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Beetle Bailey, 9/22/12

I know it doesn’t pay to overthink Beetle Bailey (though I do, constantly; “Overthinking Beetle Bailey” will be the name of my autobiography), but one sign that your strip isn’t very good is that there’s really no coherent background that could explain the action we see in the first panel. Have the men of Camp Swampy been sent on a Bigfoot hunt by meddling government scientists who have somehow got the ear of top Pentagon brass? General Halftrack may not have a PhD in cryptozoology, but he still feels that he knows how likely it is that various sites might have Bigfoot infestations!

The easiest explanation is, as ever, total madness, which is to say that the most likely thing is that Halftrack is barking incoherent complaints into a bar of soap to nobody and is about to be waylaid by the weird, underimagined hallucination we see in panel two. But that’s undermined by the fact that the flat black rectangle he’s pressing to his face is a shockingly accurate depiction of a 2012-era smartphone. I mean, usually in Beetle Bailey you’d expect him to be talking into something with a huge antenna or maybe a curly phone cord trailing off to nowhere at the bottom of the panel. The presence of a recognizable piece of modern technology in this strip ought to shake you to your very core. On the other hand, it’s possible that the cellphone industry’s industrial designers have finally created objects so simple and minimalist that even Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC can draw them.

Slylock Fox, 9/22/12

That’s right, kids, don’t worry about the horrifying, violent fights between your parents, the ones that always attract the attention of the police, the ones that are literally tearing your house apart. Just focus on the Six Differences. Find the Six Differences and it’ll be OK.

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Hello all! Before we get to today’s COTW, I want to draw your attention to a sad — but possibly interesting — development in the comics world. Cow and Boy is a relatively new (i.e., it has not existed since the Eisenhower administration) syndicated strip by Mark Leiknes that I know many of you like. Unfortunately, what with the newspaper industry dying and all, it’s hard for newer strips to find their footing in syndication, and it will stop its newspaper run at the end of this year. Leiknes is trying to transition to a webcomic, and is looking for reader pledges/subscriptions to keep it afloat — $12 bucks a year for access is what he’s asking. I do think the future of comics is online, and I think the folks who got their start in newspapers but didn’t hit critical mass will be in the toughest position as that future unfolds, so I’m pleased to see someone making a go of it and experimenting with a business model instead of just closing up shop. If you like the strip, check it out!

OK, with that out of the way … here’s your comment of the week!

“PJ needs a forehead immensely more than he needs a hug.” –Izzy

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Hmmm, I need the reader to feel even more self-hating and misanthropic when Dawn makes Jim feel like complete shit. But how? I know! I’ll draw a big stupid arrow pointing at his tears!” –sporknpork

“Is that what Cherry is doing in the first panel? Flinching? Because it looks more like she ate some bad mushrooms on her walk.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“A million spiders per acre — Mark Trail freak out fact for the day. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant millionS. Millions lying in wait as you are standing still in an empty field. Enjoy Nature, folks!” –ScienceGiant

“Slylock is just covering for Max who obviously popped all the balloons by focusing the sun’s heat on to them. Look, he is still finishing one off now!” –Optimus Prime Rib

“With me it’s visible … like my missing arm … which is exactly the opposite of ‘visible’ … ha ha … but seriously, speaking about sensory assaults, what’s with the haircut?” –Hibbleton

“‘The joke’s on you, Clown-9! This isn’t a regular joy buzzer, it’s a joy buzzer that infects you with anthrax! And those aren’t spectators, they’re plainclothes SWAT! But they’re not firing regular bullets at you! No sir! They’re firing bullets that were purchased using money from your checking account! And I don’t know why I’m still explaining stuff to you, seeing as you’ve been dead for nearly a minute!’ The End.” –Steve

“‘Working hard or hardly working’ was never a serious question, Loretta. It’s just boilerplate wordplay that people who are already dead inside use at their horrible jobs to pass the time until they go home to their horrible spouses. Way to suck the fun out of it.” –Doctor Handsome

“Morning sickness? Check. Protuberant belly? Check. Virgin insemination? Check. Little Jeffy is with child to keep the Keane line flourishing! Allelieu!” –Greg

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Lockhorns, 9/21/12

Loretta staring forlornly at Leroy’s paycheck as she cracks wise about his financial inadequacies is part of her shtick now, of course, just as most of the Lockhorns’ interactions with each other can be reduced to a formula aimed at emotionally destruction, repeated in endless permutations as the situation demands. Still, you’d think she’d at least make the pretense that she’s actually surprised by how little money he makes and open the envelope before making fun of it. Maybe Leroy should switch to direct deposit and deny her the use of her prop.

Family Circus, 9/21/12

We can all tell by looking at them that the Keane Kids are monstrous genetic anomalies, but now it seems that Jeffy’s deformed body is falling apart internally. Poor little mutant! You were never meant to be!