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Beetle Bailey, 9/10/11

Oh, Mr. Fireman, I think General Halftrack knows very well how this show ends. It ends with him dying in the fire he set himself, drinking himself into a stupor as the smoke fills his lungs. He hates himself too much to go on living, just as he hates his wife too much to leave her the satisfaction of a nice house to live out her final years in. Don’t bother trying to rescue him; you’re just wasting your time.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/10/11

Today’s fun fake punk rock slang: “We need to make this scene!” Use it whenever you feel compelled to put on an appearance at the hot party of your choice, won’t you?

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It’s another comment of the week, and an early one at that! I know I usually keep my ad plugs for the end, but there’s one I wanted to draw your attention to up top: your eyes do not deceive you, there is a Slylock Fox Spot The Differences Game for the iPhone and iPad! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT!

Ahem. And now, your comment of the week:

“That’s definitely not Dudley Do-Right we see in Mark Trail. It’s his religious cousin, Dudley Deuteronomy.” –Mibbitmaker

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I’m hoping Batuik is setting us up for a Funkiverse Time Shift Revelation: ‘So if your father was Smokey Williams, you must know all about the Crankshaft Massacres! The fireball that engulfed his family … The Garden Club decapitations … And the final horrific school bus crash into the Icy Cuyahoga River … Your father could have stopped it all, but he just made it worse! Why? Why? WHY?'” –Lorne

“It looks like I’m engaged to a jock! Which explains why, as a nerd, I just got my glasses broken. What, you didn’t think I could find a way to whine about even the most positive moments of my life? LES MOORE, MOTHERFUCKERS. RESPECT.” –Windier E. Megatons

“It’s too bad Les never met Lu Ann. He could wax pseudo-philosophical on his front porch swing to his heart’s content, and she’d just be content to sit at his side thinking ‘Wow, a porch swing, how very quaint in a bland, suburban way!’ They would be completely absorbed in their own tiny little worlds, and thus completely happy together.” –TheDiva

“‘Oh, please, Jughaid — not another apple!!’ ‘Nope!! I brung you an apple, Miz Prunelly!!’ ‘O … kay.'” –Chyron HR

“So McQueen is operating on the assumption that people are going to drive to wherever-in-the-hell valley to look at transient waterfowl that may or may not have biblical bands around their legs after reading an as-yet-to-be-written article in a wildlife magazine? I think the mercury-based hair dye he uses may be seeping in through the skin (note: Don’t forget the eyebrows next time!).” –geekwhisperer

“I could stay here forever, Paul. And in fact, I’ll have to, because at the rate I’m apparently aging between panels one and three I’ll be dead in a matter of seconds! Just bury me where I fall.” –Windier E. Megatons

“Even more bizarre than the ideas that tourism is bad for the valley or that tourists will be attracted to Bible-geese is the idea that people actually read and are inspired by the articles Mark or Kelly churn out in their poorly-managed dead-tree publication filled with content by people who can’t string together a natural sounding sentence in conversation, much less on paper.” –Alex Blaze

“Well, Princess, it seems my bizarrely complex and ill-conceived plan to spread the Good Word through golden Bible verses attached to a tiny population of migratory water-fowl has drawn the attention of two viciously self-centered nature writers whose readership of insane shut-ins must surely number in the low dozens. Deliver these micro-engraved platinum acorns to our most powerful ally that she may know our darkest fears have come to pass. Hurry! To the Queen of the Ants!” –firedmyass

“With all my heart, I hope this will finally be the adventure where it’s revealed that a steady stream of men with interesting facial hair are concocting fake conspiracies in an effort to help their friend Mark avoid the women in his life.” –Jocelyn Knockersbury

“Hey Sergeant MacQueen, can your message be delivered in the form of randomly-placed dog urine? If so, you’ve made the right choice.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“‘Now that you mention it, what AM I doing here? I could be home, watching TV!’ It’s sort of ironic that Peter works for a newspaper, actually.” –Carly

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• The Dragon Who Loved Me: G.A. Aiken’s fifth book in The New York Times bestselling Dragon Kin series! A wicked and witty tale of one fearless, outspoken heroine teamed up with an incorrigible barbarian. “Sexy and outrageous humor.”–Romantic Times

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Pluggers, 9/9/11

Now, non-pluggers, you’re probably confused to see a chicken she-plugger refer to her dog husband as “Henny”. This doesn’t mean that he’s taken his wife’s name — ha ha, that would be unthinkable! She’s just name-checking to Henny Youngman, who was the world’s most prominent producer of humor around the time pluggers stopped paying attention to pop culture forever.

Two somewhat subtle points about this panel that I think are important for its correct interpretation: one, this jokey plugger is standing next to a (presumably spiked) punchbowl; and two, there are kangaroo pluggers. In other words, this guy is getting drunk and telling racist jokes at 7 p.m., much to his wife’s horror.

Apartment 3-G, 9/9/11

Fellas! A lady sure does like it when you propose marriage to her without having had any kind of discussion with her about it in advance. She especially likes it when you put her on the spot in front of your entire family, leaving her in the incredibly awkward position of either humiliating you in front of your loved ones or accepting a proposal that she’s still ambivalent about. Try it out on the girl you’ve been dating for a few weeks, and her eyes will almost certainly bug out with love and adoration, just like Lu Ann’s are in panel two.