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Crock, 4/1/12

Hey, check it out, everybody, it’s a vaguely competently executed joke about a more or less topical subject, in Crock! Naturally, it involves a character turning his back on God, just as his isolated fort is about to be overwhelmed by a murderous enemy army.

Beetle Bailey, 4/1/12

It seems that Cookie has found a way to work out his complicated feelings about Sarge. Presumably the day when the cook serves up not just Sarge’s image, but Sarge himself, rendered as “Sarge-Loaf,” is not far off, and no doubt his resentful troops will consume his flesh with the same manic glee.

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Gil Thorp, 3/31/12

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the spring storyline in Gil Thorp! (Or, for you Thorpophobes: Sorry I’m about to bring you up to date on the spring storyline in Gil Thorp!) The softball team has been roiled by a standoffish new girl who’s only standoffish to protect a mysterious secret (HER SECRET: she is a teen mom), which I’m sure will be wacky at some point in the future but right now it’s kind of enh. What drew my eye to today’s strip was the second panel. Most of us probably wouldn’t deem five vultures hovering menacingly over the baseball field a “good sign” for the season. My guess is that, having failed at coaching via conventional means, Gil and Coach Kaz have decided to study the ancient art of augury, which the Romans used to divine the future by studying the flight patterns of birds, in order to defeat their enemies and gain the favor of the gods. This will go great, up until the inevitable lawsuit from Americans United for the Separation of Pagan Temple and State.

Mary Worth, 3/31/12

Now here’s an interesting plot twist! This scene of Nola weeping disconsolately in public, pleasing though it is, surely isn’t the last we’re going to see of her; so why the sudden shift to Mary and Jeff (the latter in his sweet letterman jacket), sitting at home watching This Week In Disgraced Televangelists on the Schadenfreude Channel? Perhaps there’s a link between weeping Nola and her biblical-esque parable, failed monogamist Johnny Thomas, and these helpful words from Jesus from earlier this month? My guess: Nola and Johnny will find their way back to righteousness together, after they have illicit sex.

Dennis the Menace, 3/31/12

Mr. Wilson has finally decided to kill Dennis, with insecticide.

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Do you enjoy funny comments? I’ll bet you do! Here, here’s this week’s funniest:

“I think that Death/Fate might do a little better if he wasn’t wearing a hooded mod minidress and Chaco sandals. It’s like he dresses strictly from the women’s ‘Travel’ section of the REI catalog.” –Grandstanding Oddball

And the others! They are also funny!

“In actuality, Margo was torn from the thigh of Anna Wintour.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Magical Hobos aside, I don’t think Nola’s ready for a conversion just yet. No, I think there’s an option four, whereupon Nola sleeps with the homeless man in order to aggressively take over his shopping cart full red and blue antique bottles. It doesn’t really make sense, but this is Mary Worth we’re talking about.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Margo was also born wearing a Freddy Krueger glove, which she used to liberate herself from that uterus-prison. The shoes just added style points.” –Walker of Dog

“We duly note that Miss Magee implied but did actually confirm Mr. Gaine$’ exclamation that she ‘walked all the way across town in heels.’ While we have not a shred of doubt that Miss Magee is a high-heel kind of girl — and more power to her — we suspect she is also a taxicab kind of girl, and one who is not above leaving the impression she is made of sterner stuff.” –Fashion Police

“I imagine that Nola is actually taking a jump over the bench, and is running away. ‘I have some change … In my car!’ ‘NO! Come back! I have proof that all the presidential candidates are space-lizards!'” –Lord-z

“The teleportation is obviously random and against his will, based on his, ‘Oh NO! Not again’ exasperation. A minor annoyance, I suppose, for a garden gnome that has been transformed into a human being.” –survivor

“I refuse to believe that dog would call anyone fine folks until he got a real good sniff of their ass. Indeed!” –Sans Sense

“While this little teaser does seem to imply that we’re dealing with outdoor cannabis growers, I’m still not convinced that ‘drugs’ in the MT universe are anything more than bales of brown ‘something’ that you need an airplane to distribute. What I’m saying is that I wouldn’t be too surprised to find out tomorrow that these khaki criminals are dealing in counterfeit geraniums, or have started an illegal corn fighting ring.” –pugfuggly

“Actually, I’m going to assume that the ‘50 plants’ in question are actually a large number of industrial plants that are generating tremendous amounts of chemical waste, which explains why the water they’re traveling over is fluorescent and teal. Mark Trail may know what marijuana looks like, but is he familiar enough with the early symptoms of methyl isocyanate exposure?” –Mumbly Joe

“Does Cookie actually have to make breakfast-to-order for every denizen of Camp Swampy, all by himself? That’d put a sad face on anybody. ‘Hey, Cookie, I’d like two over easy, the yolks just slightly starting to harden so they’re not all runny like yesterday, some crisp bacon (but not burned), some hash browns with the nice crunchy edges, and one slice of rye toast (for the eggs) and one slice of white (for the jam).’ ‘Sure thing, private. You’re number 1,274, and I’m on number 12 right now.'” –jvwalt

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