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Bizarro, 8/6/23

Josh’s dogged (foxxéd?) seventeen-year investigation into the post-animalpocalypse world of Slylock Fox has given us deep insights into the cruel, authoritarian, and relentlessly petty society that replaced human civilization. It’s like a worldwide Home Owners’ Association using a gestapo and tactical nukes to enforce garage setbacks and paint codes.

But what of the Before Times? Alas, we have only fragments, no doubt because the social and technological structures that maintain a historical record were destroyed in humanity’s collapse. We know that Count Weirdly struggled to replace mankind with terrifying genetically-engineered animal-folk who were somehow not pluggers, and that his first attempts went horribly wrong.

Now we see the fruits of Weirdly’s second try: The Age of Cats. This fully realized urban civilization sprang Covid‑like from the Count’s lab and swept across the earth. The Age ended suddenly when the cats invented the Internet and were instantly absorbed into it. Sort of like the Maya, but in the cloud, with adorable memes.

Sally Forth, 8/6/23

Who’s up for a Sally Forth recap? You are? Okay!

The Forths head off for a fun-in-the-sun vacation and rent their house to the Park family for the duration when strange things happen. Young Emma Park joins and tries to boss around Hil’s band, develops a werewolf obsession, starts showing up in Hil’s friends Faye and Nona’s Apartment 3-G‑style flash-forwards, and gets all chummy with Hil’s boyfriend Duncan. Dad Dae Park starts freaking out at the sound of the ice cream truck and launches a campaign to grill the perfect summer burger. Mom Joon Park dives into Sally’s Starlee and the Moonbeams reruns and finds them “glorious.”

Faye and Nona deduce that the house is turning the Parks into the Forths, and likely releasing its hold on the Forths themselves as well. They negotiate with the evil spirit of a doll that’s also haunting the house (yes this is a double haunting, stay with me here) to blackmail the Parks—who by now are so Forthy they believe they have always lived there—into leaving.

Meanwhile the vacationing Forths, released from all agency, responsibility, and idiosyncrasy, are having the time of their lives lolling around a tropical paradise like normal people until the moment the Parks walk out their door back home. The house, Sauron-like, instantly locates and locks on to them, and here we are.

But hey. I understand Sally’s panic at returning to her pinched, neurotic life. I mean who would want to live for even a minute in that lady’s head, amirite? The puzzle is Ted: as the house slips its evil tendrils back into his consciousness, he should be manically nattering “Let’s play Tenet Monopoly” or announcer-voicing “It’s time for the Star Wars Christmas Special.” But instead he deadpans his home maintenance to-do list, as though he and the house have somehow fallen symbiotically into cahoots. What, I wonder, will Ted demand from his house-accomplice in exchange for that sweet coat of fresh blacktop?

Watch out, Sally.

The Phantom, 8/6/23

Josh may want to wrap up the current Phantom Multiverse of Mozz storyline, but I remain all in. Especially since the Sunday strip has become a sort of sidequel to the dailies, and double especially because it features Patrolwoman Hawa Aguda, my #1 non-Savarna Phantom crush object.

But first, my sincere compliments to author Tony DePaul for revisiting the Mina Braun story the past few months of Sundays. Mina is a talented and pretty “scholar/adventurer” who fell in love with the Phantom after a bout of traumatic scholar-adventuring way back in 2005. To erase her trauma and untangle his relationships, the Phantom had Guran dose her with Bandar amnesia powder—the same thing he did to spunky reporter Lara Bell in 2014 to protect the secrets of the Phantom Cave.

In this year’s Sunday strips, we see Mina again, outside the Domain of the Almost Humans (who are somehow not pluggers), and learn that Guran’s dose fucked up her life. Tormented by dreams and half-memories, thought a madwoman, and with her career in ruins, she found her way back to rediscover her past and resume her scientific work alone. Mrs. Phantom Diana Palmer speaks for readers in calling Mina’s treatment—at her husband’s command—”inhumane.” Gracefully done, Mr. DePaul.

In today‘s strip, ex-amnesiac John X (the Phantom) returns to Jungle Patrol HQ after the events at Gravelines Prison covered in the daily strip. But Hawa’s congratulations seem off: it was the Phantom, not John X, who liberated Gravelines. Somebody is having trouble keeping his aliases straight. (“Um, lessee—Walker: sunglasses, fedora, no beard; John X: sunglasses, ball cap, beard; Unknown Commander: secret mailbox, spooky handwriting …”).

Gosh, that’s a long one. Back to wisecracks and cheap shots tomorrow, I promise!

—Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 8/5/23

Poor Sam looks so hangdog there trying to mumble his way out of a jam. But Abbey sees the glimmer of a Business Plan, and she’s intrigued: “You … you would have paid us to kill someone? Damn, murder for hire sounds easier than running a B&B out of a horse barn, and with no cooking or messy arson! I bet April could give me some pointers!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/5/23

Hey Buck: If that earworm bothers you, just put the nail back in.

Mark Trail, 8/5/23

“Nothing can distract me—except maybe my phone and these daily smash-cut scene changes! Woooo … squirrel!”

Arctic Circle, 8/5/23

Part of the Comics Curmudgeon mission (Reading the Comics So You Don’t Have To) is keeping track of developments in under-the-radar strips like Arctic Circle here. For years, this strip has been sounding daily pollution and climate-change alarms, with “punchlines” never straying too far from “Ain’t It Awful?”

But that changed suddenly and without warning last week, when we started getting charming but off-message strips about singing in elevators, dogs and Frisbees, “Bears Like Ice Cream,” and such, and I wondered if the strip was having some sort of crisis. So it’s reassuring to see its return to catastrophe-themed humor, even if they had to swap out the existential threat.

Blondie, 8/5/23

I don’t know what the Blondie creative team is going for with the label on that suave lothario’s sweet turquoise crew-neck. “Thirsty’s” is a Hi and Lois brand, and it’s obviously a bar, not a sandwich joint. If those wild accusations by former franchisees of Dagwood’s Sandwich Shoppes LLC soured you on using that brand, you could at least go with “Hungry’s.”

Hi there! I’m sitting in through Monday the 14th while Josh takes a well-deserved break at scenic Undisclosed Location. Let me know at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any issues with the site, your subscription, or email delivery and I’ll do what I can to help.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Hello, friends! Your COTW in a moment, but just a note that it’ll be your last COTW for a little bit because I’m heading out on a li’l vacation tomorrow and your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be here filling in for me until 8/14! He loves you all too much to choose from amongst you, so there’s no point in kissing up, but be nice to him anyway and I’ll see you soon!

Meanwhile, here’s this week’s top comment:

“Why would Dagwood and his fellow carpoolers need to talk about either politics or their bosses when they could be talking about his bizarre compact station wagon that appears to be molded from a single piece of plastic? Where’d he get that thing and how fuel efficient is it? That’s just the start of questions I’d like answered.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

And your very funny runners up!

“I’d like to see the rest of the tablet, just to see what he’s the ‘Boy With.’ ‘Muddy Boots?’ ‘Marketing Contract?’ ‘Serious Intestinal Issues?’” –Pozzo

“I kinda love the idea that Hägar, the viking raider, is really into medieval Europe’s budding banking system. Do you think he annoys the other chieftains with his chatter about Lombard credit schemes like a middle ages crypto dude?” –pugfuggly

“Mary smiles in smug satisfaction as she confirms the ingredients are long past their ‘best by’ dates. From years of experimentation, she knows that the combination of overripe bananas, rancid peanut butter, and stale oats will produce a chemical reaction that closely mimics sodium pentothal. She hums as she begins to mix the batter, and considers each of the Charterstone residents in turn. ‘Now, I wonder who could use some fresh muffins…?’” –Charterstoned

“Sir Houndstooth pawned the set a month ago to pay for diesel. Now he’s got his flunky to pin a crime on Shrew to collect the insurance. ‘But your honor, my broken fuel gauge always reads full.’” –Hibbleton

“Sir Hound? Sir Hound? You’re telling me that the animals rose up and overthrew the humans, but then created from scratch not only the British monarchy but the entire system of honours and knighthoods it underpins? I can believe the talking animals and Weirdly robots and time machines, but this is too far.” –Schroduck

“Mary contemplates the creation of a Banana Golem, into which she will breathe life through the intervention of the demon Astaroth.” –Ukulele Ike

“On the one hand, Sheriff Tait would really like to stop Lukey from perpetuating the cycle of violence of his generational blood feud. On the other hand, money talks, and those flatlander tourists don’t bring the green if the ponds don’t stay stocked.” –jroggs

“Don’t sweat it, coach. I’m sweating enough for six of us.” –Peanut Gallery

“‘I had no idea they were profiting off you!’ declares Gil, establishing his alibi. He’s lying with the truth, of course. He thought this forcing juvenile delinquents to play bloodspor– er, I mean, football for the amusement of himself and the rest of the school system was a private, for-fun affair. He had no idea that dude who looks like an a cattle baron from an old western was stupid enough to broadcast their crimes and try to profit from it.” –ectojazzmage

“I like that the dog’s growl ends with ‘- – -‘, as if there’s more to come. Tune in tomorrow, when the dog continues growling!” –Voshkod

“If Luke goes by ‘Lukey,’ and Louise goes by ‘Loweezy,’ and Elvina goes by ‘Elviney,’ does that mean Snuffy’s given name is … Snuff?” –astroboy

“Silas needs to let others know that if unrepentant thief and general ne’er-do-well Snuffy Smith is still allowed at the store, they are also welcome to shop. Silas easily forgives past sins of shoplifting, as the markup on his wares is also robbery, so who is he to judge?” –Philip

“Damn, so Snuffy is too principled to accept a reduction of his debt in exchange for promotional considerations. Perhaps he’d feel differently if he ever intended to pay it, but he’s standing firm on delegating the distasteful obligation to his scarecrow, for whom he has also apparently obtained free clothing in the process of mitigating his almost entirely hypothetical debt. My hat is off, Snuffy. Please give it back.” –Violet

“Ah, the ‘Good Ol’ Days,’ namely the 1990s when it was acceptable to wear baseball caps the wrong way. While Dennis might think he can time travel with a wagon and a 2×4, he should look down a moment. If Joey isn’t intelligent enough to tie his shoe, I don’t think he will be able to help Dennis shatter the barriers of time and travel back to the past.” –KMD

“Poor Brazil. Out of the Women’s World Cup in the group stage and now this.” –But What Do I Know?

“The sandwich is insufficient for *DAGWOOD*. It cannot fill the void within. More is required. Perhaps you should invite your client’s husbands over to *WATCH THE GAME*.” –Old Man Shadow

“Forcing underage prisoners to practice in brutal conditions and play a televised game for viewer gratification was something I was all for, but finding out that SOMEONE ELSE would profit off of it? Unthinkable.” –ALK

“If I wanted to read an incredibly boring comic strip about about dogs, I’d read Mutts.” –Rube

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