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Marvin, 5/30/12

At this point in my life I’m pretty deep in the throes of Marvin Derangement Syndrome, so I don’t really ever expect to find satisfaction in this feature’s panels. But I have to admit that I feel a certain amount of validation in knowing that even the other characters in the strip are disgusted at the thought of looking at more images of Marvin.

Ballard Street, 5/30/12

Ballard Street is a generally amusing one-paneler that depicts a mostly interchangeable cast of characters engaging in insane and inscrutable activities, so I usually leave it alone, but I thought that today’s installment, in which the punchline basically boils down to “Chip got drunk and passed out on the couch,” was worthy of your attention.

Six Chix, 5/30/12

I was going to huff that a plant needs the energy it derives from sunlight via photosynthesis in order to engage in the metabolic processes that this woman is demanding, but then I just decided to respect this panel for what it is: the melancholy tale of a person who feels so powerless in her everyday life that she comes home and bullies her plants.

Pluggers, 5/30/12

A plugger’s life is an awful charnel house in which everyone around them is dead or dying.

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Slylock Fox, 5/29/12

Every once in a while, Slylock Fox offers a little glimpse of the moment when our safe, normal, H. sapiens-ruled world suddenly turned into an awful madhouse of anthropomorphized animals with their own views on criminal law. Look at the facial expression on that fellow in both these Six Difference scenes! Is that a man who’s thinking “My goodness, this is an unexpected but ultimately pleasant blast of cool water on a hot day”? No, not at all! He’s terrified. That face says, “Wait, has that dog learned to operate a hose? Is he standing on his hind legs? Oh my God, he has thumbs. Thumbs. He’s laughing at me. Laughing! Oh God, this is it! I knew I should have sent a check when the Humane Society mailed me those address labels, I knew it! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I KNEW MY MOM WASN’T REALLY SENDING OUR DOG TO A ‘FARM UPSTATE,’ BUT I NEVER SAID ANYTHING! I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING! OH, GOD, I’M SO SORRY!”

Luann, 5/29/12

You know, there was a time where I might have claimed that Knute and Crystal were my favorite Luann characters — not, of course, because of any virtues of their own, but because they were presented as a radical alternative to their fellow Pitts High students, and therefore were kind of likable by default, in a “the enemy of my enemy” sort of way. But now they’ve become just like all their fellow damned Luanniverse souls, in that their primary mode of interaction involves gross faux-titillating banter. At least today’s “Heh, I sure would like to get naked with you in the menswear section of this department store” episode is significantly more tolerable than “I wanna hear you pee.”

Judge Parker, 5/29/12

Speaking of faux-sexual antics, the seduction of Sam Driver is now in full swing, with Avery and Peaches gamely trying to prove that even fly fishing can be eroticized, if you try hard enough.

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Ziggy, 5/28/12

I guess Ziggy is supposed to be sitting on an old-fashioned wrought-iron chair, of the sort that you might find in an old-timey ice cream shops that will serve delicious, life-affirming sundaes. Still, I still prefer my initial take on this panel, which was that Ziggy has a tube attached to the back of his neck, pumping him full of who knows what. “…what a difference a sundae makes! Along with massive amounts of morphine! For a brief moment, I don’t yearn for the sweet release of death!”

Apartment 3-G, 5/28/12

When we last checked in with our fabulously wealthy lovelorn couple, Margo had advised Scott to stop pursuing Nina, letting her realize for herself that she really needed the man who browbeat her into having a baby and then smooched someone else. Naturally, Scott has interpreted this to mean that he should move into Nina’s father’s house, where Nina herself fled specifically to get away from him! Nina’s dad shows what being a good parent is all about by being totally into this idea. Since Nina can’t trust her father, her husband, or her erstwhile friend Margo whom her husband was canoodling with, it looks like she’ll have no choice but to flee into the arms of … Tommie? Ha ha, no, nobody could possibly be that desperate.

Blondie, 5/28/12

I’m pretty sure that Popeye is a “sailor” in the sense of being a crewman on a sea-going vessel, not in the sense of being an enlisted man in the U.S. Navy. And yet he dares to enjoy generosity meant for our armed forces, while real heroes like Sgt. Snorkel and Pvt. Bailey slink away in disgust. Why does Popeye hate America?