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Gil Thorp, 2/9/12

Guys, it’s all been fun and games watching the Mudlark basketball team defile their tender young flesh with heathen tattoos, but what about the lesson? It’s not a Gil Thorp plot without a lesson. Today, we learn that lesson: Unlike your dad, who couldn’t handle the fact that your mom made more money than him at her fancy bank job and ran off with the 19-year-old who works at the Arby’s out on Route 128, a tattoo will never leave you!

Shoe, 2/9/12

“That’s right! It took multiple painful experimental surgeries, but the mammalian cells have finally been successfully grafted onto my scalp and now I’m growing real hair, not just feathers like you! These few scraggly hairs mean everything to me! I’m a monstrous chimera, but I don’t care, do you hear me? I don’t care!”

Mary Worth, 2/9/12

I’m warning you right now: The temptation to just run, without comment of any kind, all the Mary Worth strips in which Nola gleefully describes her sexual depravity and Mary reels in horror is very, very strong, and I don’t know if I can resist it much longer.

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Blondie, 2/8/12

“Also, my femurs are almost twice as long as my tibias, and not roughly the same length, as is normal in humans. I’m a shambling, lurching abomination of nature! It’s a miracle that I can walk at all!”

Momma, 2/8/12

Hey, everyone, Momma is thirsty for child-love! Let’s, uh, never speak of this again.

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Garfield, 2/7/12

So, here’s an absolutely true thing: for years now, every time my wife manages to one-up me on something, I say “It’s not a contest” and she dramatically replies “Says the loser!” The first time we did it was spontaneous, and now it’s just one of the catchphrases in the long-running sitcom that our marriage (like, I assume, most long-term relationships) has become. So you can understand why we found this strip both hilarious and unsettling. Still, it’s extremely unnerving to see someone you love say “Obviously Jim Davis is spying on us” with a completely straight face.

Hi and Lois, 2/7/12

Let’s ignore for the moment the whole “who-moved-my-cookie” office-hijinks har-har. For me, the thing that really captures the banality of white-collar life is the poster hanging up in the second panel. I’m assuming that “FF” stands for “Foofram,” the name of Hi and Thirsty’s employer, which I’ve kind of come to love. Remember, nothing boosts workplace morale like printing your corporate logo and “QUALITY” onto an 8 1/2 by 11 inch sheet of paper and scotch-taping it to the wall of the break room.

Mary Worth, 2/7/12

Not to brag or anything, but it turns out I was 100% correct about Nola’s techniques for turning aside Mary’s meddling. Having volunteered with no prying whatsoever her penchant for nonconsensual nonmonogamy, she can now lean back and simply watch Mary’s head explode.

Mark Trail, 2/7/12

Hey, remember when Tommy told us like six times that he would just leave his jacket lying around in the middle of the woods and Butch the blind dog would stay near it, when for no readily apparent reason Tommy would leave Butch the blind dog out in the woods by himself, and you were all like, “Well, that doesn’t make any sense.” Jokes on you, suckers! This particular Chekhovian gun has fired nicely! I mean, you have to admit that Jeff the bank robber seems like the kind of dude who would just put on some gross old jacket he found lying around in the forest without really thinking about it that much.

Spider-Man, 2/7/12

Meanwhile, Spider-Man has decided to try out this whole “super-heroics” thing, with predictable results.