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Comment of the Week

My little friend is not so little anymore, Toby! In fact, she's quite large! Enormous, in fact! Nine foot six and getting taller by the day! It's actually quite alarming! We're getting into I'm a Virgo territory here! Did you watch that miniseries, by the way? It was on Amazon Prime a couple of years ago! Jharrel Jerome is a treasure! Some great performances by Elijah Wood and Walton Goggins as well, which reminds me that I need to start my Justified rewatch. Oh, Margo Martindale is another treasure, especially as a voice in BoJack Horseman. Anyway, Olive is a giant, is the point I'm trying to make.

—els
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Cool comics teens like provide helpful PSAs!

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Wizard of Id, 12/20/12

Hey, teens, I bet you think that it’s “cool” to drink alcohol! Well, your pal Frosty is pretty hip and extreme with his backwards baseball cap and such, and he thought it would be OK to get drunk like a grown-up, and look what happened: he tore his own body apart and hurled it in gory chunks at his enemies, who presumably ran away in gibbering terror. This is what’ll happen to you if you let bad kids give you a hard lemonade at a party. Just ask for a Mountain Dew instead! You’ll thank us later!

Mary Worth, 12/20/12

The Sad Tale of Dawn’s Sadness that just concluded began way back in May, so obviously we need something wacky to cleanse our palate in its wake. But even longtime Mary Worth trufans such as myself could never have predicted how wacky things would get. Mary coaching an amateur cake designer to victory in the face of smug, sneering professionals, all in an attempt to cash in on the cake decorating TV craze of four years ago? Mary finally getting to see her many rambling philosophical diatribes transformed into pastry dioramas, wowing the world with her wisdom? YES PLEASE.

Better Half, 12/20/12

Whatever, Stanley is just going to keep on doing weird sex stuff with that remote, and he doesn’t need God or society’s approval, man.

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Wait, is Archie doing a chore without being asked? DOES NOT COMPUTE

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Marvin, 12/19/12

All week, Marvin has been expressing his thoughts via standard word balloons rather than thought bubbles, which might mean something momentous except I assumed that it was just more Marvin splapdashery, where small details change constantly because who cares. BUT today Marvin seems to have suddenly made the leap from rudimentary verbalization to full-on literacy! Naturally this is just another opportunity for him to express his insatiable greed. I might also note that, much as I celebrate and indeed depend economically on the written word, I still think that the appropriate order for gaining life skills is (1) learn to go to the bathroom in a toilet, then (2) learn to read and write.

Archie, 12/19/12

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 doesn’t exactly know what noises biological lifeforms make when ingesting other biomatter for nutrition and energizing purposes, but it’s pretty sure that they’re repulsive.

Pluggers, 12/19/12

A plugger walk down memory lane is literally a walk to the grave! THIS IS THE #8 PLUGGERS OF 2012, TUNE IN OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS FOR OUR COUNTDOWN TO ULTIMATE HORROR

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Even soapier Tuesday

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Apartment 3-G, 12/18/12

Aw, yeah, improbable Apartment 3-G Hollywood-yet-somehow-also-New-York publicity agency war plot: You get as weird as you want! So our double agent Evan is a bit resentful of all the sharp-tongued women in his life, either for having sex with him or for ordering him to have sex with someone else, I guess. And Greg, for good measure, for being too “pretty.” I’m assuming that Evan plans to solve all his problems and/or petty resentments via murder, but since he’s not actually as smart or clever as he thinks, probably this will be hilariously botched.

Mary Worth, 12/18/12

Whoops, sorry I made fun of your weird cake yesterday, Mr. Dill! I understand that tasks that require meticulous craftsmanship can help distract you from grief, so your cake-diorama makes perfect sense, emotionally. And once you get a taste for the glamorous cake-making life, well, obviously you’ll want to turn pro! Although … he doesn’t seem that broken up about his wife’s death, does he? He’s just jumping right in with the professional cake designer talk. Maybe his lifelong dream was to become a cake designer, but his late wife was always holding him back, nagging him to pursue a duller, more financially stable career, one that did not involve designing beautiful cakes? And now she’s conveniently dead? What is this Mr. Dill person hiding? There is no secret that Mary cannot uncover, Mr. Dill.

Crankshaft, 12/18/12

Crankshaft is one of the last literate people in America, and he can’t even spell “mojito.”