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Beetle Bailey, 1/15/11

This is another strip where the top row of throwaway panels — so called because they’re often discarded by newspapers to cram the strip into various arrangements — completely change the tenor of the strip. Without those first two panels, we have the story that we’ve always been sold about Beetle: that he’s smugly and pathologically lazy. But with those added strips, we see that he only spends as much time as possible in bed because he’s in constant physical pain, no doubt because of some combination of forced manual labor and the beatings he receives daily from Sarge. So too his final panel fantasy becomes much more poignant: it doesn’t represent some kind of apotheosis of sloth, but rather his dream of a job that helps alleviate his all-pervading agony.

Mary Worth, 1/15/11

So Mary Worth and this waitress have basically been congratulating themselves on saving Emily since about Tuesday, and you know how sometimes something irritating in small doses can become awesome in mass? That’s pretty much how I’m starting to feel about this. I’m hoping the two of them just keep saying this stuff back and forth for another week or two. “Do you think she’ll be OK?” “Hopefully! But the real important thing is that we saved her, together, as a team! We’re amazing!”

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/15/11

I don’t know what I like best about this: that the sentient lobster is making a desperate bid for freedom to avoid being eaten by the sentient mouse, knowing that it’s either kill or be killed, or that Slylock finds the whole thing so amusing. “Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! It’s tearing my nose apart! For the love of God, Sly, why won’t you help me?” “Heh, heh, Max, looks like you’ve bitten off more than you can chew! Should have had your food-animal killed and slaughtered before you tried to eat it, like I did!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 1/14/12

So I’ve been pretty much ignoring this week’s Funky Winkerbean, which has been all about the crisis caused by the removal of the vending machines from the school, because, enh, vending machines. Really the only thing of interest so far has been the fact that everyone insists on calling the machines “vendos”, which ranks up with “solo car date” on the list of Formulations In Funky Winkerbean That Are Linguistically Probable But Nonetheless Never Uttered By Living English-Speaking Humans.

BUT! Today we learn that all the angst about this move is not just because everyone loves delicious vending machine food. No, it’s because, like all death-haunted citizens of the Funkyverse, the teachers and students at Westview wish that death would stop haunting them and just show up and take them away from their suffering once and for all. Too terrified to hurl themselves from a bridge or put a shotgun in their mouths or even take up smoking, they at least hope that each day is the day that a bag of sodium-laden chips triggers a massive stroke, after which would come blessed emptiness. But even rides on the carousel of death are now denied to them by their cruel creator.

Momma, 1/14/12

Ha ha, it’s funny because Momma is an unlettered philistine! Or maybe she got a Kindle? Gah, who can tell, with this art.

Family Circus, 1/14/12

Now that the Keane Kids, previously Yahweh’s most loyal servants, have switched their allegiances, I guess it’s time for Him to hand over the rulership of creation to our new God, the iPhone.

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Hitting you a little early with the week’s top comment, but first: longtime reader/commenter Mibbitmaker has a new Web comic, called Pop Culture’s Kids. Check it out, won’t you?

And now, your COTW:

“Oh no! It’s the Santa Royale PD in their purring police cars! rrrrrrrrrrr! You have the right to remain adorable!” –pugfuggly

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I like Niki’s expression at ‘Thanks for the hang.’ There’s definitely a subtext of ‘Oh god, are they really making me say this? Doesn’t anyone know how teenagers talk?'” –Shmebber

“The first thing you need to have a dog-training biz is a non-blind hunting dog to drag the customers in. It’s a whole lot cheaper than advertising!” –Squeak

“There, there, Emily Smith, it’s ok. It’s ok. You’re not from Goleta any more.” –Nate

“It only took Mary five short weeks to solve the Case of the Girl from Goleta with her patented combination of living in comfort and thinking kind thoughts! Well done, Detective!” –Effluvius Erratus

“The better question is, when don’t I have ‘Yakety Sax’ on autostream in my brain? The only alternative is ‘Fast Banjo Getaway Music.'” –Old School Allie Cat

“Yes, my ‘girlfriend,’ this freakishly large disembodied hand that’s resting on my shoulder as we speak. Sure, I summoned it from an alternate dimension thanks to an evil spell, but you would not BELIEVE the handjobs, man. Anyway, so … how much do I owe you?” –Windier E. Megatons

“The Menace’s all too well-documented aversion to bathing has come to the inevitable conclusion of flea, lice, and tick infestation. Oh, the hilarity.” –sully

“Wait, did No-Ink Tattoo Man and Tattoo Face Woman just apply the ‘First taste is free’ theory of drug marketing to DVDs? Soon, Milford teens will be huddled in alleys around DVD players. Looking wide-eyed and shell-shocked, they’ll stumble in the back of Milford Ink. ‘C-come on, man. I just need one hit. One hit from a blockbuster nearly as old as I am.'” –bunivasal

“Well this is a shocking development. I would never have dreamed for a moment the Ruby had ever had sex.” –Zerowolf

“Will we see proof of the dog’s blindness, i.e. walking into a tree? Based on the illustration I believe it’s nothing but a possession which is easily remedied by Mark punching a bible against the dog’s face.” –Stickerz

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