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Marmaduke, 12/9/11

I don’t think the Marmaduke creative team has ever seen a vegetarian before, or at least they haven’t bothered to come up with some kind of visual shorthand to differentiate vegetarians from one of the run-of-the-mill miscellaneous middle-aged humans flummoxed by Marmaduke. Marmaduke’s mind is boggling anyway, presumably at the concept that any living being can feed without something dying in agony.

Apartment 3-G, 12/9/11

“It’s just that … Paul’s a creepy, controlling weirdo, and he deserves a passive, empty-headed wife who will do whatever he says and not be unsettled by his demands. I thought I could be that wife! But it turns out that sometimes I have opinions.”

Marvin, 12/9/11

Oh, man, cat, you do not want to get into a shitting contest with Marvin. You’re going to regret the day you ever learned to poop in a box, my friend.

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Mark Trail, 12/8/11

Hi everyone! You’ve probably been wondering what’s happening in Mark Trail. WOLVES! WOLVES! is what’s happening. Panel two is one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen in this strip. Between Kelly’s huge eyes and flapping lapels and WOLVES!, I think I might even love it unironically. The fact that it’s heralding an epic bear vs. wolfpack fight is just icing on the cake.

Beetle Bailey, 12/8/11

Maybe Kelly Welly should have wandered into a gentler valley, like this one, full of animals that are the product of “scientists” doing “research,” as imagined by someone who isn’t really clear on what research entails or what scientists do or what animals look like. Ha ha, that one bird sure is boozing it up! That seems significant.

Mary Worth, 12/8/11

Meanwhile, in Mary Worth, this brutish ginger kidnapper-thug is going to perpetrate the most unspeakable crime anyone could imagine: he’s going to steal the sweater that Mary left at the diner. THE WOMAN ALREADY HAD HER PURSE STOLEN! HASN’T SHE SUFFERED ENOUGH???

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Spider-Man, 12/7/11

I’ve been staring at MJ’s hair for a long time now trying to figure out what exactly is so wrong with it. Is the back of her skull now disproportionately bulbous? Is her ponytail just sort of sticking out of a huge, matted mass that’s starting to border on white-girl dreadlocks? Whatever it is, Peter can now get over the fact that he’s been emasculated by his wife’s high salary. “Ha, Mary Jane may be the main breadwinner in this family, but at least my hair doesn’t look like that.”

Actually, MJ may soon be the family’s sole breadwinner, seeing as Peter has overslept on his first day of work.

Family Circus, 12/7/11

There are so many delicious reasons for Daddy to look depressed here that I can’t settle on my favorite! Is he sad because he wanted to play the hero and deliver on Billy’s extravagant gift desires, only to have the kid go over his head to his mother? Is he sad because Billy has figured out that there is no Santa Claus, and more to the point that his parents are cheap bastards who would never be able to fulfill his Christmas wishes? Is he sad because work is his refuge from his family, but today’s he’s going to have to spend precious moments scanning and emailing Billy’s gift list, time could be spent more pleasantly on spreadsheets and such? Is he sad because in all likelihood this is a recycled panel from the ’80s in which Billy originally wanted him to fax the list to grandma, and he realizes that he’s doomed to repeat the same dumb gags forever with only the technology updated every decade or so?

Crankshaft, 12/7/11

Crankshaft, meanwhile, is sad because he has to pay for medical services! I can’t wait to see how sad he’ll be when he finds out he has prostate cancer.