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You ever have a day where your goals and ambitions do not match up with your motivation or abilities? Today was such a day for me, my friends. But at least I managed to get this comment of the week post together, and share the week’s best comment with you!

“NOO! THOSE WERE SUGAR-BASED KEYS!” –Dan

And the runners up! Very funny!

“‘I’m nervous in case someone makes a cake that isn’t a shallow cylinder covered in pink icing!’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Well, like, supposing someone decided to represent nature’s beauty by using green icing, or even making a cake shaped like a tree or something?’ ‘Oh, I’m sure if anyone did that they’d be disqualified for not making a proper cake.'” –Horace Broon

“Well, now we know how terrible a Shoe punchline has to be before the characters can’t even be bothered with the Goggle Eyes of Horror.” –Daniel

“Overall, I think you have to grant that the depiction of avian life in Shoe is at least as realistic as the way teenagers are portrayed in Luann.” –cheech wizard

“Maybe Crank considers it a waste of time because he plans on driving his bus through George’s basement at 7:45 the next day? ‘Thanks, George, for letting me scope the place. In 12 hours, you’ll have nothing but matchsticks and tears.'” –Hogenmogen

“‘Cell’ isn’t short for ‘cellular phone’ here, guys. She’s calling Archie’s place of imprisonment. The beeps tell her his phone-activated shock collar is still functioning, still keeping him down there on the floor like the animal he is.” –Doctor Handsome

“I don’t know too much about graveyard management, but one thing I do know is that if you have a dead body with an abnormally large arm bone, you should prop it up vertically very close to a mausoleum door. That way anyone who opens the door will knock it over and get spooked out. (This post started out sarcastic, then secretly turned into a good idea.)” –Chareth Cutestory

“If John drops dead of a heart attack as he tries to lift the cake and then Mary delivers a whole week of inspirational platitudes at his funeral, I will forgive everything that has happened in this strip for the past three years.” –Poteet

“I sure hope John’s all-pink nightmare cake tribute to Mrs. Butterworth and/or Mary Worth wins him enough money to get the counseling he so desperately needs.” –Ed Dravecky

” Man, that felt good! I should havetightened the crotch on these pants years ago!” –Oregonian

“I’ll never forget the scene when Cameron Diaz came back from the dead in There’s Nothing Natural About Mary.” –Lenoxus

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Mary Worth, 2/1/13

OK, you knew and I knew that John Dill was going to get weird about Mary at some point in this storyline. The only questions were when and how. We now know the answer to when — it’s right now, right here, in front of a national TV audience (or maybe just the seven people currently watching Santa Royale’s public access cable station, I forget), but we’re still not sure of the how and frankly I’m on tenterhooks. Is the incredibly lifelike figurine of Mary he just carved out of marzipan with a butter knife meant to be an idol of pagan worship, and John will demand, wild-eyed, that the studio audience acknowledge Mary’s divine and terrible beauty? Or will he calmly wait until Mary notices the figure, and then, without breaking eye contact with her, pick it up and bite the head off before tossing it to the ground? Either way, next week is going to be amazing.

Spider-Man, 2/1/13

“Finally, I managed to work that Google bit into my quippery! I really feel like my repartee is going to be more up to date now.”

Garfield, 2/1/13

Garfield will do anything to feed his voracious appetites, Jon. Anything.

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Herb and Jamaal, 1/31/13

So, when does a comic make the jump from “funny little joke about life’s foibles” to “horribly depressing”? In the case of today’s Herb and Jamaal, that moment came when the artist decided to add such vivid emotion to Sarah’s face in panel one, as she briefly mistakes Herb’s clumsy reach for the lamp as an attempt to touch her affectionately. Is he going to hug me? Could this actually lead to sex? Haha, don’t be silly, Sarah, you’ve reached a “comfortable” point in your marriage, if you define “comfort” as “a cold, numbing absence of strong feelings of any kind.”

Dick Tracy, 1/31/13

I think traditionally Dick Tracy has used arrow-box-labels to identify the bits of gee-whiz technology the strip’s law-enforcement characters usually deploy. But since things like two-way wrist radios have now been superseded by boring, ordinary cell phones, I guess they’re just now going to be pointing out random objects. Architectural details in early 20th century mausoleums? Skeletons inside said mausoleums, which is exactly the sort of place you’d expect a skeleton to be? Sure, why not!

Spider-Man, 1/31/13

Say, what’s our good friend the Amazing Newspaper Spider-Man been up to since he was physically present when Kraven’s plot was foiled? Well, after finding out that one of his old nemeses was up to his old tricks in San Francisco, he decided to hitchhike from Las Vegas to San Francisco, because of poverty. (Isn’t MJ making decent money as a Broadway actress, enough to subsidize a bus trip or perhaps even coach-class plane travel? Maybe she quite wisely refuses to give him access to her bank account.) Then the guy who picked him up tried to rob him at gunpoint, and then he crushed the barrel of the gun with his bare hands, without the usual seven strips of agonizing about “oh, no, my secret identity,” presumably because whatever happens on I-15 several hours outside of Vegas stays on I-15 several hours outside of Vegas. Today’s strip made me laugh because of how devastated our ne’er-do-well is at the prospect of spending a few minutes looking for his keys in a roadside ditch. I’m thinking if you threaten someone with a gun and he turns out to have superhuman strength, this is probably one of the better possible outcomes?

Slylock Fox, 1/31/13

“So, what’re you doing, bro? I’m just gettin’ baked, makin’ calls on my fuzzy phone, and taking a bath in a tub full of pancake batter.”