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Zits, 9/14/12

My wife and I got married seven years ago this week, and we were together for three years before that, so yes, there is a certain amount of gas-passing that goes on in each other’s presence at this point in our relationship, and by “a certain amount” I mean “good lord it is a constant chemical warfare battle of the sort banned by the Geneva Conventions.” And yet I still have a certain amount of sympathy for what’s going on at the bottom left of the third panel. Walt’s just shoveling spoon after spoon of fart-fuel into his gaping maw, blithely assuring his son that someday he and his true love will be so confident in each other’s affections that they’ll go through life hand-in-hand, surrounded by an invisible self-generated cloud of noxious gas, their farts mingling and becoming one; but Connie’s face is a frozen mask, as she tries to hide the fact that her soul dies a little every time Walt toots audibly at the dinner table. I mean, there’s a bathroom right up the hall, you know? It even has a fan.

Mary Worth, 9/14/12

Well, it looks like Dawn is going to be living a more meaningful life, since she’s sure to imbue the fact that her new boyfriend (DO NOT DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE HER NEW BOYFRIEND) has but one arm with much more meaning than the situation deserves. (As about a million people pointed out in the comments, Jim’s disability was completely obvious in yesterday’s strip and yet I managed to not notice it at all, whoops.) Will Jim turn out to be a war hero, or even a semi-hero like Gil’s ex-student? Or is he just some guy who shouldn’t have reached so far into the garbage disposal? Whatever the case, we all know who the real hero is here: Wilbur, for inventing the Meat-Tart that Jim is enjoying with one-handed ease.

Dennis the Menace, 9/14/12

It appears that a shifty-eyed Dennis the Menace has decided on a new tactic in his war against society’s strictures: hard-line Calvinist theology. Isn’t the omnipotent God, who created the universe and predetermined our very ends before time began, the real menace here?

Momma, 9/14/12

“Francis, you have 17 of your friends on ‘speed dial,’ despite the fact that your phone appears to be a rotary-dial bakelite model of the sort not produced in more than 25 years. Why? And, more importantly, How?”

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Hello everyone! You may remember a few weeks back when I told you I was creating a crowdsourced presidential slash fiction archive, and you thought, “Ha ha, surely this is just a weird, random joke Josh is making.” Well, it’s not. It’s real, it’s here, and it’s very, very NSFW. It’s on Twitter. It’s got an awesome logo from webcomic superstar David Willis. And it needs your entries! Somewhere out there there’s a tale of tender, forbidden love between, let’s say, Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams. Are you the one to bring that tale to the world? I think you might.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/13/12

There’s definitely an interesting socioeconomic analysis to be done on the ways in which certain activities that were once deadly earnest attempts to gather food came, in an era of relative caloric abundance, to be luxury pastimes instead. But I’m hard-pressed to explain how Snuffy and Lukey, who never had any kind of job when times were flush, have had their lives affected by extra-Holler financial crises. Perhaps there’s less demand for chickens, Hootin’ Holler’s sole export, which means there are fewer chickens for the two old rascals to steal? More likely, “th’ economic downturn” refers not to anything that would affect us flatlanders, but rather to some apocalyptic event that severed the last tenuous economic tendril connecting Hootin’ Holler to the outside world, leaving its isolated residents with no option but to turn back to the forests and streams for sustenance. This crisis presumably happened decades ago, and so what we’re seeing here is a prequel strip showing the genesis of the Snuffy Smithiverse as we’ve come to know it.

Mary Worth, 9/13/12

Hey, remember when Dawn got dumped by her boyfriend and she was incredibly depressed and then her dad took her on a cruise and they almost died but then were rescued and it made Dawn re-evaluate everything and decide to live a more meaningful life? Well, in order to live that more meaningful life, she bowed to Mary’s demand that she volunteer at the hospital, and, oh look, she’s found a Dave-replacement — a similarly bland and blond fellow with a monosyllabic all-American name — on her very first day there. How efficient! I guess she can stop volunteering now, mission accomplished!

Herb and Jamaal, 9/13/12

Shorter Herb: “I only married my wife because she’s physically attractive, and now I can’t understand why she’s mad at me all the time.”