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Pluggers, 4/8/12

Happy Easter, everybody! Did you ever have warm feelings towards the Easter Bunny, that lovable fertility symbol turned Easter mascot? Well, prepare to have those completely washed away now that you see him for what he really is: just another plugger, with his eggs stacked haphazardly in the back of his beat up pick-up truck, just stone cold flying out all over the highway, so what if some of those baskets come in a little light, he’s not paid enough to care, those little squallers can kiss his furry ass, you know what I’m saying?

Judge Parker, 4/8/12

Haha, yet another Judge Parker storyline has ended in lucrative rewards for one of the strip’s main characters, who did nothing to deserve it! Last time around Judge Parker Emeritus gained the fawning love of millions for accidentally falling off a building; this time it’s April, who got a couple of Mercedeses from her Saudi prince friend as a way of apologizing for the ways in which his vast polygamous family’s internal politics inconvenienced her. Oh, also, he probably had one of his daughters-in-law executed, but the important thing here is that April and Randy will be tooling around in shiny new cars, huzzah!

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/7/12

Hagar has spent so many years engaged in brutal warfare that he no longer understands how to behave in conventional social situations, and crowds trigger attacks of PTSD.

Shoe, 4/7/12

The Perfesser is either too lazy to open gifts or too jaded to feel the brief anticipatory joy one usually experiences while doing so, and now just demands to be told what they are before he bothers to remove the wrapping paper.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/7/12

The chickens of Hootin’ Holler, like their human counterparts, suffer from significant genetic abnormalities.

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It’s getting positively pleasant out there, and comments of the week are blooming like flowers! Here’s the prettiest!

“This strip is so close to perfection. If only they had spelled it ‘marihuana.'” –Michael Yuri

And the others, almost as lovely!

“What, did Jeff suddenly wake up in a letterman jacket, glass in hand, next to Mary on the couch? ‘Huh? Where am I? Is that the televangelist Johnny Thomas? What’s in this drink?'” –Squeak

“George, you got your point across, but we still have to pay him.” –Lee

“Dinny and Bobby do look like they’re getting serious, what with Dinny being stark naked except for a ballcap and jockstrap. Let’s hope their clumsy experimentation with physical love does not permanently scar their hearts and/or urogenital regions.” –Ed Dravecky

“The real menace, of course, is Dennis pulling an April Fool’s joke on April 2nd, thus toppling Joey’s already shaky sense of reality.” –Pozzo

“With as rich as Veronica’s dad is, you’d think he could afford to hire a caddy with, y’know, upper-body strength, or a working knowledge of golf.” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Funky is driving us to meet the bus that goes to the train that takes us to the plane that flies the cat that ate the rat, etc.’ Nothing is easy in the Funkyverse — especially trying to escape.” –Mikey Mike

“How did Iris get so tipsy on just one drink, anyway? It’s not like the Morgans are the type to give a full pour, especially to houseguests of unknown temperament. We get a lot of unbelievable characters in this daily drama strips, but I think the Cowgirl Who Cannot Hold Her Liquor probably tops the list.” –cheech wizard

“Studying Jeff a bit more — he has big ears and ear lobes in panel one, and dainty lobeless ears in the second. Maybe he has mismatched lobe? Magic lobes? Maybe he tried to cut one off to send to the object of his desire. Maybe Mike Tyson bit it off.” –Deb T

“I refuse to believe Mary Worth was ever young! She was an old biddy when I was a child, and I’m 41. She was born complete and whole from the ashes, Phoenix-like, of a freak Geritol-induced explosion during an all-night Strip Canasta tournament in the old Chartestone rec room.” –kingklash

“Also, why does Brad have to stop talking for Toni to be able to reach in with both hands and yank out his still beating heart? It would be much more satisfying to kill that schmuck in mid-sentence. But I suppose anytime is good, really.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“The words ‘Marijuana, that’s what it is!’ pierce the air. 200 miles away in the Lost Forest, Giant Stoner Chicken awakes.” –Nate

“Rejected alternatives: snitch, ditch, stitch, kitsch, switch, ostrich.” –Brent

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