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Curtis, 1/3/12

I do need my Christmas-to-New-Year’s break from the site to recharge my comic-mocking jets, but it does always make me sad that I end up missing most of the Curtis Kwanzaa madness. For those not in the know, each Kwanzaatime (note to self: find out if “Kwanzaatime” is a word; if so, attempt to register kwanzaatime.com) the strip takes a break from its main characters to offer up a tale, generally set in a stylized pre-modern African locale, built around some kind of lesson. It also usually features hallucinatory madness, with bat-winged bears and giant telepathic otters and whatnot. This year’s story has been not quite that level of insane, though it has featured a protagonist so traumatically ugly that his features cannot be drawn, lest the newspaper comics readership be driven mad by the hideousness. Today it appears that we’re learning the tale’s moral: even if you are mind-warpingly ugly, people will like you if you’re rich.

Apartment 3-G, 1/3/12

Since I am now becoming as mired in nostalgia as the comics I mock, there’s nothing that thrills me more than when continuity strips bring back random minor ancillary characters from the past. Take Mim, for instance! She was Lu Ann’s teenage niece who showed up at the apartment one day after she got knocked up by some dude named Chuck and then Margo tried to sell the baby but it didn’t work and then she had the baby and that’s the last we saw of her, I’m pretty sure? Along the way we learned about Margo’s unreasoning hatred of the New York Public Library. Anyway, that was in 2005, because I’m super old, and so that baby is seven now and Mim is an adult and has shorter hair and probably has some nice comforting things to say to Lu Ann or whatever. I can’t wait!

Mark Trail, 1/3/12

The last Mark Trail adventure ended with Mark not only refusing to write about the hot story that led him (presumably on his employer’s dime) to the Canadian woods, but also erasing Kelly Welly’s camera so she couldn’t write about it either. Looks like Mark finally screwed Kelly — just not the way she wanted! Ha ha! See, because Kelly desperately wants to have sex with Mark, but he finds anything have to do with “those parts” “down there” confusing and scary.

Anyway, Mark’s line in panel two would be pretty high on the extensive list of Things Said By Characters In Mark Trail That Would Never, Ever Be Uttered By Actual Humans (Ranked In Order Of Improbability). Mark’s facial expression also strikes me as just a wee bit smug. “Tommy and his wife are struggling to scrape by on a dog-trainer’s salary in this ongoing, grinding recession! But don’t worry, honey, since I write for a print magazine aimed at outdoorspersons, we have all the money we need. I can even refuse to write articles if I want to protect the privacy of weird bear-domesticating hermit ladies!”

Crankshaft, 1/3/12

I really love the look of shock on and guilt on Pam’s face! I assume that it means that the family is in fact building a prison cell for their hated matriarch.

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Hey, everybody, I’m back! And let’s get right into the horror, because when you think of the holidays around the end of the year, you think of sheer gut-wrenching terror. So, what was the most terrifying event that the newspaper comics industry belched out during my absence?

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/23/11

Was it when Randy’s language-generation unit started shorting out, producing a sentence that was almost but not quite something an English-speaking human would say?

Panel from Gil Thorp, 12/24/11

Was it when Gil stared at you with his meaty face and empty, soulless eyes, wishing you a Merry Christmas as a thousand tiny explosions twinkled behind him?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/24/11

Was it when Mary Worth tried to make your head explode, with her mind?

Panel from Judge Parker, 12/25/11

Was it the moment that you realized that you were forbidden to even open your Christmas presents in the privacy of your own home until Sophie gave you permission?

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/26/11

Was it when Lu Ann started hearing Margo’s voice, even when Margo wasn’t present?

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 12/29/11

Was it when lovable Zero was revealed to be Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies?

Panel from Mark Trail, 1/1/12

Was it when we learned that the deformed child-thing known as “Rusty” was dimly aware that time passes outside the Lost Forest compound, and that humans traditionally make “resolutions” to mark the beginning of a new year? What sort of “resolutions” does the Rusty-creature “need” to make?

Dick Tracy, 12/24/11

Anyway, terrifying as all of those were, none of them could compare to the night when Dick Tracy and his wife desecrated the memory of the baby Jesus by engaging in Linus-Sally sex roleplay. Gross!

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 12/28/11

When Dan Diller scrawled “TOMMIE” on one of his old Allman Brothers 8-tracks and told her it was her new album, that was really more “pathetic” than “terrifying.”

And what does the new year have in store for us? More of Spider-Man dodging his responsibilities, I bet!

Spider-Man, 1/2/12

“I was about to tackle these hoods myself, until Thor came along! Hopefully someone will come along soon to take care of Thor for me?”

Anyway, I’m back on my usual routine tomorrow morning, promise. But, as threatened, I must use the beginning of the month to remind you of the existence of my various social networking shenanigans! If you want to keep up with my doings while you waste time on the Internets, feel free to follow me on:

• Twitter!
• Facebook!
• Tumblr!
• Google Plus!

I post more or less the same stuff to each of these, so if you should probably pick your favorite service and just follow me there rather than subscribing to all of them.

No new COTW until Friday, but still I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Audible.com: Download a free sci-fi audiobook today!
• Daniel Palmer: Delirious: “A high-speed thrill ride.” –Tess Gerritsen “Smart, sophisticated, and unsettling…a great thriller.” –Lee Child “A roiling plot, insightful characters, clear, intelligent writing.” –Steve Berry

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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You guys, I have something to confess. I’ve been slacking. Slacking about Mary Worth. She’s had a fab week and I’ve ignored it, which is violating the sacred bond between my readers and myself. It took a gently prodding letter from a faithful reader, who was concerned that I hadn’t been addressing Mary’s antics and expressed hope that I would maybe do a wrap-up post for the week, that forced me to confront my failure in this area and resolve to do better. As I prepare to leave for my annual tri-city Chrimukkwanzaa voyage, I leave you in Mary’s capable hands until I return in 2012.

What was the high point of Mary’s week? Was it Monday, when her determination to rescue an innocent girl caused her to violently assault a hapless waitress?

Mary Worth, 12/19/11

Was it Tuesday, when that girl learned that pretty girls get free ice cream?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/20/11

Was it Thursday, when a wide-eyed Mary gesticulated so violently at the 911 operator that her cravat was knocked askew?

Mary Worth, 12/22/11

Or is it today, when our evil kidnapper subtly asserts his power by placing his body somehow next to and in front of the diner table, proving his ability to ignore the rules of Euclidian space-tieme?

Panel from Mary Worth, 12/23/11

I will see you all again January 3 or thereabouts! In the meantime, please enjoy your comment of the week:

“I’ve put up with art show happenings, Dalai Lama snubs, improbable musical careers, and more twists than a bag of pretzels from A3G but Lu Ann having a ‘sudden flash of insight’? You’ve gone too far this time, Shulock. Too far.” –Ed Dravecky

And the runners up, very funny:

“Uh, Lu Ann, I hate to be a nit-picker, but you acquiesced to his proposal after like one date and a visit to his family who all demanded you marry him. I don’t think knowing you was ever on the menu.” –commodorejohn

“Kelly puts her finger to her head and thinks, ‘Gave it to their native friends? Could it be some kind of tax-dodging money-laundering Bible-bird-band scheme? Jackpot! Quick, Honey, fetch my steno pad!'” –Nate

“I love that gleam in Mark’s eye and his broad smile as he sees the meal that Mother McQueen has prepared. ‘Damn, I wish Cherry could learn how to roast a bear turd like that!'” –seismic-2

“This new plane we developed has a special inability to fly that eludes radar detection.” –sporknpork

“I hope I’m not the only one whose first thought was that when Marvin thought he’d ‘go on Santa’s Facebook page,’ he meant he was planning to take a dump on the computer.” –spence-bob

“This has been Emily Smith’s lucky week. First, a stranger offered her candy if she would take a ride in his car, and now another stranger is offering her ice cream! Dare she press her luck, by asking about pie?” –seismic-2

“To: Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC. From: Central Intelligence Agency. Classification Level: TOP SECRET. Mission: Produce as much secret military plane-related ‘humor’ as possible. Said strips will be leafleted upon Iran until they give up the captured spy drone in disgust.” –Dagger

“If Ghost Gary truly looks out for his girl Lu Ann, where was he when she almost died from ‘accidentally’ huffing paint fumes a while back? Apparently, he only cares about her life when it involves another guy. Well, at least she’s got a type.” –LogopolisMike

And if you want to learn more about advertising on the site you can go here but really I’m not going to update the site or even really check my email much until after the New Year, so you should really wait until then to do anything about it. See you in 2012 for the apocalypse, suckers!