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Spider-Man, 3/21/11

I know this is a superhero comic, where heroes and villains typically engage in expository banter in mid-battle, and science is routinely ignored when not actively being laughed at. Still, everything about Morbius’s little soliloquy irritates me. I mean, the guy went through some quasi-scientific metamorphosis that made him an actual vampire (a “living vampire,” he calls himself, which, I can’t even deal with that right now) and apparently lightened his bones, but … he can’t fly? I mean, why stop short of flight? Too unrealistic? Or, worse, do the writers think they’re being somehow more accurate to bat anatomy and locomotion? Because, you know, bats really are the only mammals that actually fly. Morbius didn’t get his powers from experiments with flying squirrels, did he? I don’t know why I expect any such attention to detail from a strip that routinely describes spiders as insects, but it still galls me.

Hi and Lois, 3/21/11

Well, Trixie, it’s because your dad’s bowling has less to do with “bowling” and more with “not spending time with his family, because you’re all unbearable.” I’d make some joke about how Hi is having a secret affair, but it’s more likely he just goes to a bar and drinks in blessed silence for most of the evening.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/21/11

Man, that bird looks awfully pleased with itself. “Yeah, I totally crapped on that hillbilly lady’s head! I’m pretty cool.”

Ziggy, 3/21/11

Ziggy’s undereye bags really sell the joke here. Ha ha, Ziggy finds his poverty to be exhausting and emotionally taxing! That’s the joke, right?

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Crock, 3/20/11

One way to tell when something has been a well-understood facet of mainstream world culture for at least a year or so is that weird, fumbling, semi-coherent references to it start appearing in legacy comic strips. One thing I find interesting about both this reference to WikiLeaks and the one that appeared a a couple months ago in Marvin (beaten to the punch by Marvin! the shame!) is that the word in both cases is rendered in both small and capital letters, in contrast with the standard all-caps orthography. This just draws attention to the word in a sort of “Hey, look at us, bein’ topical!” sense, with a negative effect on the overall humorousness of the strip (though of course even without the typeface issues that, “humorousness” could only be detected with the most delicate scientific instruments). It’s as if the authors, barely understanding who or what a “WikiLeaks” might be, are convinced that the internal capitalization is crucial to the word’s totemic power and must be preserved at all costs, when in fact it’s just an irritating legacy that’s trickled down from late ’90s branding practices in the high tech industry.

Speaking of trickling down, though, while Crock lost to Marvin in the “making a stupid joke about WikiLeaks” race, at least Crock’s stupid joke isn’t about pissing oneself.

Panels from Crankshaft, 3/20/11

Ha ha, just another day in the Funkyverse! “I experienced a brief moment of triumph! But now the physical and emotional agony that is my life has come to the fore once again. You can’t win your way out of suffering!”

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Beetle Bailey, 3/19/11

Six years ago when this panel ran the first (?) time, I was willing to let it pass as a goofy placeholder from a creative team that just sort of couldn’t think of anything to do that day. It may have been an abdication of creativity, but at least the numerous visual details represented more work than what goes into Beetle Bailey strips that actually contain jokes. And really, are Beetle Bailey jokes all they’re cracked up to be? Can we honestly say that we want more Beetle Bailey jokes out there in the world?

And yet now that I know that this is just the strip they pull out when they have nothing else to run, and that it’s gone out who knows how many times … well, I wouldn’t have thought I could have less respect for Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, but I have been proven wrong. I don’t know which possibility is worse: that some strip was submitted that, due to its complete lack of even vague entertainment value, was rejected by the syndicate, resulting in this stopgap being reprinted, or that someone over at W-BAHI LLC suddenly had the realization at deadline that “oh, crap, we have to do a Saturday strip too? Damn it, I need to start writing this stuff down.”

Apartment 3-G, 3/19/11

Ha ha, Dan, you’re not going to disabuse Iris of the notion that you’re some kind of hobo tramp bum drifter homeless person if you keep using that old-timey slang. But all questions about his archaic socioeconomic status seem a lot less important now that we know that Iris has a ringtone that can briefly obliterate all of existence.

Archie, 3/19/11

Hot Dog’s ears are lifted in shock in the final panel, which must mean that none of Jughead’s interpretation of his inner thoughts are correct. I’m guessing he’s thinking “Wait, I have fleas? And you’re not doing anything about them? Christ, you really are the laziest pet owner alive.”