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B.C., 5/14/11

If you’re not a regular B.C. reader, you might at first be a little confused as to why the man talking to the one-legged man is standing in some kind of pit. Fear not — there’s a completely reasonable explanation! As you can tell by the fact that the one-legged man is wearing a baseball cap and is addressed as “coach,” our characters are actually in the middle of a baseball game, and the pit is actually a dugout, which is “dug out” of the ground! Ha ha, get it?

If you’re not a regular B.C. reader, you might now expect to me explain literally every other aspect of this cartoon to you. But I can’t! Because it doesn’t make any sense! With the shock collars and … and “your little game of dodge the raptor” … and … buh?

Ziggy, 5/14/11

In other news, an abstract concept seems to have left a literal turd on Ziggy’s doorstep.

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Hope that your weekend of happy fun times is all the happier because it begins with this week’s top comment:

“All hail Martine! Plumber’s apprentice to Dracula!” –Artist formerly known as Ben

And these runners up are also fun!

“Yes, this is the first time we’ve had sex where you weren’t thinking of your dead wife, so I thought for a change that I would bring her up … so, are you thinking of her now?” –pugfuggly

“I love the sad, sad picture of Snuffy on that poster. He took his hat off and Lukey took a picture of his hangdog expression to commemorate the occasion. Lukey is kind of a dick.” –Faoladh

“If the tongue-waggin’, droopy boob scenes we see in Snuffy Smith are representative of the strip’s whole universe, then I doubt that there are any cute cat uploaders because there is nothing cute whatsoever in the poorly-drawn dystopia that is Hootin’ Holler. Even a baby seal’s mouth would become a yawning maw from which no adorableness can escape when it laughed.” –Neigedens

“Having told the duck all of her dark and terrible secrets Helga proceeded to kill it, cook it, and serve it to Hagar so he could understand her better without the terrible burdens of communication and knowledge.” –NoahSnark

“Look, I’m way beyond being bothered by the implication that Clovis intends to beat his wife for many more years, or the fact that Snuffy finds that hilarious. But Clovis’s facial expression in the last panel is fucking inexcusable. He looks like the world’s ugliest sea lion getting ready to perform cunnilingus on the devil.” –Doctor Handsome

“Les is a success at last! If only he had another book in him to keep the momentum going. What else could he Frey-fake-memoir about? No, gotta keep it real, since the Three Cups of Tea scandal they’re really checking. Too bad someone else close to Les isn’t dying. Too bad. Too bad. The white screen stares in front of him, mocking him with its emptiness. The kitchen knives call his name from their drawers. So many people in Westview in pain, and Les could fix it all. They’d thank him, really, especially when they get movies made about them. Cayla wants to be as famous as Lisa, doesn’t she? Of course she does. Of course. Go get those knives, Les. It’s all for the sake of art.” –MaryAnnTheRest

“I love Snuffy Smith’s reaction in the final panel there, clutching his head in disbelief. ‘Haw haw haw! Fifteen! You said fifteen! That’s definitely a thing that you said! … Okay, I dunno what a fifteen is.'” –Tophat

“I hope we can remain friends! If I’m lucky, she’ll say ‘yes’ when I get down on one knee and offer her this diamond friendship ring. And I hope she’ll accept my offer to move into my place, since I’ve really been struggling with the rent since my last roommate moved out and it’d be great to have a new roomie that I’m already friends with. You know, I don’t see how this breakup could go wrong at all!” –Krazy Kat

“Spider-Man is thinking, ‘I want to erect a monument to this conversation … where can I find a grade of marble boring enough?'” –Kibo

“Did you think the vampires in Twilight were awful? Just wait; Spider-Man features vampires who can’t even successfully turn into vampires. They can only melodramatically shrug at their inability to become vampires and then argue about it. On the other hand, they do have horrifically over-sized eyebrows.” –Alan’s Addiction

“What’s that? They want to make Lisa’s Story into a movie? And hire me as a consultant? Thanks, but I just got laid for the first time since she died and … I guess I’m just not that obsessed by it any more. Ok? Thanks — bye.” –cheech wizard

“I need a C-band uplink, gentleman. I shall also require some Grey Poupon.” –Ned Ryerson

“‘OH MARGO. I’M GOING TO CRY.’ ‘YES.’ ‘THIS IS DEFINITELY HOW THE HU-MANS PORTRAY EMOTION.’ ‘YES.’ ‘WE ARE NOT AT ALL UNFEELING SPACE ROBOTS FROM THE BEYOND.’ ‘NO.'” –commodorejohn

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Beetle Bailey, 5/13/11

Now that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell has been repealed, the love between Sarge and Beetle that Dare Not Speak Its Name is no longer the most poignant human relationship in this strip. That title now belongs to the Halftracks’ marriage, aka The Love That Could Freely Speak Its Name Were It Not Cold And Dead And Shriveled Up At The Bottom Of A Ravine. At one level their relationship is fairly simple: he drinks and makes doomed passes at younger, prettier women, she nags him, and neither of them would think about leaving the other because what else is there in life but this? And yet within these basic parameters, endless permutations of pain and hatred are possible.

Today’s skirmish is particularly amazing. Can you imagine the trouble Mrs. Halftrack must have gone through to have an enormous liquor bottle custom made? The expense? The meticulous attention to detail needed to get label just right? Not to mention the hours and money spent pouring gallon after gallon of scotch into the thing. And yet, by the way her expression of feigned helplessness in panel one smoothly transforms into a hardened glare in panel two, we can tell that every minute and dollar was absolutely worth it, just to rub her anger in the pathetic old drunk’s face. Good luck moving it out of the living room where your guests can see it! Oh, wait, you don’t have guests, because nobody likes either of you.

Funk Winkerbean, 5/13/11

Uh, Summer is aware that Les’s book is about her mother’s slow, agonizing death, right? Or maybe she knows how Hollywood works and realizes that by the time Lisa’s Story hits theaters in three years or so, it will be about a sexy, ruthless secret agent dedicated to tracking down and capturing a terrorist mastermind code-named “Cancer.”

Mark Trail, 5/13/11

“Yes, it’s wholly possible that John is a dangerous armed lunatic! That’s why I’m going to let you walk six feet in front of me, Andy. Try not to get shot or fall into any pits or whatever!”