gangster-style, like a proper lady). The kitchen is covered with dirty mixing bowls, frosting litters the walls. Their clothes are white with flour and powdered sugar. Their fingers twitch on the triggers. Mary narrows her eyes. A dove coos softly from the windowsill. And then the oven timer rings.” –Voshkod

“I think the last panel of Gil looking introspective and in deep thought would be awesome without the dialogue bubble; he’s got that ‘thinking man pose atop a throne of skulls in Hell’ look about him that would be awesome to airbrush onto the side of a van.” –Jon the Red

“If slumping on a couch drinking wine counts as ‘working,’ then I really need to rethink my understanding of this country’s unemployment crisis.” –Legend of the Arctic

“This is my ward, Rusty. We call him ‘Rusty’ because of the specific way he repeatedly injures himself, and ‘Tetanus Shot’ was too long.” –Sock Puppet

MW: “I have never before seen anyone pick up a cake by simply sticking one’s hand underneath it and lifting it up whole, and I have never before seen anyone pick up a freshly baked and steaming anything without a pot holder or an oven mitt. But then, I have never before seen a cake made out of meat, either. Ah, the beauty of nature!” –seismic-2

“How’s my favorite guide? Are you still leading gullible tourists from the city out into the middle of nowhere where you can kill and rob them?” –Liam

“I like it that they call dumping dissidents in a lake an ‘interment camp.'” –Comrade Denny

“What really gets me is that Sam is looking at crudely-sketched pictures of windows, intently trying to determine what they are. When he lays his eyes on a crudely-sketched picture of whatever Neddy bought, it will surely drive him into madness.” –Ben Ferber

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