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Ha ha, yes, Momma, it would be amusing if the two candidates in today’s election were forced to share the White House, and the presidency! But alas, it appears that one of them will in all likelihood defeat the other. If you would like to argue about their relative merits, feel free to do so, in the comments on this post! The usual discussion policies are suspended on this post, so knock yourself out. If you’d like to talk about today’s comics, you can do so over here. If you’d like to see what I think of the election, I’ll be posting things all day on your Wonkette.

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Mark Trail, 11/6/12

So, everyone, quick poll: did Bill figure out a good way to tell Mark’s wife Cherry? I mean, what would sort of explanation would you prefer if your spouse had been kidnapped by an oddly jovial group of Caribbean pirates and was being held for ransom? Would you like some softening up first, like “Hey, Cherry, remember your neglectful husband who’s always running off and refusing to satisfy you sexually? It’d be pretty great if he got kidnapped, right?” Or would prefer it if Bill just straight-up told you what happened, even though he knows he’ll have to withstand a terrifying eye close-up? I like the latter approach, personally, though it’ll quickly flip from “good way to tell my wife Cherry” to “bad way to tell my wife Cherry” if Bill follows up with “So, uh, do you have $2 million you can lay your hands on pretty fast to pay the ransom? I mean the corporate yacht is worth more than that, but you wouldn’t believe the paperwork hoops I’d have to jump through if I went down that route.”

Dick Tracy, 11/6/12

Dick Tracy insane violence update! Sadly, Measles appears to have escaped his horrible ordeal without having been blinded or even suffering any visible scarring. Still, he’s now considering doping himself with some kind of crazy anesthetic patches that will allow him to not feel any of Dick’s bullets tearing into his body, and will therefore be able to fight until his body simply stops functioning. This is certainly promising!

Apartment 3-G, 11/6/12

“Margo Magee, you never cease to amaze me! It’s almost as if you’re not just indifferent to running a publicity agency, but are actively trying to alienate all your clients so as to bankrupt yourself as quickly as possible!”

IMPORTANT NOTE: Would you like to talk about today’s U.S. presidential election? Probably, as it is an important and exciting event, that is happening today! If that’s your thing, go on over to the post that I have created for this purpose. Please keep the comments on this post focused on the comics and the rest of the usual fun nonsense. Thanks!

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Heathcliff, 11/5/12

So I’m still trying to get my bearings on Heathcliff? Heathcliff and Marmaduke have different syndicates, but they seem in some ways to be one-panel animal companions — indeed, both have Sunday features (“Kitty Korner” and “Dog Gone Funny,” respectively) where people can write in with very mildly amusing stories about their pets that never seem to involve urine or vomit, unlike most of the pet stories people tell me. Nevertheless, Heathcliff is not a Marmadukean soul-destroying hell-monster, but rather a mid-level thug who lives a self-satisfied and comfortable existence occasionally interrupted (but also at the same time sustained?) by dealing out violence to those who irritate him. Today, though, we see that he’s a lover as well as a fighter, and indeed his erotic life is much stranger than his sadly predictable acts of aggression. While our focus in this panel is rightly on the cat that’s tongue-kissing a kitchen appliance, we should also spare a thought for the human woman who regards this sordid little scene and reacts not with disgust or bafflement but instead with a sort of wistful jealousy.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/5/12

Oh no … the heavy-lidded grin … the admission that he’s had time to prepare a response on this topic … the opportunity to set the record straight on the importance of sequential art as a means of serious expression … WE ARE APPROACHING FUNKY WINKERBEAN SMUG LEVEL ALPHA, REPEAT, SMUG LEVEL ALPHA … TAKE SHELTER WHERE AVAILABLE … MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOULS