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Judge Parker, 3/27/11

Ha ha, Sophie is absolutely justified in being so angry! In her attempt to throw off the shackles of nerdom, she put an awful lot of effort into seizing a spot on the cheerleading squad, a goal she achieved by a combination of grass-roots mobilization and awesome, albeit off-panel, physical prowess. Only now she discovers that dork stuff like debate club was the key to popularity all along! I have to say that my four years of high school debate did not win me the affections of anyone with a hilariously WASP-tastic name, but maybe that’s just because I wasn’t ludicrously wealthy. In fact, that’s probably the real source of Sophie’s rage here. Sure, the Spencer-Driver clan is the wealthiest in the state, but what’s the point if you don’t engage in vulgar displays of affluence that improve your social standing? Sophie won’t be satisfied until Abbey allows her to top Honey Ballenger’s dramatic entrance; look for her to arrive at school on Monday carried aloft on a litter, surrounded by dozens of family retainers on horseback.

Family Circus, 3/27/11

I’m not sure which is sadder: that the Keane kids are so excited by the idea of driving around their dreary suburb with a vague acquaintance that they’re willing to bend the truth to get permission to do it, or that the lone Keith child looks positively ecstatic at the prospect of sharing the car with the three noxious melonheads. How grim her life must be!

Panel from Dick Tracy, 3/27/11

Wow, kudos to the new Dick Tracy team for bringing the Crimestoppers Textbook up to date with modern skullduggery! I’m not sure how many regular Dick Tracy devotees also own extensive collections of vacant rural real estate, but still, I’m impressed and I learned something. (Matchbox scratch panels? Who knew?)

Panel from Mark Trail, 3/27/11

I love Mark and Doc’s smug smirks in the background as a terrified, bug-eyed Cherry works herself up for battle against the spider menace. “Gee, Doc, should we tell her that she’s trying to kill one of mankind’s allies?” “No, Mark, we’ll explain it after she wipes out all the spiders and then the cabin is overrun by the vermin the spiders would have eaten! It’s the only way she’ll learn!”

Panel from Gasoline Alley, 3/27/11

Slim finds the concept of physical intimacy with his wife distasteful, but he dreams of a future as a high-priced prostitute.

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Momma, 3/26/11

I was all set to just write this off as more of this strip’s typical Oedipal horror, but then I actually got a good look of the chinless, mouthless nightmare on the front of Tina’s head in panel two. I don’t care how much you love your wife, there’s now way you’re going to describe that as anybody’s “gorgeous face.”

Crock, 3/26/11

Oh boy! Is Crock going to feature more jokes involving Quench the camel either threatening to slobber on people or actually slobbering on people? I am very firmly in favor of this, as it’s the first even vaguely delightful development to come occur in Crock in the entire time I’ve been inflicting it on myself. Yay for more camel saliva! God, how low are my standards that I just said that?

Marvin, 3/26/11

Having dedicated its main focus to its title character’s noxious feces for some time now, Marvin has taken the logical next step, and has begun using the aforementioned feces as the solution to most of the problems that arise within the strip’s narrative.

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Guys, do you remember earlier this month, when I made a joke about Wilbur’s sandwich photography Tumblr? Well, obviously — obviously — this is a thing that actually exists. Obviously!

Anyway, now it is time for your comment of the week:

“Is Iris the on-call person for the Fortune Cookie Hotline? Reminding people to add ‘in bed’ is just one of the many services the FCH provides.” –bartcow

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I have long suspected the Beetle Bailey tanks were inflatable.” –Rusty

“Wow … Iris is puttin’ the moves on the old hobo guy. See how she distinctly eyes him when she says ‘In bed’ and he’s all ‘That’s what I’m talkin’ about’. She might as well just straddle him right there. Then I’ll just kill myself.” –Andie

“Look, I know it’s dumb to complain about the artwork in Crock, and I wouldn’t say anything if it were just the people and animals and buildings that were painfully off-model. But seriously, how hard is it to draw the sun? It’s a fucking circle.” –Dr. Handsome

“Really Dan? Flying in from Colorado? I’m not going to judge you, we both know you’re here to sing your greatest hits at the Ramada Inn Lounge on 52nd St. Now let’s hear some ‘We’ve got tonight.'” –Maggie the Cat

“Clearly this man is a genie, as you can even see Lonnie rubbing the lamp in panel one.” –Poor Thompson

“9CL: Oh my God. I think I’ve finally found my breaking point, and it’s seeing two chicks in bathrobes hanging all over an alarmed Seth. It’s like a stupid, hurty version of Three’s Company.” –Shem

“I like the band-aid on Mark Trail’s head. It’s a helpful reminder that he was shot, presumably in the head.” –SideshowJon

“I, for one, am predicting that Beetle Bailey will go into a Funky Winkerbean-esque slide into depressing melodrama, starting with the revelation that Halftrack is now developing Alzheimer’s. Or schizophrenia. Which one makes old people dress up like Flintstones characters, again?” –Sillstaw

“Note that Miss Buxley doesn’t say ‘the Army’s budget reduction’; instead, she says ‘our budget reduction.’ What she means is that Walker-Browne industries are losing money, and they are in danger of being taken over by Parker-Hart. General Halftrack is therefore being proactive by trying to stake out a claim on a role in B.C., lest he join the rest of his troops in being re-assigned to Crock. Can you blame him?” –seismic-2

Judge Parker: “I think Sophie’s blooming into womanhood will consist of the sound effect ‘BO-YO-YO-YOING.'” –Chyron HR

“Elizabeth Taylor immortalized the role of Margo in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf; Richard Burton played Alan/Trey/Jack, and Sandy Dennis was Lu Ann. The role of Tommie was played by no one, who received that year’s Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Since Luann has the features and bone structure of a Jack o’ Lantern, she has good reason to be depressed about the aging process.” –Mustang

“Here’s a tip on making FW enjoyable. Virtually every Funky strip can be spiced up if you imagine one final panel where someone says, ‘Awwww, snap!'” –Captain Plaid Pants

“I’ve always held the belief that the best way to make a marginally witty joke sound funnier is to employ a funny voice at a key moment, but the Gasoline Alley suit guy seems to go for wild arm gestures and ta-daaa moves like he’s some sort of terrible pun magician.” –Drew Funk

Also there is this awesome thing from commodorejohn which was too long for consideration, but awesome nonetheless.

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